There’s Aways HOPE…

Hope Springs Eternal”..Alexander Pope


always.. always Hope…

I haven’t felt much like writing and couldn’t decide on a topic this week…last week I was searching for “something to believe in” ..it seems to be a constant battle lately for me to find better days. I went for a walk yesterday…the sun was shining brightly and it wasn’t as cold as it has been. I even walked longer than my usual 35 minutes, I walked for over an hour. I was looking for signs and of course I found some. But I was also looking for something else, something to give me “hope”…

I really am not this person I feel I have become. I do not give up! But when things just keep happening you sometimes feel like doing just that. I think I usually get this way in March…I am tired of winter and the darkness it brings. I love sunshine and warm weather and by the time March rolls around I am just done. Then throw in the time change and well I just can’t…So as I walked I tried to come up with things that give me hope…and I do know this…There is always hope!

I spent some time with two of my grand kids on Friday and Saturday. They give me hope. The two of them are such loving sweet kids and they give me hope for our future. They are my son’s children and I love spending time with them when I get the chance.  We usually go to a movie and then play games and talk. Yes, we actually talk. They ask me questions about their father growing up and what he was like as a child. We usually wind up laughing hysterically about something I tell them. It makes me happy and fills me with hope to know they want to talk about him and keep him “alive” in their hearts. It is good to be able to talk about him and just feel normal for a little while…I know it is good for all of us to be able to do that. I also love their sweet hugs and kisses and most of all.. hearing them say, “Grammy, I love you!” They give me hope!

After they left I went to the grocery store…now this doesn’t usually fill me with hope…or any kind of enjoyment.. however on this day it did. I saw a cashier who used to work there and had been gone for some time, so I went to his register. He looked up and smiled and I told him I was glad he was back. We chatted for awhile and he asked how my job was going, to which I replied…laid off again. He looked at me, his eyes so very honestly filled with emotion.. he wished me luck and winked. It made my day. And gave me hope.

“Hope is the last thing ever lost.” ~ Italian Proverb

As I was walking I couldn’t help but see the flowers coming up out of the dirt and leaves. The flowers make me happy. I am always amazed that year after year they continue to thrive and grow again after the cold dreary winter. The little ones especially, the crocus and snowdrops. And then the daffodils and tulips that follow. The trees are starting to bud and it all gives me a sense of renewal. It gives me hope.

I can’t help but notice the sounds coming from the trees, the little birds flitting from tree to tree singing their happy little songs and building their nests. I see Cardinals and I saw my first Robin. I am always excited to see them as it really means Spring is here. At least it is supposed to be here. If the robins come back then it’s here….right? I even saw some geese flying back from their vacations in the south. All the birds and animals know it’s Spring…then why doesn’t it feel like it? But..it gives me hope!

I walk along and think what else gives me hope? And what comes to mind is… the beach and the ocean. The ocean gently bringing the waves to the shore and then back out again. The constant in and out of the water and the smell of it brings such a sense of peace. It is definitely something that I love, and something that gives me hope.

As I pass by a playground I see a bunch of children playing and laughing. They are outside playing in the sunshine and enjoying every minute of it. Not one of them has a cell phone or an electronic device. They are climbing on the rock walls and swinging on the swings. The sounds of pure joy permeate the air.  It makes me smile and gives me hope!

“Hope is like a bird that senses the dawn and starts to sing while it is still dark.” ~ Unknown

There is goodness and hope out there in the world but it seems we have a tendency to see the bad more so than the good. I share a “good story” on Facebook every day. Some days it takes forever to find one. I see so many horrible stories but very few good ones. It is important to me to find the “good”…and share it. People sometimes comment and like the posts and sometimes they don’t. But when I see people out at a restaurant or shopping somewhere they always comment that they love my “good stories”… So they do make a difference. It is the same with this blog. I think to myself, I don’t feel like writing this week, will anyone even notice it I don’t? And then I remember all the people that tell me they read it and just don’t comment. I have to remember why I do these things. I do them because I love doing them and if a few people get some enjoyment out of it then that is just icing on the cake. And it gives me hope.

All these things give me hope. Also my family and friends that are always reaching out to me keeping me going in these tough times. They are my rock and they give me hope. I know two things..I know that Spring will soon be here and I will once again find something I love to do. While looking for quotes for this post I found so many good ones and just reading them filled me with HOPE! It’s out there..I hope you find it too!

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” ~ Desmond Tutu


sunset on the beach

“Something To Believe In”

and why is everything a song title??

sunset on the beach

I Believe…

And why does everything I say sound like a song title? Maybe since there have been a bazillion songs that have been sung, there is always something that “is” a song title. This particular song title, “Something to Believe In”, was recorded by numerous bands and singers. And every single version is different. The Ramones sang a song called “Something to Believe In”…in 1986. Poison a different one in 1990 and Bon Jovi another version in 1995. There were numerous others I found on Wikipedia. I think it’s strange that each song had the same title but was about different things…to believe in.

I started thinking about this the other day…about how I needed something to believe in again. I have always been a glass half full kind of person. I always believed everything would turn out all right and the sun would come up again…tomorrow. I believed in miracles. I believed in Spring and all the beautiful flowers blooming once again after the cold brutal winter. I believed Mother Nature to be stronger than Old Man Winter and that she would come through every single year. I believed in the goodness of others and that things would somehow just work out.

Yes, I believed all of that but lately I started doubting that everything would be all right. I know life isn’t perfect and everyone has their share of times that make you just want to give up, lie in bed all day and eat chocolate. After so many things, one right after another, that have happened to me I just need something….something to make me want to grab hold of the day and embrace it. Like I used to. Before all the bad stuff. I want, I need “something to believe in..”

“Life’s like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.” ~ Jim Henson

The other day as I was driving to meet a friend,  all of the sudden for some reason I remembered a song(yes another one) that I sang in chorus in 7th grade. We had a Spring Choral Concert and we sang, “I Believe.” I’ll never forget the performance because we got a standing ovation from all the parents and students. It was the highlight of my singing career…Which was actually only that one concert. But never the less, I can still see everyone, some with tears in their eyes clapping and cheering.

I looked the song up on Wikipedia(I use that a lot) and found out the song was first sung by a woman by the name of Jane Fromen. She asked some songwriters she knew to come up with a song that would give people hope and faith around the time of the Korean War since she felt people needed to hear something positive. She had a program on television and sang the song on her show. This was around 1953. I had never heard about her, but then I was very young at the time and I don’t even know if we had a tv yet. You really need to Google her and read her story. It’s very interesting and actually there was a movie about her life called “With a Song in my Heart,” in which she was portrayed by Susan Hayward. I find it somewhat strange and wonderful that you can be researching one thing and come up with something entirely different. Something that can give you hope…something to believe in.

Just like the song title “Something To Believe In”, “I Believe” had several different versions. The lyrics were for the most part the same but sung by different people. Frankie Lane is one of the first people to sing it after Jane Froman. I remember listening to Frankie because my parents liked him..however I don’t recall hearing him sing the song. I don’t really think I ever heard anyone sing it except me and my 7th grade chorus friends. It really is a beautiful song and just like Jane requested…it is full of hope. Here are a few of the lyrics…reading them today made me tear up a bit. I think maybe it was remembering that night so long ago and also the pure power behind the words.

“I Believe”

Lyricists: Sammy Cahn, Al Stillman
Composers: Ervin Drake, Jimmy Shirl, Irvin Graham, Jule Styne

I believe for every drop of rain that falls…a flower grows.

I believe that somewhere in the darkest night…a candle glows.

I believe for everyone who goes astray…someone will come to show the way.

I believe, I believe.

I believe above the storm the smallest prayer…Will still be heard

I believe that someone in the great somewhere…Hears every word

Every time I hear a new born baby cry…

Or touch a leaf or see the sky

I believe, I believe

Very positive and powerful words. I want to listen to it now, maybe I will listen to Elvis’ version. I needed this today. And I hope the positivity these lyrics brought stays with me. I used to believe unconditionally that everything would turn out fine. There was never a doubt in my mind that the bad spurt was short lived and good would once again return. Somehow I lost that feeling. I know bad things can happen now… I have seen and lived through so many. I think I almost started expecting them instead of the good things. But I also know I survived the worst..it can only get better. I believe better days are ahead, I believe “everything’s gonna be all right!” (another song by the way..Kenny Chesney)

“Sometimes, patience is taking a deep breath and listening to that little voice on the inside saying, “Don’t worry, everything is going to be all right.”  ~ Unknown


looking for the perfect job

Looking For The Perfect Job…

I do know there isn’t one…but I won’t be taking any of these…

looking for the perfect job


After losing yet another job I signed up for unemployment until I found the “perfect job.” This is much like finding the perfect man…neither one of them exists. I have to enter 3 job contacts on a website they have every week. I have had some weird jobs come up in my searches and they make me laugh. I think to myself..really who is going to do that?? But at least they make me laugh. Some of them make me shake my head and say..what?

Here are some of the ones that I thought were funny or just that I couldn’t see myself working there and the reasons why…

Delivery driver for Pizza Hut – Really.. how do they drive around all day with pizza in their car and not eat it…

Bookseller at Barnes and Noble – Ok, I even thought…wow, this could be fun. And then remind myself…books. I love to read, I read every night before falling asleep. So could I really work at a place with all those books?? I would be sitting in the corner in the children’s area reading…or I would run up to a customer and grab a book they are looking at and say…DO NOT get this book, it’s terrible….. thinking I could quite possibly get fired the first day on the job.

Bunny at the local mall – So you are dressed up in a bunny costume with screaming kids sitting on your lap and pulling on your ears…for what…two, three weeks, 8 hours a day…um, no thanks!

Manager at Walmart – Um, no!…nuff said…

Housekeeper – Daily cleaning, making meals and maybe watching 2 year old several days a week… just no. I don’t like doing this at my own house. I know you get paid and all, but they couldn’t pay me enough to do this.

Ice Cream Scooper at local dairy – ok, I think this could be my dream job. But not sure if they would like the “one scoop for you two for me” part… I would have to get it in writing before I would start. And I really don’t care how much the job pays.

Potato Chip Tester – Ok so actually the job description is a display setter/reset specialist…at least that’s what they are calling it…I call it…all the chips I can eat and get paid to do it!

Barista at Starbucks – I actually thought of applying for this, I mean I love coffee. Supposedly they are a good company to work for. And they have coffee…lots and lots of coffee…on second thought I don’t think I could do this. I might not be able to drive home. It’s bad enough I have a Keurig and can make a cup at home whenever I want, but I have to put the little cup in and press the button and make sure enough water is in the container….and all that…at Starbucks there is always coffee brewing…Its Starbucks…Back away from the coffee…

Garden Center Helper – This could be a fun job, I love looking at plants. But I think you have to actually take care of them…if they want dead plants then by all means call me. I can look at a plant and its dead the next day. Even air ferns…

Manager at the Disney Store – Job description..”Creating Magical Moments for guests of all ages.” Its been quite a long while since I’ve created a magical moment for anyone! And I think it might be entirely too peopley there for me. Or at least too many kids.

Entertainer at Land of Little Horses – So who do I have to entertain, the horses or the people who come to see them…job description wasn’t very clear.

Specimen Collector – Yes, that kind of specimen. Really they hire a person just for this job. I thought who ever wasn’t busy comes and collects it. Guessing most people are too busy… Who wants THAT job?

Crime Scene Cleaner –  Just No!

These are some of the weird wacky jobs I’ve seen listed this week. Stay tuned, if I don’t find a job there may be more…

“The only way to do great work is to love what you do.” ~ Steve Jobs





Do You See Signs…

“sign, sign, everywhere a sign”….


there are signs everywhere, we just need to see them….

“Signs”, as you may or may not recall was a song made popular in the 70’s by Five Man Electrical Band. Their frontman, Les Emmerson wrote it after taking a rode trip on Route 66. The band performed the song on American Bandstand on April 15th, 1972. Tesla did a remake of it in 1990. Little bit of trivia for you….this post however is not about songs, it’s about signs.

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced seeing signs..or if you are even open to seeing them. I am, I always have been but more so now after losing so many people in my life. It brings me such peace to see a sign when I ask for one during my walks in the morning or even when I am just driving somewhere in my car and see one unexpectedly! Whenever and however I have the experience… they make me happy and let me know everything is going to be fine! I see all kinds of signs. Lately I have seen some very strange ones..here are a few of them.

1. Rubber bands – This is one of the weird ones. Maybe if I just saw one or two it wouldn’t be so weird but I have been seeing a bunch of these every time I walk. Different places so it’s not the same ones and all different colors…not sure if that means something or not. But what are they trying to tell me? Are they saying…Hey, hold it together…be flexible..or reminding me that something should be bind us all together…or that you can pull one just so far before it snaps. Not sure which one to go with, maybe all of them apply at certain times.

2. Feathers – I know a lot of people see these and say they signify a loved one near by or angels are among us. All of the ones I see are white and I read somewhere that means some one is protecting me. I believe that. I have lost too many of my dear loved ones to not believe they are all protecting me.

3. Hearts – All kinds of hearts or things that look like a heart. Rocks or shells that are heart shaped..a leaf that is shaped like a heart…a piece of gum someone spit out and has been smashed on the sidewalk(ok, I know you think this is weird) It does not matter to me what it is, if it looks like a heart it is a sign. My youngest daughter sees way more hearts than I do. She send me pictures of the ones she finds and sometimes I have a hard time finding the heart…

4. Poop – Ok, this one is weird even for me. I saw what looked to be like a huge pile of human poop. It may have been dog poop but I never saw dog poop look like this pile of poop did. What does this one mean? Life is poop.. or maybe poop happens. Well it does…maybe it was meant to tell me that it does happen and just move on. Not sure about this sign…anyone??

5. Puzzle pieces – I have seen so many puzzle pieces on my walks…not just one or two…a lot. What are they trying to tell me? Maybe it’s that life is a huge puzzle and once you find all the pieces…you die. I’m pretty sure I don’t have the puzzle of my life figured out yet…not even close….so I will be here for a while!

“Signs are to eyes what words are to ears.” ~ Ken Glickman

6. Candy wrappers and Dum Dums – Maybe I am just a little too hungry when I go on my walks. I know there is a bunch of trash on the ground right now with the snow gone, and I get the candy wrappers..but the Dum Dums are not in wrappers. They still have the lollipops inside. What could the significance of seeing Dum Dums be? I am dumb..people are dumb…the whole world is dumb? Yes, yes and YES!

7. Bag of Doritos – A full unopened bag. This one is definitely a sign from my son. Doritos were his favorite snack ever. He could eat one of those ginormous bags in one sitting.. I can’t look at a bag of Doritos without thinking of Dave!

8. Pack of Marlboros cigarettes – It started out as one pack and now two…there is a chair on the porch of a house I pass by everyday..it has one of those net things to hold your drink…but instead of a drink, there is a pack of Marlboros in it. The person must come out on the porch and smoke…but why do they need two packs? They must smoke a lot or there are 2 people smoking and they don’t want to share…but I digress…what is this sign telling me? Anyone that knows me well also knows my Marlboro story about my ex husband… So is this sign telling me I finally need to forgive him? I don’t know if I can do that? I have tried several times in my life to forgive him but he keeps doing things that makes forgiveness hard. I’ll have to think on this one…

9. Birds – Cardinals, Blue Jays and Hawks – We have all heard seeing a cardinal is a sign from a loved one. I see quite a few of them when I am walking but recently I was having a little bit of a bad day and went out into the kitchen and one was at the window…just fluttering it’s little wings and staying there in mid air at the window looking in at me. A blue jay.. well that was a little more difficult to find anything about..it seems they give us a voice(something I’ve never had trouble finding) or clarity on something. And Hawks…I just love them. My son loved them and once found one that was injured…he took it home and tried to nurse it back to health, he couldn’t so he called the local Department of Natural Resources and they came and picked it up. They called him when it was ready to be released so he could watch that happen. He loved that experience and it was one he would never forget. So I see hawks all the time..I see one in particular that seems to always be there…Dave told me he would see a hawk in the median strip on Route 15 every day on his way to work…I would see it too and then I didn’t anymore….not long after he died I started seeing it right there in the median strip again. If I am having trouble with something and I ask… will this all work out ok… all of a sudden a hawk appears and I quietly say…Thanks Dave!

10. Seeing certain numbers or times coming up on the clock – In our family we always notice the same certain numbers coming up…a lot! 11/11 or 11:11 or 111 or 11/1…Do these numbers come up for a reason…it is said you should make a wish when you see them…or it means change is coming(well that one is for sure, cause our family sure has had a ton of it) or does it have to do with synchronicity…Or is it just the fact we notice these numbers and so are more aware of them when they show up. By the way, Wikipedia says Carl Jung came up with the word Synchronicity back in 1952..and gave it a definition of “meaningful coincidences.” I have had a ton of meaningful coincidences in my life and hope I have a few more coming my way…soon. Good ones.

Do you ever experience this? Do you see signs? What signs do you see?

“Over the months, I kept seeing more feathers, especially at moments when I was really down and distraught. You ask for signs in your life, but what you get is more like a confirmation: You are where you need to be. Just take a deep breath.” ~ Lana Parrilla






10 Things You Need To Stop Doing…Now!

really you just need to stop….


Just Stop Now…

After being cooped up inside for a few days due to this sucky weather and reading a lot of peoples Facebook posts… I have come up with some things we all(me too)need to stop doing…

1. Stop complaining about our health – If we are alive..its a good day! We need to think positively about our health and just be glad we’re alive! We aren’t 30 anymore and we aren’t going to feel like we are so we just need to stop complaining. Complaining never helps any situation, it just makes it worse!

2. Stop saving something for another day – We need to stop saving that dress for some wonderful occasion that will never happen..and stop saving that piece of china for that perfect dinner with family or friends…do it now! Wear the dress, use the china!

3. Stop thinking you have to be more – Stop thinking you have to be prettier, thinner, funnier… more something. We will most likely never be the way we think we need to be in our minds…and yes of course if you need to lose some weight due to health reasons by all means do it but if you just think you need to be thinner to be a more perfect you..than don’t! No one is perfect and we are never going to be either.

4. Stop missing the moments – Don’t just spend time with family, friends or your grands…be present in the moment. Stop and take time to enjoy the moments you are spending with them. Don’t get wrapped up in what you should be doing or what you are doing tomorrow. Take time to really enjoy the moment! I recently started to do this! I try to sit back and savor one moment every time I am with my grand kids now. They grow up so fast and the time you have with them is so precious. Take some time to really savor the moments that count.

5. Stop waiting for the perfect time to do something – This is kind of like “saving something for another day” but it is a little different. Stop waiting to take that trip, go see your family or friend in another state, start a new career or craft…do it now! What do we gain by waiting? What if we never get to do it? Just do it now! What do you have to lose?

“It is not too uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

6. Stop worrying – There is no reason for it. I do it, we all do it! I try not to, but sometimes it still happens. The reason I say there is no reason to worry is this…whatever is going to happen…is going to happen. If you can change it before it does…than do that. But if you can’t..all the worrying in the world won’t help the situation and will just make you feel worse! “Don’t worry, be happy!” Thanks Bobby McFerrin…now that will be stuck in my head all day!

7. Stop comparing ourselves to others – I think most of us have always done this. I know I have even as far back as elementary school. Why was my hair curly? Why couldn’t I have clothes like that girl? But today we have social media. Thank goodness we didn’t have it when I was growing up because I think it makes everything worse. Why does she always get to travel? Why is she so thin? Why is he getting another new car and I’m driving this beat up old thing? I am really not like this in real life. I don’t care what others have and am truly happy for people when they get something or go somewhere. But seeing it there every day right in front of your face can be a little daunting..and maybe just maybe make you a little jealous. But we just need to realize our own worth and stop the comparing!

8. Stop playing it safe – If this time in our life isn’t the time to do something then when is? Be daring, take a chance, stop playing it safe! Where has playing it safe gotten us? If you’re not happy with where or who you are right now… try something different, new, exciting. At this point, what do you have to lose? (FYI, I’m not talking about your retirement money or savings..)

9. Stop letting your past define who you are today – Yes our past has made us who we are in so many ways…but it does not have to continue to do so. We can start today and create who we want to be going forward. It doesn’t have to be a huge change…something like moving to a new state. Just do one small thing, one small change. Something you never did before but always wanted to do. Maybe take a class, learn a new language for that trip you are going to take. Just one small change in your everyday life can make such a difference in how you feel.

10. Stop eating potato chips and ice cream – just kidding…there is no way I’m going to stop doing this. I have cut back and don’t have either of them every day. I also get out and walk and do exercises. But if I don’t feel like doing the exercises or walk…I don’t. And if I want some ice cream, I have it. Life is short… eat the ice cream!

This is my list of 10 things I think we should stop doing. What do you think? Do you have anything to add?

“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” ~ Nelson Mandela


horse on the beach

10 Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 70

and I only have 2 more years to do them….

horse on the beach

Riding a horse on the beach…

Turning 68 this past December gave me cause to stop and think…I only have 2 more years before I turn 70. That just seems incredible to me…wasn’t I just 7? How did this happen so fast, where has the time gone? Mom always said the older you get the faster the time goes…and Mom was right. I have done a lot the past 68 years of my life but there is so much more I want to do, so I decided to write a list. I know I have written bucket lists before and I will again, but right now at this moment in my life these are the 10 things I want to do before I turn the ripe old age of 70. It hurts to even type that!

Here they are….

1. Go horseback riding – I have talked about this and talked about this…but I have never done it. My nieces and my daughter have discussed us doing this together. I don’t care who does it with me…I want to do this before I’m too old to bounce back if I fall off. And doing it on a beach is preferable…

2. Visit all 50 states – I have been to at least 20 I think. I have stopped over in several others during lay overs, but not sure if you can count that or not. Also I have driven through some on the way to other states…can you count them? But I would like to see them all. I could maybe do without North and South Dakota if I have to…just kidding.. Can you say road trip? Or maybe a train across the US…how much fun would that be? Anyone want to go along?

3. Do things I have never done before – Maybe try something new each and every month. I have always tried to learn new things but I seem to have stopped lately. So I am going to try to do this again. Horseback riding can be one of them.. maybe in a state I have never visited before.

4. Write a book – This has been on my bucket list since I was 12 years old but I want to make a deadline for it to happen now. I never did that before. I will write a book before I turn 70!

5. Fulfill a dream – Going to Paris is a dream I have had as long as I had the writing a book thing…maybe I could write a book about my trip to Paris! We need to live our dreams, not just dream them.

“To be 70 years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be 40 years old.” ~ Oliver Wendall Holmes

6. See a band I have always loved and never saw – Well that would be The Beatles, but that isn’t going to happen so I need to see Paul and maybe Ringo..but definitely Paul. I also want to throw in here …to see as many bands and singers as possible since so many of them are passing away each and every day!

7. Dance like no one is watching – And let me just say…I’m pretty sure no one will be… I really want to dance again..I have said this so many times but I really need to do this again before I turn 70. Hopefully sometime this year. There really aren’t that many places to go dancing these days…at least to music I can dance to…or know who is singing the songs that are playing.

8. Read more books – I have tried to read a book a week and have been falling short lately. Last year I think I really did read one a week or almost. It helps me fall asleep and relaxes me before bed time. I have read where it helps boost your brain power, reduces stress and improves your memory. I’m not sure if it does all of that or not but it can’t hurt. Thank goodness I’m reading since I can’t remember anything lately…just think what would happen if I wasn’t… I have always loved reading but I do even more now.

9. Spend more time with family and friends – I really have been doing this but want to do it even more. I have cousins I haven’t seen in ages except at funerals…it would be nice to get together with them and have some fun together. My friends keep me going and are always there to listen when I need them. I don’t honestly know what I would have done without them the past year and a half. I want to make it a thing to get together with a family member or a friend at least once a week. And I want to have gathering of the family I have left before I turn 70.

10. Design my own line of jewelry – I have made jewelry before and I really enjoyed it. I haven’t done it for several years now and I really want to do it again. It relaxes me and makes me feel like I am accomplishing something. I have a few ideas in mind for a cool line of jewelry and want to tie it into something that will honor my son. He was a jeweler at one point in his life. He designed jewelry and repaired jewelry. He loved it! And it was something he spoke about maybe doing again right before he died. So I think he would love it if I did this. In fact I know he would.

Well that’s my “10 things I want to do before I turn 70.” I may not get each and every one of them completely checked off by then but I’m going try my best. What are some things you have always wanted to do but haven’t… maybe giving yourself a deadline would help.

“There is a fountain of youth: It is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.” ~ Sophia Loren



I’m Sorry….

I’m just want to let you know….


I’m very sorry…

I feel the need to say I’m sorry. I think some of my family and friends don’t understand why I am different and why I act the way I do now. I know most of you “get it” and get me and do understand why I’m different, but I know even you must at times wonder if it will ever stop or if I am forever going to be this new person. So I must apologize to those of you who wonder and those of you I’ve hurt.

I’m sorry I’m not the same person I once was. The person you knew before July 20th, 2016. The death of my son has changed me forever. I will never be the same.

I’m sorry you don’t think I’m handling things the way I should…or the way you think I should. I am doing the best I can.

I’m sorry if I sometimes pull away and seem indifferent to you. I’m not feeling that way at all and it’s not you…it’s me. I just get weird at times. I don’t even know why or where these feelings come from..nor can I stop them from happening.

I’m sorry if I yell at you. I have always yelled at those I cared about…I just do it more now. It seems I have no filter these days. I say things that even I don’t know why I’m saying them. I try to stop the words before I say them…but I can’t.

I’m sorry I don’t want to be around drama. I have had enough drama to last me the rest of my life. I want to feel peaceful and be peaceful. If a situation feels like too much for me…I pull away. I retreat. I go inside myself.

“The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.” ~ Brian Tracy

I’m sorry if our relationship isn’t what it was before and that hurts you. Nothing is the same anymore. I am trying to figure out my new normal…whatever that is and whatever my life will be going forward. Some of my relationships are better, some aren’t. Some are over. I understand if you don’t want me in your life. I know I’m not always easy to be around…I don’t like being around myself at times…

I’m sorry if I turn down invitations or don’t try harder to get together with you. I may be having a bad day and don’t want to pull you into my drama. Sometimes I don’t like being around a lot of people and it gives me anxiety. I have never had this before and it is strange for me to feel this way.

I’m sorry if I worry about you. I have always worried about my family and friends, but I do it more now. If I don’t hear from you, I think something terrible has happened. I freak out and call or text you till I know you are ok. I can’t lose anyone else I care about.

I’m sorry if I can’t make believe something doesn’t bother me. Even if I try to cover it up my face will tell the true story. Ask my daughters…I love them both with all my heart and even they get “the face”…

I’m sorry if you’re thinking all of this is just an excuse for the way I act at times. I worry about that and mentioned it recently to a friend and she said, “you true friends get it.” I hope this is true. But I also know all this can change the dynamics of our relationship. So I understand if you don’t want to be around me. I wasn’t the easiest person to be around before…I’m sure I’m no ray of sunshine now.

My point to all of this was to help you better understand why I act the way I do at times. But there is also a good lesson for all of us in this…. the fact is we never know what someone may be going through and what they are truly feeling at any given moment. Unless you walk in their shoes you can never, never fully understand. So think about that the next time a family member or good friend says or does something you don’t believe they should have. Maybe, just maybe there is a good reason behind that behavior. It might not be what you think is a good reason, but it is their reason.

“Remember anyone can love you when the sun is shining. In the storms is where you learn who truly cares for you.” ~ Unknown

hands touching

“Reach Out And Touch Someone…”

“make this world a better place if you can…”

hands touching

Reach out and touch someone…

We’ve all heard this song… Diana Ross, Aretha Franklin and Ashford and Simpson all have had versions of it over the years…However a little know trivia fact is that Ashford and Simpson actually wrote the song. Having said all of that, I think the song is best known for the AT&T commercial of the late 70’s. It was hugely successful and promoted connection with family. I’m guessing they wouldn’t be using this song or the tagline now…but back in the day it worked. And the sentiment of what the song projects, if you read the lyrics, is indeed touching(no pun intended).

“Reach out and touch
Somebody’s hand
Make this world a better place
If you can”

Such simple words…but they have had a very long lasting impact. Most people of a certain age remember it well. I know I do. We had telephones hanging on our walls or sitting on tables then but we reached out and we called our loved ones with them. We weren’t all so busy then and a simple phone call to find out how their day was going was not out of the ordinary. Now we text and talk to people on social media. Have we lost touch with the people we care about? Have we lost touch with the world? Is this in fact all part of a larger problem?

I found out this week how one simple act of reaching out can have a huge impact on another person’s life, thus impacting my own. I hadn’t hear from a friend in about a month. She was always posting positive stories and always had positive things to say when I posted something on Facebook. So when I realized I hadn’t heard anything in awhile I looked up her profile and was surprised to see it had been taken down. I didn’t know what to do…I was afraid something terrible had happened to her. I didn’t have any contact info of hers but my intuition told me I needed to “reach out” to her.

All of the sudden I thought of Linkedin. Maybe she was on there. I checked and she was… I sent her a short message telling her I missed her positivity on FB and also just missed her and hoped she was ok!  That was all, just a short message. I never expected to get the message I got back. She wrote that she was so touched I had reached out and said that no one else had even bothered to check on her. She also said, ” a kind word can change and make a difference in some one’s day and in that one day…it could make a difference in someones life.”

One word, one call, one message…it is such a simple thing. We need to reach out more, we need to not be afraid of rejection. If we see someone looking sad, ask them if they are ok. If we don’t hear from someone in awhile call them, talk to them…check on them… If someone has lost a relative, a parent or child…don’t be afraid to reach out. Don’t be afraid you don’t know what to say or that you will say the wrong thing. Even months and years later, these people who have lost still grieve. One word of kindness can change their life and can in turn change your own.

To say that this experience has changed me would be putting it mildly. It literally made me cry and touched my heart deeply. If you read my last post about my “word” for 2018 being LOVE and how I wanted to do things I loved and show more love to people I cared about. This…this right here is what life is all about. Caring about others enough to check on them. Caring about people we don’t even know that well. “Love” is truly the answer to the problems we have in the world today. I believe this….At the very least it would be a good place to start… What do you think?

“Take a little time out of your busy day
To give encouragement
To someone who’s lost the way
(Just try)
Or would I be talking to a stone
If I asked you
To share a problem that’s not your own
We can change things if we start giving” 

Songwriters: Nickolas Ashford / Valerie Simpson
Reach Out and Touch lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC




LOVE is the answer…

so what is the question….


Love…yes..that is the answer…

I was pondering what my “word” for 2018 would be for a few days…I couldn’t come up with one. I thought of a few but then discarded them like the wrapping paper from my Christmas presents. None of the words I came up with totally expressed exactly what I wanted to feel and project this year. Some felt right at first… but then didn’t after I let them sit for a bit.

Why, you ask is this “word” so important? Well let me explain it to you. I used to do the whole New Year’s resolutions thing and then at the end of January I had not accomplished even a single one and would just forget about them. This whole process made me feel like such a loser. Why couldn’t I keep my resolutions? Other people I knew could, why couldn’t I? I think maybe it was because there was so much pressure to do it that I decided I just couldn’t and stopped…before I failed.

I had heard about selecting a word…a single word that made you feel your word and react to it all year long. My first “word” was JOY! I needed some joy in my life at the time and decided it would be a good word for me. I experienced much joy that year and people in my life embraced it as well and helped me find my JOY… I am still tied to that word as I feel drawn to it somehow. It speaks to me. I think your “word” should do that.

“Words are all we have.” ~ Samuel Beckett

So back to the task at hand…picking one for this year. I knew what I wanted from this year…what I wanted this year to be about. I wrote what I wanted in my journal and here is what I wrote...I want to love what I am spending my time on…I want to love what I do….I want to love life again and feel like I am sending that out to the universe and hopefully get it back..I want to let all the people I love know how much I love them and show them…I want to show the love I had/have for my son and somehow use that love to honor his life. And then almost magically… there it was..It’s funny how for some reason I didn’t see it even though it was right there in front of me….the answer was LOVE.

Wow. It was so easy and I made it so hard. As I sat there pondering my word a blue jay flew onto my porch. He looked around and then he stared right through the window at me…shook his head and flew off. Yes, LOVE.. was truly my word. I believe in signs and that was a sign if I ever saw one.

Now onto what I want to gain from this “love”….I want to believe that all things are possible just like I did when I was a child. I know that sometimes they just aren’t.. but I want to believe they are. I want to love each day and look forward to what the day holds. I want to be open to any and all possibilities. I want to use all the talents and abilities I was born with and not waste them. I do love to write and I am doing that with this blog. I am so proud of the fact that I have continued doing this for almost 3 years now. I also love to make jewelry and have stopped doing that. I made a promise to myself to start making jewelry again this year.

I have tried and tried this past year, to come up with a way that would honor my son, Dave and that it would somehow make a difference in the world. I know that is no small undertaking but I hope to come up with a way to do both this year. It doesn’t need to be a huge earth shattering difference..however that would be great….a small one would do! If anyone has any ideas on how I could accomplish this, please leave your ideas in a comment below.

I am so grateful for finally finding my word for 2018! By the way, grateful was my word for last year. LOVE..isn’t is a beautiful word? Don’t you wish there was more of it in our world today? Maybe this could be a small step for us all to spread more love…I am certainly going to try! Do you pick a “word?” And if you do, what word did you pick?

“Words. So powerful. They can crush a heart, or heal it. They can shame a soul, or liberate it. They can shatter dreams, or energize them. They can obstruct connection, or invite it. They can create defenses, or melt them. We have to use words wisely.” ~ Jeff Brown


Weird Things I Saw At Work….Part 4

presenting the Holiday Edition…


What the….

Sorry I haven’t written anything for a bit because I have been working retail and it was Christmas. But I did see some things that I thought you may enjoy. It’s been one of the weirdest holiday seasons I think I have ever worked…but then I say that every year. I also say I am not going to do this again next year…meaning work retail at Christmas…and then some how I forget how really bad it gets and do it again. We shall see if I do it again next year! But that’s not why you came here….so here for your enjoyment is my holiday edition of “weird things I saw at work”. I have quite a few because the closer it got to Christmas the more I things I saw…It got to the point that my coworkers would come over and say…”here’s one for your blog”….

I don’t even know where to start, but here goes…

1. Bottle of Gatorade in toilet – ok, I know that you need to throw things away when you are shopping…but really?? Did someone actually think they could flush that down the toilet…

2. Woman looking at phone for directions – no this one did not ask me for directions to the bathroom, the mens department, the mall, her car(yes people really ask me where they parked their car) I especially like when I’m standing behind the counter and they ask, “do you work here?” I got to the point I started saying…well that depends on what you want…anyway this woman had a map pulled up of the store and was trying to find her way out….this is not a huge store…does anyone think of just walking around a bit and looking for the door? Evidently not this woman…

3. Person with a picture on their phone – this was the thing this year, everyone had pictures of perfume and were asking me if we had this or that? But this person(man) came up and showed me a picture of the Lancome counter right beside him and asked where this was?  I thought he was joking…mistakingly… as evidently I was mistaken many times the past few weeks….thinking people couldn’t possibly be this stupid…anyway, I turned him around and pointed to the Lancome counter and said ….THERE!

4. Man asking for directions – yes, again…he asked where the bathroom was…I always ask now..womens or mens…since recently someone got angry at me for assuming they were a man when they were a woman… I told the man it was upstairs..he asked where upstairs..I told him in the corner of the mens clothing department…he looked at me and said, “where exactly”…I turned around like I had another customer because I wasn’t going to take his hand and lead him to the bathroom…

5. Coworker ends up in emergency room – my friend and coworker told me Christmas Eve morning when I came in that she had been in the emergency room until 2 am…she was showing a man perfume and bent down to get something and as she was getting up he was spraying the perfume….in the wrong direction and it went into her eye and immediately it swelled up. She is on steroids…

6. Man who needed a certain brand of perfume – now this would be fine and happens all the time..in fact I am glad when men know what brand they are looking for instead of trying to describe the bottle or scent to me….but this guy says…”do you carry perfume from Nordstrom”…again I think he must be putting me on because we are clearly not Nordstrom…I just looked at him and said I think you need to go to Nordstrom for that one. And off he went.

7. Putting a lock on one of our perfume cases – we had an issue with one of our cases losing the lock. They must be kept locked at all times. However this case had been without a lock for over a year. On the few days leading up to Christmas we take all the locks off as it would be crazy trying to get in and out of the cases constantly with locks on them. On the day before Christmas…a guy…huge guy…comes in and proceeds to put a lock on the case that didn’t have one. We could not get past him inside the counter area to wait on customers and he just kept working on it even when one of the associates told him this was not a good time to do this. Finally he finished up and left. I looked around at all the open cases and I mean all the other cases that were hanging open….that is except of course for the newly fixed case…I said and I might add a little too loud….wow, I’m so glad that we finally have a lock on that case!

8. Toddler eating cardboard – my coworker said she was talking to a woman about perfume and the lady had an 18 month old child with her in a stroller…my coworker looked down and the child was eating a huge piece of cardboard. My friend says to the woman, “oh, she shouldn’t be chewing on that it has paint on it”…to which the lady replies, “oh at least it’s keeping her quiet.” and I must say, thank goodness for that cause we have enough screaming kids in the store…

9. Guy looking for a gift for his wife – this sounds quite normal, right? I agree it was until I showed him a perfume and he took the bottle from me and sprayed it in each of his arm pits. I walked away….

10. Long haired guy looking for Rudolph – this guy comes up to my friend and I and shows us a picture on his phone. I’m thinking another perfume…no. It was a red nose…Rudolphs nose….one of those furry red noses, a huge one like people have on the front of their cars only bigger…and asked where he could find this? We both looked a each other and looked away so we wouldn’t crack up like we were ready to do and she says…maybe the Dollar Store…or somewhere, I really don’t know what store she told him cause I couldn’t look at her or stand there any longer. I wonder if he found one..

I have more but this is quite enough for today I think. It is a hard job working retail at Christmas. Most of the people I waited on were nice…they thanked me for my help and wished me a Merry Christmas…many more than in years past. Everyone was doing the “Happy Holidays” thing for a long time but this year it was Merry Christmas again. It did my heart good to hear it. I tried to keep a positive attitude when it got hectic and not let things get to me. That didn’t work every day. But it helped. That and lots of Starbucks coffee…

“Working retail at Christmas is fun….said no one ever…”