Category Archives: Humor

11Oct/18
Umbrella blowing inside out

Some Stupid Things To Make You Laugh…

Humor
Umbrella blowing inside out

You never know what kind of day it will be…

So lately I haven’t felt much like writing for some reason…and that is so weird because I love to write and it has been so therapeutic for me to do it. I took a little break over the summer and just haven’t been feeling it. So I decided this week I needed to get back on the horse and do it again…but  then I was trying to decide what to write about and while there is so much going on in the world right now I just didn’t have the energy to come up with something I could put out there for my readers and for me! So I decided to write a list of some stupid silly things I have seen in the news and social media. I promise I will be back to writing my usual stories and thoughts soon. So here is my list of stupid things I’ve seen lately.

1. Gas station owner posts sign in his store…”Don’t warm urine in microwave.” And why would he need to post this I wondered… I dont even want to know!

2. Making crafts out of tampons… yeah, that’s a thing evidently!

3. And making crafts out of moose turds…that’s also a thing in New England..we used to just make crafts out of paper, yarn, metal, etc… I guess we just weren’t forward thinking back in the day..

4. I know you all saw this one but still.. Toddler shreds $1,060 of parents money.. I cant even…dont people watch these kids and why was the money just laying around for the toddler to find it?

5. VA man rubs produce on his butt and puts it back on the shelf…what did he get out of that except for a fine and possible jail term?? You cant make this stuff up..

6. Thousands of insects were stolen from a PA museum. 7,000 infact! Who steals insects? And why? Evidently they think it was former employees. Guess they would miss them too much and decided to take them home.

7. Man in Florida was arrested for stabbing another man. The man who was arrested did not have arms.. How did he stab someone without arms you ask? He did it with his feet.

8. A bank in India was wondering why the ATM wasn’t working. Customers had been complaining no money was coming out. They opened it to find out why and they found a rat chewing on some money. He ate $18,000!

9. Customers of an animal hospital were getting prank calls..no one was on the line when they answered. Those that had caller ID saw it was coming from the animal hospital, so they called to see why this was happening. One person got 9 calls in just a few minutes.. When someone went into the office to see why this was happening, they found the culprit. A gecko was on the touch screen phone making calls. Hey, the gecko called and the dog is ready to be picked up!

10. And finally the much talked about Banksy painting that self destructed after  being sold for 1.4 million dollars. I don’t know who Bansky is and not familiar with his work…but he has some weird sense of humor…if it is humor! I don’t think the person who paid 1.4 million is laughing.

Well there are many more of course but that’s my list of 10 for today! I hope you got a chuckle or at least a smile out of them.

”Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn’t.” ~ Mark Twain

13Aug/18
kitty sleeping

I’m Tired…

Aging, Humor, Life, ,

not really the sleepy kind of tired…just tired!

kitty sleeping

I’m tired too…

There are so many things I’m tired of lately, so I decided to write them all down and then burn it..maybe it will make all the things I’m tired of go away…most likely it won’t but it will make me feel better to get it all out. Writing does that for me thankfully!

Ok, so here’s what I’m tired of…

The constant nonstop continuous RAIN… it has been raining here for at least a million days now…ok, maybe not a million but close..on a good note…my ark is almost complete. I have a question about this though..why in this day and age hasn’t someone, NASA, Richard Branson, that Musk guy…someone..anyone.. come up with a way to make this constant rain change its pattern and go west where they need it to  go and put out the fires….WHY?

Bad things happening to people I love… So many of my friends and family have had bad things happening to them lately. Divorce issues, illness, being in the hospital, a death in the family, expensive problems with their homes, car accidents, just to name a few…and this was all in the last week. Is it asking to much to go a day without something bad happening to someone I care about? Evidently it is!

The ants in my computer…yes, you read this right! I have ants coming out of my computer. I think they have built a nest and are living in there. One day I counted close to 30 coming out. I googled “ants in my computer” and thankfully I am not the only one. Someone posted, “it’s like the ants have a night club in my computer.” I need to take it in to the Apple techs, but my grandson said they will laugh me out of the place.

Rain…

Gardening… I seriously hate to garden now. I used to love it and enjoyed my time working with the flowers and keeping the weeds out. No more. The Virginia Creeper vine moved into Maryland and has taken over my garden and my house as well. I have had 3 different landscape people here dig it out and its back in full force. So I’m done..it can have my garden and my house!

Mean People… Why is everyone so mean and full of hate? When someone bumps into you now in a store or on the street they can’t even say, Sorry. Cause of course, it’s not their fault, it’s your fault for standing there. Could we just have some peace and love in the world again? Kumbaya!

GIFS and Emoticons… Ok, they are sometimes funny and yes, they have a time and a place and I have even sent them or commented with one a time or two myself…however, do you have to constantly use them instead of words….use your words people..nice words!

Rain…

Thinking about what to make for dinner… I’ve been making dinners for over 50 years now. I’m tired of thinking about it, maybe if someone would just make me a monthly menu I could just make the things they have on it.  Nah…I’m tired of making it as well as thinking of what to make….

Drug company ads on TV… I really am tired of this one. I would vote that they can not advertise on TV anymore. Does anyone ever look at one of these ads and immediately call their doctor and say, “hey, I just saw this wonderful drug on TV and I want it.” Maybe they do…but then next year they will be part of the class action suit against said drug….

Spam Emails…. I have unsubscribed and blocked and sent to junk mail a million emails and the next day I get the same one I got the day before. Why do I keep getting Victoria’s Secret emails? I haven’t fit in a VS bra or panty in 10 years, maybe 20….and what, pray tell, is her damn secret?

Rain…

My Itchy Skin… I don’t know if its the humid weather or heat but my skin has been the itchiest it has ever been. I think I have “prickly heat”, you know the stuff babies get… It gets to the point I could scratch it raw. I use baking soda powder, ointments, essential oils…all of which work…but nothing works for long.

The house I live in being haunted…ok, most of you that know me already think i’m crazy so what’s one more thing going to do. I think my house is haunted. I really do. I’ve have thought this from the day I moved in. And the person/people haunting it do not like me. They don’t hurt me physically but they make bad things happen. The house was built in 1892 so I’m sure some awful things have happened here and maybe a few angry souls are still floating about. I’m thinking of selling it…and the ghosts along with it!

Oh my, there are so many other things I’m tired of.. the every day tedious chores, the constant need for things to be fixed, doing wash, sweeping the floors, cleaning the stinkin bathroom…doing my hair, my nails, flossing my teeth, LOL..Yes, I am tired of it all…but I’m also blessed to still be here on this earth and lucky to have my health, family and friends. What are you tired of?

“I’m so tired of being tired. Sure as night will follow day most things I worry about will never happen anyway.” ~ Tom Petty

 

10Jul/18
very upset person

I HATE Autocorrect!!!

Humor, Life, Rants, , ,

can I tell you how much I hate it…but sometimes it’s funny…

very upset person

it truly makes me want to scream…

I needed something to make me laugh today and have been gathering these funny autocorrects for some time now…so thought I would share them with you. I hope you get a chuckle out of them. I think it’s funny how autocorrect has a dark side to it…seems to change things so they sometimes sound dirty…. It must have a sense of humor though as well….Enjoy!

  1. I was telling my friends(ok, it just changed that to “feeling” my friends) that the company I was going to be a consultant for was doing purses now too and it changed it to “dong purses”…whatever they are, I don’t want one!
  2. A friend of mine was saying she was buying her grandsons some socks and it was changed to “I always buy them some dicks.” We still laugh at that one…
  3. I was worried about a friend and in a 3 way private message to 2 other friends I sent this.. “if I don’t hear from her shortly..I’m eating her.” Well that’ll show her for not getting in touch…
  4. Another friend was texting us about her husband, Rick and it came up “Stick” instead…he will forever be known as “Stick” now…
  5. I started a Grief Group so my friends could openly talk about their loved ones in private without feeling judged…although when I texted a friend to ask if she wanted to join it..well, this is what came up. “I have a “Grease Proof.” She asked me what I had that was grease proof?
  6. Did you ever send a text or private message and it took a little while for the people you sent it too to see the error…and when they did, it was even more hilarious. I sent one to a few friends about something we were all getting…an invite or something and instead of “I got mine”…it said, “I got men.” They were all very happy for me and asked how many I got?
  7. I said I saw a woman walking her cat on a leash, which was funny in itself… but it was changed to “walking her car on a leash.” Which was even funnier…
  8. A friend fell and I wanted to text, “Aw, sorry to hear this.” It showed up as “Awesome, sorry to hear this.” At least the sorry to hear this wasn’t changed…
  9. The other day a lot of people were on FB talking about having problems with their Comcast WIFI. Someone posted…I am still having problems with my “Cervix”…I don’t know that Comcast can fix that…
  10. I didn’t receive my free donut at Dunkin Donuts on free donut day and texted my grand daughter to say that I was upset with them…I sent this…I am extremely upset with Dunkin Dog Nuts….She sent me a text back and said,  “what is this place, is it new?”…. I don’t think I want anything from that place though…
  11. On FB I saw a funny story a woman had posted that her Mother had a health problem and someone asked how she was and the woman replied… Oh she’s fine now..She just needed an “epic penis” (epi pen)… So glad it helped!
  12. I was texting a few people and said I went to a concert. They asked what concert… “Bonjovially” was my answer… It was a joyful Bon Jovi concert  though!

Hope you enjoyed this and maybe got a laugh or two out of them. It did make me smile while I was writing this…Did you ever have one of your texts changed into something funny or not so funny..let me know in the comments..

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.” ~ e.e. cummings

 

28Jun/18
wearing leggings

Are We What We Wear?

Fashion, Humor, Life, Rants, ,

I truly hope not….

wearing leggings

I love my leggings and wear them everywhere…

Yes, this is going to be a rant! For the love of all that’s holy, could we just stop wearing exercise clothing everywhere we go… Yes, this woman is outside, on top of a building doing her yoga…and that is fine! I can only hope she lives in this building and puts some clothing on before she goes out in public.

Recently my daughter and I were running errands and everywhere we went that day we saw women/girls in workout clothes. I use the term loosely as in my opinion, they are not really clothes. We went to a nice department store, a grocery store, and a fairly upscale restaurant. Every place we went that day we ran into women in exercise outfits.

I walk every day. I wear these outfits. I don’t go anywhere in them except to walk to and from my house. Several times I have needed to go to the grocery store and think to myself…just this once. But I can’t do it. I run upstairs and put my jeans or capris on and out I go. Why can’t I do this? Maybe it’s my age and the fact I was raised to have respect for myself and others… My daughters are the same way though, so I guess it can’t just be my age. My youngest is a yoga teacher and she does go to the store after yoga, but she wears a jacket or top that covers her little tiny tank thing. This is what bothers me the most I think. The fact that not only do these people wear active wear, it is hardly covering any part of their body. And you are in a public place, you are in a restaurant….

“Dressing well is a form of good manners.” ~ Tom Ford

The stores are not helping the situation…once only a small section, is now a whole department full of various leggings, tops and tanks. Some times that section has more in it than the regular clothing section…and while it used to be in the back, it is now front and center. And it is filled with women dressed in the outfits, frantically looking for more outfits. I just look at them and wonder what makes someone put this on, look in the mirror and say, “Damn I look good, I’m going out to dinner!”

I know I may get some flack on this, but I don’t care. If you look good in your exercise outfit, then good for you! I’m happy for you! Wear it at the gym, wear it on your hike, even wear it to Starbucks for coffee with your workout friends afterward…but don’t wear it to a nice restaurant. If for some unknown reason…say you had a flood and all that’s left of your wardrobe is workout stuff, ok then wear it, but for heavens sake wear a jacket over your skimpy damn top!

There are many articles out there about why we wear what we wear. What the philosophy behind each outfit we wear is telling the world…. But what does wearing a teeny tiny top above the navel(when clearly you don’t have the body for it) and tight and I mean tight leggings mean? What are they trying to say? What message are they putting out there? Ok, I get the whole non body shaming thing…. yes its wonderful they love their body enough to do this…but I’m not even talking about weight here…I’m talking about women with huge breasts that are falling out the sides of the teeny tiny tanks.

“Dress how you want to be addressed.” ~ Bianca Frazier

Have we lost all respect for others or ourselves? Do we not care about the image we are putting out there? And it’s one thing for us to do it. But do we even think about the young girls growing up in todays world? Do we even think about the image we are projecting… telling these girls it is ok to look like this in public. Every now and then I have to tell my 11 year old grand daughter that her outfit is not acceptable if she wants to go away with me. And I went to lunch with my 7 year old grandson recently on Grandparents Day at his school and I was horrified to see what 5 year old girls were wearing to school! Most of it was totally inappropriate workout tops… Did these kids pick out the outfits or do they have mothers who are wearing them and think its fine for a 5 year old to dress this way?

I guess by now(if you are even still reading this) you are thinking I am just an old fuddy duddy… well, I’m done my rant now and I’m sorry if I offended anyone…..Hey, you know what, no I’m not sorry! Everyone is offended these days by something. I’m offended by the woman wearing leggings and a tank top to the restaurant I am paying good money to eat in and…I have to look at her boobs hanging out the entire time. Because she is right smack dab in front of me and I just can’t unsee that..So no I’m not sorry….

I will leave you with this one thought…if we are what we wear…what does that say about us…

“You should dress the way you want the world to treat you.” ~ Stacy London

 

07Jun/18
wreath in the ocean

Weird Things Are Everywhere…

Humor, Life, ,

even at the beach…

wreath in the ocean

Oh no, I lost my wreath in the ocean…

My oldest daughter took me to the beach last weekend to get away from all the things that are making my life just a bit too much right now. I needed to breathe the sea air and feel the sun…although we weren’t sure we would have sun since the forecast was calling for rain the entire time. That is one of the things I needed to get away from..the constant rain and dreariness here at home. Having said that, the weather gods were looking out for us… because the sun came out every day but one and I got to sit on the beach and feed my soul.

On the way to the beach and while we were there we encountered some things that made me laugh out loud and I so needed to laugh. I haven’t had much to laugh about lately…but that’s another story. This one is just about the funny, weird things we saw while driving there and at the beach.

A business sign – While most business signs are not usually funny, this one was. The sign on the store said, “Perfect Furniture.” In front on the store was a sofa that was falling apart. Not sure if it was for sale or they had it sitting out for the trash collector, but it struck me funny…it clearly was not “perfect.”

A rabbit – Most of the time rabbits are not funny..unless they are in a cartoon. But as we were driving along I had to do a double take when I saw a huge rabbit lying on the hood of a car. And yes it was alive because it moved. I guess it was the family pet?? But most of the time pet rabbits are in a cage not relaxing on the roof of the car.

A flashing sign – One day as we drove over to the beach, there was one of those flashing signs sitting along the rode…the sign said, “Limited Lifeguards.” That’s it, just those two words. Made me chuckle and think…why are they limited? Did it mean they didn’t have enough of them or they were limited in what they could do… various other thoughts come to mind..

A clerks name – My daughter and I both love “Life is Good” tee shirts and we always stop in our favorite shop to see if they have any new ones we might like. Of course they did and I bought one. It was a beach chair on the beach and under it were the words, “unplug”…perfect. When I got back to the house I looked at the receipt and it said, your clerks name is “Miracle Handy”…had I known this while I was in the store I would have asked her for one.

Zoltar – I’m not sure if any of you are familiar with Zoltar, the fortune telling machine. You find them on the boardwalk in most beach towns. Also if you have ever watched the movie “Big” with Tom Hanks, it is the machine that granted his wish to be “big.” Anyway, it is a tradition in our family that whenever we see one we get our fortune told by Zoltar. I put my money in and waited…(he always talks to you before printing out your fortune)…and then he says, “live for today..for tomorrow you may be dead.” A guy walking along the boardwalk comes running over and says, did he say what I think he said, “did he just say, live for today, for tomorrow you may be dead.” I said, yes he said that…and the best part is.. he said that to me last year as well… I guess I need to listen to him, as he really wants me to “get” that message!

Juan – a few years ago when I was working for a jewelry company, I serviced stores at the beach. I would spend 2 or 3 days at a time down there and went out to dinner by myself every night. I had a favorite mexican restaurant down there I always went to and still do. There was a waiter that usually waited on me and we chatted every time I went there. He worried about me since I was always alone. I told him i worked down there and that is why I was alone. So I took my family there once and he came running up and said, “Oh, I am so happy, you do have friends.” We all laughed, but he really was genuinely happy for me. I haven’t seen him for quite some time. We went there last weekend for dinner and all of the sudden he shows up at our table. He looked at us and said I thought that was you. He told us he hadn’t been working at this particular restaurant, he was working at one of their other ones and going to school. We chatted for awhile and he made us friends on FB so we wouldn’t lose touch again. It really was so great to see him again! When we left my daughter looked at me and said…”that was Juan right? I wasn’t sure if that was the right “juan” or not.” If you don’t get it, say it out loud…she didn’t mean it to be funny, but it sure was.

A glove and a wreath – I saw a glove on the beach, it had just washed up on the shore. I’m not sure what that means and why I saw it. If you know me… I am always looking for signs. A glove keeps your hand warm and protects it from the cold. This was a work type glove, so I’m guessing it was sending me a message that I am protected. At least that is what I chose to believe. Now the wreath…wreaths on doors are a decoration…a welcome to all that visit. A wreath floating in the water means…welcome to the beach?? Oh..my gosh, as I was typing this I got it…I got the message…you are home…welcome home!

There were many other weird things that happened but these are some of the best. And even though there are some things going on in my life that I am having some  trouble with…there is one thing for sure, my life far from boring. And it helps to laugh!

“If you just go with the flow, no matter what weird things happen along the way, you always end up exactly where you belong.” ~ Tom Upton

04Apr/18
funny guy

Just Some Funny Weird Stuff…

Humor, ,

just because we need to laugh..

funny guy

make me laugh…

I had a bazillion(maybe not a bazillion) other things I was going to write about but I just needed to laugh and I don’t think I’m the only one. It seems like there is something in the air, the full moon from the weekend is still creating havoc or just the way the world is right now. Anyway, I decided to write my post today about things I have been collecting for awhile now and write in my book every time I see something weird or funny.

“From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.” ~ Dr. Seuss

And here it is:

  1. Buy Exhaust Here… I see this on a sign whenever I go back home to Pennsylvania to see family or friends…the sign says…Buy Exhaust Here…I don’t even know which is weirder, that you would sell it or that someone would buy it. If for some unknown reason you would want some couldn’t you just put a plastic bag over your exhaust pipe? I dunno…its just weird.
  2. Tattoos While You Wait… There is a tattoo parlor that I go by daily on my walks in our little town. I have lived here for 10 years and just a few weeks ago the sign out front struck me funny. Of course you would wait for your tattoo…I mean you can’t really leave your arm or leg… or boob there while you go shopping and come back for it later now can you?
  3. Ax Throwing Gaining Popularity in bars… Oh yeah, great…just what we need a bunch of drunk people throwing axes in bars. Need I say more…
  4. The Cochran Firm… This is the firm of the now deceased Johnnie Cochran that represented OJ. Johnnie passed away 13 years ago but in the ads on tv for the law firm…he lives. If they just had a small picture of him it would be fine, but they show a video of him talking. I really don’t mean any disrespect…honestly I don’t. But really, is it me or does this just seem a little creepy? Since I live in MD  and the law firm is in DC…the ad is on quite frequently.
  5. Ted Cruz posing for a picture with a “fan”…. Now this wouldn’t be weird except that the woman he was posing with was wearing a sign that said, “Texas deserves better than Cruz.” Maybe..and this is good advice for all of us… you should really look at someone before agreeing to have your photo taken with them.
  6. Danger, Men at Work sign… I see these signs quite a lot since it seems they are always working on the roads down here in Maryland…however when I saw a sign last week it got me thinking…why is it dangerous for men to be working…what are they doing that is dangerous…why don’t you ever see a sign that says, Danger, Women at Work? Are men just naturally more dangerous…or are women just more cautious?
  7. Gender Reveal Parties… Ugh…I just don’t get it, sorry. Back in my day(yeah, I know) we didn’t even know what we were having until we had it! Now everyone knows what they are having and not only that, they have to have a party(a huge frickin party) to let everyone know and share in the excitement. I read a story awhile back where this couple took the sealed envelope from the doctor to the bakery and told them to put the color pink or blue depending on the sex inside the cake. When they cut the cake it looked like pink….everyone at the party cheered and they all were very happy. Upon looking closer at pictures of the cake the icing looked white.. The couple then opened the second envelope the doctor have given them…just in case. It said, “it’s a boy.” Needless to say they were a little upset with the bakery.
  8. “My late husband died”… I was reading an article last week and the woman they were talking to was quoted as saying this line. I had to think about it for a few minutes… if he was her “late” husband, wouldn’t that also mean that he would have to have died? Again, is it me or is the statement redundant?
  9. If Door Does Not Open..Do Not Enter… this was a real sign on a door at a shop I was going to. I mean, if the door doesn’t open then I guess you can’t go in…or you may have to knock…3 times…LOL.. or call them or scream loudly… “let me in.”  Or is the door somehow connected to a secret buzzer and the owner has something fishy going on in there…again…I dunno!
  10. Please prepay in advance… another sign on the counter at a store I was shopping at… so if I’m buying a few items I have to know exactly what I’m going to get before I actually get them and pay for them before actually knowing what they are….does that make sense…no… well neither does your sign.

These were some of the funny, weird things I had on my list. I hope you enjoyed them. There are a lot more.. but I’ll save them for another day, another time. Do you see funny or weird stuff or is it just me?

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” ~ Reba McEntire

22Feb/18
looking for the perfect job

Looking For The Perfect Job…

Humor, Life, , ,

I do know there isn’t one…but I won’t be taking any of these…

looking for the perfect job

Waiting…

After losing yet another job I signed up for unemployment until I found the “perfect job.” This is much like finding the perfect man…neither one of them exists. I have to enter 3 job contacts on a website they have every week. I have had some weird jobs come up in my searches and they make me laugh. I think to myself..really who is going to do that?? But at least they make me laugh. Some of them make me shake my head and say..what?

Here are some of the ones that I thought were funny or just that I couldn’t see myself working there and the reasons why…

Delivery driver for Pizza Hut – Really.. how do they drive around all day with pizza in their car and not eat it…

Bookseller at Barnes and Noble – Ok, I even thought…wow, this could be fun. And then remind myself…books. I love to read, I read every night before falling asleep. So could I really work at a place with all those books?? I would be sitting in the corner in the children’s area reading…or I would run up to a customer and grab a book they are looking at and say…DO NOT get this book, it’s terrible….. thinking I could quite possibly get fired the first day on the job.

Bunny at the local mall – So you are dressed up in a bunny costume with screaming kids sitting on your lap and pulling on your ears…for what…two, three weeks, 8 hours a day…um, no thanks!

Manager at Walmart – Um, no!…nuff said…

Housekeeper – Daily cleaning, making meals and maybe watching 2 year old several days a week… just no. I don’t like doing this at my own house. I know you get paid and all, but they couldn’t pay me enough to do this.

Ice Cream Scooper at local dairy – ok, I think this could be my dream job. But not sure if they would like the “one scoop for you two for me” part… I would have to get it in writing before I would start. And I really don’t care how much the job pays.

Potato Chip Tester – Ok so actually the job description is a display setter/reset specialist…at least that’s what they are calling it…I call it…all the chips I can eat and get paid to do it!

Barista at Starbucks – I actually thought of applying for this, I mean I love coffee. Supposedly they are a good company to work for. And they have coffee…lots and lots of coffee…on second thought I don’t think I could do this. I might not be able to drive home. It’s bad enough I have a Keurig and can make a cup at home whenever I want, but I have to put the little cup in and press the button and make sure enough water is in the container….and all that…at Starbucks there is always coffee brewing…Its Starbucks…Back away from the coffee…

Garden Center Helper – This could be a fun job, I love looking at plants. But I think you have to actually take care of them…if they want dead plants then by all means call me. I can look at a plant and its dead the next day. Even air ferns…

Manager at the Disney Store – Job description..”Creating Magical Moments for guests of all ages.” Its been quite a long while since I’ve created a magical moment for anyone! And I think it might be entirely too peopley there for me. Or at least too many kids.

Entertainer at Land of Little Horses – So who do I have to entertain, the horses or the people who come to see them…job description wasn’t very clear.

Specimen Collector – Yes, that kind of specimen. Really they hire a person just for this job. I thought who ever wasn’t busy comes and collects it. Guessing most people are too busy… Who wants THAT job?

Crime Scene Cleaner –  Just No!

These are some of the weird wacky jobs I’ve seen listed this week. Stay tuned, if I don’t find a job there may be more…

“The only way to do great work is to love what you do.” ~ Steve Jobs

 

 

 

26Dec/17
Santa

Weird Things I Saw At Work….Part 4

Humor, Life, ,

presenting the Holiday Edition…

Santa

What the….

Sorry I haven’t written anything for a bit because I have been working retail and it was Christmas. But I did see some things that I thought you may enjoy. It’s been one of the weirdest holiday seasons I think I have ever worked…but then I say that every year. I also say I am not going to do this again next year…meaning work retail at Christmas…and then some how I forget how really bad it gets and do it again. We shall see if I do it again next year! But that’s not why you came here….so here for your enjoyment is my holiday edition of “weird things I saw at work”. I have quite a few because the closer it got to Christmas the more I things I saw…It got to the point that my coworkers would come over and say…”here’s one for your blog”….

I don’t even know where to start, but here goes…

1. Bottle of Gatorade in toilet – ok, I know that you need to throw things away when you are shopping…but really?? Did someone actually think they could flush that down the toilet…

2. Woman looking at phone for directions – no this one did not ask me for directions to the bathroom, the mens department, the mall, her car(yes people really ask me where they parked their car) I especially like when I’m standing behind the counter and they ask, “do you work here?” I got to the point I started saying…well that depends on what you want…anyway this woman had a map pulled up of the store and was trying to find her way out….this is not a huge store…does anyone think of just walking around a bit and looking for the door? Evidently not this woman…

3. Person with a picture on their phone – this was the thing this year, everyone had pictures of perfume and were asking me if we had this or that? But this person(man) came up and showed me a picture of the Lancome counter right beside him and asked where this was?  I thought he was joking…mistakingly… as evidently I was mistaken many times the past few weeks….thinking people couldn’t possibly be this stupid…anyway, I turned him around and pointed to the Lancome counter and said ….THERE!

4. Man asking for directions – yes, again…he asked where the bathroom was…I always ask now..womens or mens…since recently someone got angry at me for assuming they were a man when they were a woman… I told the man it was upstairs..he asked where upstairs..I told him in the corner of the mens clothing department…he looked at me and said, “where exactly”…I turned around like I had another customer because I wasn’t going to take his hand and lead him to the bathroom…

5. Coworker ends up in emergency room – my friend and coworker told me Christmas Eve morning when I came in that she had been in the emergency room until 2 am…she was showing a man perfume and bent down to get something and as she was getting up he was spraying the perfume….in the wrong direction and it went into her eye and immediately it swelled up. She is on steroids…

6. Man who needed a certain brand of perfume – now this would be fine and happens all the time..in fact I am glad when men know what brand they are looking for instead of trying to describe the bottle or scent to me….but this guy says…”do you carry perfume from Nordstrom”…again I think he must be putting me on because we are clearly not Nordstrom…I just looked at him and said I think you need to go to Nordstrom for that one. And off he went.

7. Putting a lock on one of our perfume cases – we had an issue with one of our cases losing the lock. They must be kept locked at all times. However this case had been without a lock for over a year. On the few days leading up to Christmas we take all the locks off as it would be crazy trying to get in and out of the cases constantly with locks on them. On the day before Christmas…a guy…huge guy…comes in and proceeds to put a lock on the case that didn’t have one. We could not get past him inside the counter area to wait on customers and he just kept working on it even when one of the associates told him this was not a good time to do this. Finally he finished up and left. I looked around at all the open cases and I mean all the other cases that were hanging open….that is except of course for the newly fixed case…I said and I might add a little too loud….wow, I’m so glad that we finally have a lock on that case!

8. Toddler eating cardboard – my coworker said she was talking to a woman about perfume and the lady had an 18 month old child with her in a stroller…my coworker looked down and the child was eating a huge piece of cardboard. My friend says to the woman, “oh, she shouldn’t be chewing on that it has paint on it”…to which the lady replies, “oh at least it’s keeping her quiet.” and I must say, thank goodness for that cause we have enough screaming kids in the store…

9. Guy looking for a gift for his wife – this sounds quite normal, right? I agree it was until I showed him a perfume and he took the bottle from me and sprayed it in each of his arm pits. I walked away….

10. Long haired guy looking for Rudolph – this guy comes up to my friend and I and shows us a picture on his phone. I’m thinking another perfume…no. It was a red nose…Rudolphs nose….one of those furry red noses, a huge one like people have on the front of their cars only bigger…and asked where he could find this? We both looked a each other and looked away so we wouldn’t crack up like we were ready to do and she says…maybe the Dollar Store…or somewhere, I really don’t know what store she told him cause I couldn’t look at her or stand there any longer. I wonder if he found one..

I have more but this is quite enough for today I think. It is a hard job working retail at Christmas. Most of the people I waited on were nice…they thanked me for my help and wished me a Merry Christmas…many more than in years past. Everyone was doing the “Happy Holidays” thing for a long time but this year it was Merry Christmas again. It did my heart good to hear it. I tried to keep a positive attitude when it got hectic and not let things get to me. That didn’t work every day. But it helped. That and lots of Starbucks coffee…

“Working retail at Christmas is fun….said no one ever…”

25Nov/17
apron hanging on wheel

Weird Things I Saw At Work…Part 3

Humor, Life, ,

believe me its never ending….

apron hanging on wheel

and I wasn’t even in the store yet…

It is really a constant source of amusement or amazement(not sure if that’s a word) working in retail. At least where I work. People have said I should just do a weekly column about this but I don’t want you to get bored with it so I will do one every now and then…especially when I have a bunch of good ones to tell you. Here are some from the past week.

1. The apron in the picture – not sure if the person said, “the hell with this job” and hung it there as they left…or they just wanted to air it out. Believe me when I say I am grateful I work in the perfume department as a lot of people walking by really need it!

2. Man who was a little confused – a very strange man came up to the counter and asked how much the perfume was that was sitting there. He wanted to know much the bottle was by itself and how much the set was…I told him the prices. My co worker walked up and he asked her the very same question. She told him what I had just told him. He then looks at both of us and says..”Oh, ok…I need to go I’m a little high.” and off he goes. Leaving the two of us standing there looking at each other like did this really just happen?? And yes…yes it did!

3. Girl on phone – now this is not different or strange in that someone was on the phone while shopping and asking questions while trying to talk to me about perfume…this happens all the time. Sometimes I will ignore them and they look at me and say “excuse me I was asking you a question”…to which I give my standard reply…”Oh, I’m sorry I thought you were talking to the person on the phone and I was waiting until you were finished”….However in this instance what was different and strange was that she was on 2 phones at the same time…. she was texting on one and talking on the other one. I can barely talk or text on mine while shopping and she was doing all three at the same time. Is this what is known as amiphonedexterous…I just made this word up…but it should definitely be a word.

4. Question at the Clinique counter – my coworker at the Clinique counter told me this one…(my friends there now know I write about these things and give me some of their favorites to use) a customer asked her if she bought the Clinique foundation could she get the Lancome free gift???? What?

5. What happened at Starbucks? – Now I know this didn’t happen in my store but it was right outside the door at Starbucks so I can count it. I need a break every so often and go get a cup of coffee… a woman in front of me bought $37 worth of Starbucks for her and her 3 children….really?? and they were little kids…do they really know the difference between a drink at McDonalds and Starbucks…

“When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” ~ Steven Wright

6. Strange woman – I’ve had a lot of weird people come by the perfume counter in my almost 15 years in the business….but this one was one of the weirdest. A woman walks up and is staring at the perfume in front of her. I asked if I could help her find a perfume…she responds to my question by picking up the bottle in front of her and sprays it up her crotch… then she slams it back down on the counter, looks at me with a very mean scary look and walks away. Alrighty then….

7. Weird cosmetic question – I’d like to return this $4 eyebrow sharpener…where do I go….loaded question…I said I really don’t know…I don’t work here…

8. Man looking for a particular fragrance but didn’t know the name – This happens a lot…people come up and say I don’t know the name but I know the bottle if I see it…so the guy says this to me and says I will just walk around and look for it. He comes running back up to me all excited and says, “I found it!” I said oh good, do you want it…to which he replies…”no, but I found it.” I know I always have the same look on my face when these things happen and a co worker will come over and ask…”what now?”

9. Channel 5 – people are always asking for Channel…it is very popular and all the ads on tv make it even more popular…the thing that gets me even with all the advertising is people still continue to call it…Channel 5 or just where is the Channel…I always say which Channel do you want…just to be a smart ass…but of course they don’t get it…it just gives me a tiny bit of  pleasure to say it…

10. Coconut Chanel – while we are on the Chanel channel….this happened yesterday. A customer asked for Coconut Chanel instead of Coco Chanel…sorry if you don’t think its funny….but for us who work retail….you get your laughs where you can in our world…

By the way all the computers were down in our world for most of the afternoon yesterday and we couldn’t accept credit cards…not even the store credit card…people had to pay cash….CASH! Do you even know what kind of commotion this caused and how many sales we lost? Who carries cash? Evidently not many people…

Well I must go back in there again so I have to go get ready…. here is my question for you…Have you ever worked retail…and what was the funniest or stupidest thing that you ever had happen?  And please…wish me luck today…

“If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” ~ Yogi Berra

 

 

18Nov/17
say what

10 Things You Just Don’t Want To Know…

Humor, Life,

But I’m going to tell you anyway…

say what

Say What??

I have seen and heard some weird things lately so I thought I would just put them out there for all of you. I don’t want to be the only one that has weird things going through  their mind… You may have some of your own. Things you really could have gone through your life not knowing…or at least I could have with these…

1. Finding out your relationship has ended on Facebook. This one wasn’t me but it happened to a friend. Really you couldn’t at least text them first.

2. Knowing how many people each day fly by you in their car and are texting while driving. Sometimes i see them, sometimes I don’t. It’s the ones I don’t see that scare me.

3. Finding out your husband is “seeing” your neighbor who lives up the street. Actually he was doing a little more than just “seeing” her… And yes we were married during this. Fun times….

4. Finding out your parents have sex. I was so mortified by this.. I guess I thought I was brought here by aliens, which by the way is what Mom told me… and after finding this out I almost wished it was the truth.

5. I saw online somewhere just recently that humans will eat about 8 spiders in our lifetime while we are sleeping. Not sure if it’s true or not, but don’t you think we would wake up if a spider was crawling around in our mouth… I pray to all that’s holy I would…

6. If the whole spider thing isn’t bad enough….according to the FDA there are 60 or more fragments of insects per 100 grams of chocolate. Yum! Protein in our chocolate bar. I guess that makes it healthy to eat chocolate.

7. Finding out your ex is dating your best friend. This of course did not happen to me because none of my friends could stand my ex. It did happen to a friend of mine and she was devastated. She is isn’t friends with either of them anymore.

8. This one is extra special….20% of office coffee mugs contain fecal matter. Thank goodness for Starbucks! And really how does it get in the mugs…wait….I really don’t want to know.

9. Finding out when you get home from a fun day of shopping and then dinner that you had toilet paper sticking out of your pants all day. I saw this happen today and wanted to tell the woman but thought she may get upset. I guess she was upset anyway when she got home and no one had told her.

10. And last but not least….humans shed over 600,000 particles of skin every hour…(saw this on Facebook, and if its on FB it has to be true)….one question…why am I not skinny after losing all of this skin????

“What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” ~ Proverb

Well evidently some times it could….What could you have done without knowing?