it’s been 4 years this week since she’s been gone…
My Beautiful Mother
This week marked the 4 year anniversary of my mother’s passing and it brought up so many thoughts and memories I didn’t even realize I had. We like to think we are so different from our mothers…but are we?
My Mom has been on my mind a lot lately for a variety of reasons. One of which is that I recently came across a letter she wrote to me right after our moving to Maryland from Pennsylvania. And reading it made me cry. But it also made me understand some things a little better.
In the letter she expressed her concern for us being so far away and that she wouldn’t get to see me as often and we wouldn’t be able to go shopping together like we did when I lived in the same city as her. She told me that some day I would know how she felt and that she hoped we would still be as close as we had been before the move. Now, I only moved about an hour and a half away, so it wasn’t like I moved across the country to California or to New England like my youngest did, but she was concerned it would change our lives and our closeness. And she wanted me to know she missed me.
“Mothers are like glue. Even when you can’t see them, they’re still holding the family together.” ~ Susan Gayle
I went up there once a week and we still did our dinners and went shopping. We also did every holiday with her and Dad. They had wonderful get togethers at Christmas and picnics on Memorial Day, 4th of July and Labor Day where the whole family would be at their house to celebrate. These celebrations were so important to Mom and she made them very special for everyone. I really loved spending time with my parents and the rest of the family but sometimes I just didn’t feel like going. Maybe because it was expected that I be there and maybe I just wanted to stay at the beach longer with my friends and not come back early to be at the family gathering.
And so one year I did just that, I stayed at the beach and called to say I wouldn’t be getting back for this get together. Mom was quite upset that I wasn’t coming home but I stood my ground. I didn’t go, I had fun at the beach with my friends. That Tuesday after Labor Day I got a call at work that my father had a massive coronary and died. I have never forgiven myself for not going to the Labor Day family gathering that year. The last one we ever had.
We all make choices that don’t work out or we feel were a mistake at the time. And this is one I regret. Not only that my father died and I missed seeing him one last time, but how much I had let my mother down by not coming home. Our parents are only here for part of our lives. Some people get to have them longer than others. But the point is, they won’t be here forever so if they ask something of us, maybe we should do that thing for them. And if you are lucky enough to still have yours, spend time with them as often as you can and tell them you love them.
I also had to call my mother every night at 11pm. Every night without fail. She would call me if I didn’t and I would be in big trouble. It was just something we did. She did it with her mother and we had to do it too. I had moved out of our home so I didn’t see her anymore on a daily basis. And I would be somewhere and think OMG, it’s 11:00 I have to call Mom. I get it now…why she wanted me to call. I was 15, 3 months shy of 16 and I was a kid. She missed me and she wanted to be part of my daily life. I didn’t get that then. It was just another thing I “had” to do!
All of these things I ‘had’ to do…and I would do them all now in a heartbeat if I could. But I can’t. I still love to shop and go with my daughters and grand kids. But I would give anything to go shopping with Mom. I do blame her quite frequently for my shopping habits. It’s all her fault that I buy the things I do. At least that is what I tell myself.
Love you and miss you Mom! Talk to you later…
“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.” ~ Honore de Balzac
Beautifully written as always. You’ve tugged my heartstrings. I’m at an age where many friends are losing parents – your words are masterful at describing the thoughts and feelings we have when losing a parent.
Thank you so much Teresa!
Your Mom is so pretty, Renee. I imagine most of us have used excuses at one time or another to put off being with the parents. I can remember trying to shorten phone calls. And now of course we feel…if only… The thing is, they knew we loved them and had our lives to live. Take care.
Thanks Peg! I’ve been doing the “if only” thing a lot lately…
Renee, thank you for sharing the memories of your lovely mother. It’s a reminder to us all, no matter what the annoyances or frustrations that get in the way of our mother-daughter relationships. I hope you can forgive yourself for missing the “last” time. We really never know or can know. If we thought like that all the time, we’d go a bit crazy Try to focus on the other times you shared. I’ve be learning and writing a lot about grief since my father died in a tragic accident 3 years ago. I had said all I needed beforehand, fortunately, but his painful ending still haunts me.
Thank you Evelyn for your kind words! We all tend to beat ourselves up when it comes to our relationships…So Sorry about your father!
Renee, this is a bittersweet posting. Very well done. You are sad that your mom is no longer around yet her spirit lives within you. The memories that you possess of your good times (especially shopping) will give you comfort in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. That you were close to your mom is such a blessing that is indeed very special. Although there are events in our lifetime that we regret, they are far outshadowed by the good experiences that the two of you shared. And for that, you are very lucky. May her memory be a beacon to you in the days ahead to keep positive and do those things that you truly enjoy. We all know that would put a permanent smile on her face.
Thank you Andy! You always say just the right thing…
Beautiful Renee. I too call my mother every day although not 11 PM. She would be asleep by then. 🙂
Thank you Carole! My Mom was a night owl! Keep calling your Mom!
LOVE LOVE LOVE, I too am having thoughts of my mom lately, that sometimes makes me cry. Just did last night, remembering years ago, she was staying at my old house and I JUST HAD to spend time with the current boyfriend. Well, I had a gate up to keep the dog in the kitchen and she tried to climb over it rather than take it down and ended up falling and breaking her pelvis. Apparently laid on the floor for hours until my son got home from school and found out. Didn’t have cell phones then, and for some reason this memory came to me last night and I cried and kept saying “I’m so sorry mommy”. My mom passed at 69 years in 1990, so I lost her way too soon. She never got to see her grandkids. Just makes me so sad. My father, I don’t speak of, was a horrible man, so we’ll let it at that. I’m so glad my son spends time with me and calls me and texts me constantly. Not every day, he says he relies on facebook to let him know I’m OK, lol. Anyway, I feel what you’re going thru and yes I MISS MY MOM terribly. We used to go to bingo almost every night of the week, so thats how I got my gambling problem, lol.
So I hope one day we’ll MEET AGAIN in heaven. HUGS girlfriend. Great story.
Aw thank you Susie…and for telling me the story about your mom…We will meet again! Love you!