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I’m Sorry….

I’m just want to let you know….

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I’m very sorry…

I feel the need to say I’m sorry. I think some of my family and friends don’t understand why I am different and why I act the way I do now. I know most of you “get it” and get me and do understand why I’m different, but I know even you must at times wonder if it will ever stop or if I am forever going to be this new person. So I must apologize to those of you who wonder and those of you I’ve hurt.

I’m sorry I’m not the same person I once was. The person you knew before July 20th, 2016. The death of my son has changed me forever. I will never be the same.

I’m sorry you don’t think I’m handling things the way I should…or the way you think I should. I am doing the best I can.

I’m sorry if I sometimes pull away and seem indifferent to you. I’m not feeling that way at all and it’s not you…it’s me. I just get weird at times. I don’t even know why or where these feelings come from..nor can I stop them from happening.

I’m sorry if I yell at you. I have always yelled at those I cared about…I just do it more now. It seems I have no filter these days. I say things that even I don’t know why I’m saying them. I try to stop the words before I say them…but I can’t.

I’m sorry I don’t want to be around drama. I have had enough drama to last me the rest of my life. I want to feel peaceful and be peaceful. If a situation feels like too much for me…I pull away. I retreat. I go inside myself.

“The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.” ~ Brian Tracy

I’m sorry if our relationship isn’t what it was before and that hurts you. Nothing is the same anymore. I am trying to figure out my new normal…whatever that is and whatever my life will be going forward. Some of my relationships are better, some aren’t. Some are over. I understand if you don’t want me in your life. I know I’m not always easy to be around…I don’t like being around myself at times…

I’m sorry if I turn down invitations or don’t try harder to get together with you. I may be having a bad day and don’t want to pull you into my drama. Sometimes I don’t like being around a lot of people and it gives me anxiety. I have never had this before and it is strange for me to feel this way.

I’m sorry if I worry about you. I have always worried about my family and friends, but I do it more now. If I don’t hear from you, I think something terrible has happened. I freak out and call or text you till I know you are ok. I can’t lose anyone else I care about.

I’m sorry if I can’t make believe something doesn’t bother me. Even if I try to cover it up my face will tell the true story. Ask my daughters…I love them both with all my heart and even they get “the face”…

I’m sorry if you’re thinking all of this is just an excuse for the way I act at times. I worry about that and mentioned it recently to a friend and she said, “you true friends get it.” I hope this is true. But I also know all this can change the dynamics of our relationship. So I understand if you don’t want to be around me. I wasn’t the easiest person to be around before…I’m sure I’m no ray of sunshine now.

My point to all of this was to help you better understand why I act the way I do at times. But there is also a good lesson for all of us in this…. the fact is we never know what someone may be going through and what they are truly feeling at any given moment. Unless you walk in their shoes you can never, never fully understand. So think about that the next time a family member or good friend says or does something you don’t believe they should have. Maybe, just maybe there is a good reason behind that behavior. It might not be what you think is a good reason, but it is their reason.

“Remember anyone can love you when the sun is shining. In the storms is where you learn who truly cares for you.” ~ Unknown

28 thoughts on “I’m Sorry….

  1. Of course your loss has changed you forever. Now you know that any possibility could happen…it’s daunting…Depression can kill and many people cannot escape that inevitability, no matter how hard you try to keep them here. The pain is too much to endure for them to keep going…But I see your spirit and your sense of humor and your love of family. It comes through in all of your writing…You grandkids are fortunate you are close by…”Living well is the best revenge” My favorite quote…by George Herbert (British Poet 1593-1633)

  2. WOW, Renee…I’m am so sorry for what you must go through day by day, mourning your loss. I know your very close network of gals must be a tremendous help. I hope and pray your “new chapter” will bring much happiness and contentment. We’ll get together soon. (weather permitting!!)

    1. Thanks Peg, you are very supportive also..your texts always come when I most need them…and yes..lets get together soon..

  3. I cannot understand how you feel because I have never suffered what you went through. However, I can offer an old adage that might just work. Today is the first day in the rest of your life. What has transpired in the past can never be erased but from its pain can sprout new resolution. Old friendships can be rekindled and new friendships started. If your friends are truly good friends, they understand and will work with you to create a better environment for you to enjoy life and all of the blessings it does bestow upon us. My hope is that 2018 will go down in your ledger of memories as a particularly great year.

    1. Thank you Andy, I hope so too! And I do have the best group of friends..of which I consider both you and Peg part of that group!

  4. Thank you for this frank post. It helps me to understand the changes in my friendship with someone who lost her son. She is different, and I will be more gentle, more accepting, more patient. I wish you peace. (And uninterrupted access to wifi, because you’re good.)

    1. Oh, thank you so much! And yes we are different…so glad I could help you with your friend. And don’t be afraid to talk to her about her loss…that is very important…Thanks again for your comments..

  5. No need to apologize. It hasn’t been that long. You’re still deep in grieving. I lost my husband and stepson on the same day… Christmas Day, seven years ago. I will never be the same again. In many ways it’s hardened me. Do what you need to get through this awful time. Don’t try to act like others think you should act. To lose a child you bore…. That must be the worst kind of grief. xoxox, Brenda

  6. I’m sorry you aren’t getting the support you need. None of us heals on a schedule. Some of us need company. Some of us need to withdraw. I agree with another commenter that your true friends will understand, and at the end of the day, you will know who they are.

    1. Thank you Alana…I do have a few good friends and some family and my 2 daughters who are very supportive. I have a network or tribe that really gets me…thank goodness…

  7. Brave and true. Yes, we have people in our lives who love us, but sometimes self-love is what we truly need. Sometimes it is quiet self-love–we don’t share but we go within ourselves. That is FINE. And sometimes we can acknowledge that right now we need space. THAT IS FINE TOO. Hugs to you, Renee.

    1. Thank you Beth! I have gone within…I have needed to do that for a while…now I am ready to start a new chapter..adventure..something different. Thanks again!

  8. Such a raw and honest look at grief and how it affects your life. I just want to hug you. I am at a loss for words because I know words are meaningless, but your grief is yours and no one has the right to rush it or change it. I will never forget this. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Oh Rena, you touched my heart with your words…and they aren’t meaningless at all…Thank you so much for the kind thoughts…

  9. This post breaks my heart, mainly because you feel you’re in a position where you need to write it. No, many of us do not know first hand how you feel, but there is this thing called compassion, and part of it is to not judge others, especially those in pain.

    1. Thank you so much Karen for you kind thoughts…you’d be surprised how some people act. Or maybe sadly you wouldn’t be surprised..

  10. Don’t you ever feel the need to tell me that. i can’t IMAGINE!! I’m going thru a lot right now with my younger brother and i KNOW I’ve been short tempered and mean to some. ITS not the ME most people know, but its hard 😢. And i dont need the petty drama either. I love ya kiddo!!!

    1. I know you have been going through a lot with him and you both are in my prayers….Thanks Susie, you just keep being you and don’t let everyone elses drama get to you..love yu

  11. LIfe changes so quickly, and then it just keeps going. Sometimes we don’t have the energy to go along with it. Your true friends do “get it.” They will love you no matter what. You will lose some I’m sure, but the others are the ones who will continue to help you along the way. Much love to you!

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