thinking about how much I miss you

A Year Without You…

a letter to my son…

thinking about how much I miss you

Sometimes I see you in the clouds…

You ended your life and a part of ours ended as well. Last week we said goodbye to you again on the anniversary of your death. Your sisters, your nephews and your two beautiful children… all gathered together at your favorite beach spot to say our farewells.

Its been a hard year to say the least. First of all I can’t even believe it has been a year. It seems like yesterday you decided you couldn’t deal with all the pain you were feeling and so you ended your life. I knew you were in pain. I knew how much you hurt. I knew you were suffering. I only wish I could have taken away that pain and suffering so you wouldn’t have had to do what you did that hot summer day last year. The day that changed me forever.

As I said, it has been a hard year…a year of firsts without you. Holidays without you, our birthdays, your birthday, birthdays of your two beautiful children. The children who are now a year older and miss their Daddy as much now as they did a year ago. The children you helped raise and mold into what they are today, Children who have respect and are caring about each other and the people who surround them. You did an amazing job as a Father, considering you didn’t have one in your life to help guide you as you grew into an adult. In fact he wasn’t there through most of your life and never really tried to help you or reach out to you.

Your children are the legacy you left here on this earth. Those two beautiful souls are a testament to the man you were and the lessons of life you taught them so well. They are both loving, well mannered, generous and kind. Their sense of humor reminds us of you so many times, especially your son. He looks and acts just like you as a child. You had many jobs over the course of your life but the job of being a Father was the one you loved best and of which you were most proud. And Dave I must say, you did that job well.

“I do not believe the loss of a child is something one ever overcomes. One puts on the faces one needs, but inside, one bleeds and bleeds.” ~ Elizabeth Berg

I love and miss you so much Dave, my son, my little boy. I think a Mother never stops thinking of their child as a child. I am happy I had you in my life for 46 years. The years were not always happy ones and we had our moments but one thing was always, always constant….the knowledge you loved me. I am also happy we had that conversation the night before you died. The one where you told me I was the best Mom you could ever have asked for. That no matter what, you wanted me to know that anything that happened to you was not my fault and not to blame myself for things you created or did. You told me I was both a Mother and Father to you and that you knew how hard that was for me. You said that you appreciated everything I ever did to help you in life. That I was always there for you and that you loved me.

Those things you told me that night are everything a Mother really wants and needs to hear. I am forever grateful for you having that conversation with me and taking away some of the guilt I would feel forever for not doing “enough.” I didn’t know that was the last conversation we would have… until it was.

I took you to the hospital and nursed your wounds more times than I care to remember. If these things would have happened today the doctors would think I was abusing you. You always were falling off your bike or getting hit in the head by a baseball or something and we would have to go to the hospital and make it better. You would even say that… “make it better Mommy.” My only wish is that I could have made this one last pain “better” for you.

And so my son, I just wanted you to know on this anniversary of your death we are thinking of you. As I said several times now, this past year was hard and I’m not sure this year will be any easier. It will be a year without any memories of you. The past year I always thought about what we did last year and the memories of that got me through. From now on there are no days with memories of what we did last year. I think that is the hardest part for me. You will not be “in” this year. We do have tons of memories from years past and we will remember them and carry on your legacy. We will take your kids to places you loved, tell them the many stories of you growing up and keep your memory alive. We will do this until our last breath.

We were so close, Dave.. as close as any Mother and son I’d ever known. I am grateful for that and it gives me comfort. But it also leaves an even bigger hole in my heart…the part where you were is empty now. I know I am lucky to have had you for as long as I did. But I wanted more. I wanted to see you enjoy your children growing into adults. I wanted you to still be here on earth. I wanted to stop your pain one last time…so you wouldn’t have to. I hope your pain is gone and that you know how much I love and miss you. Rest well my son…Rest Well!

my son

Dave and his 2 kids

“I see you in the clouds. I see you in the rainbow after the summer storm. I see you in the butterflies surrounding me on my morning walk. I see you my son, I see you.” ~ me






Some Things I Just Don’t Understand…

I need some answers people…


so many questions…

As I sit here thinking on this Friday night so many thoughts come into my mind. Those of you who know me know I am always thinking of weird things. Some of which are just too weird to even talk about, but here are some things that have been bothering me lately.

1. Why do women take their boyfriends/husbands shopping with them – I saw a couple last week and really the guy looked like someone had killed his puppy. He was moping along behind his wife and it was all I could do to keep myself from asking…”why, just why are you with her if you are so miserable” and then turn around and ask her, “why did you bring him”….

2. Why after millions of years of people making and eating bread is everyone allergic to it now – Bread was the mainstay of every meal back when I was a kid and  even when my own kids were growing up. Back in the dark ages bread was really the only thing people had besides the meat they had killed that day. But for some reason, it bothers people now.

3. Why suddenly are dogs allowed everywhere – Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. Truly I do. But do they need to be in a clothing store? Not everyone loves them and some people are even allergic to them. And a there is a whole lot of people who are trying to pass their chihuahuas off as service dogs. Suddenly everyone has a service dog. I know there are people that need them and I don’t have a problem with that. Its the ones who are abusing the whole service dog thing. Really a chihuahua…

4. Why are there warning labels on everything these days – Yes, I know the coffee is hot, I am not an idiot. Yes, I do know to take the plastic wrapper off the cheese before I eat it. A knife that comes with a protective covering telling you “the blade may be sharp and may cut you.”  When did we all become so stupid or so ready to start a lawsuit at any minute over things such as this that we need these warnings?

5. Why are there so many monopolies again – Did we or did we not back in the day stop these from happening so people would be able to get a fair price for what they were using or buying…. Now we have one cable company…one electric company, one healthcare company and one eye care company(at least in my area) Enough already, this needs to stop. We need to be able to shop for the best price and the best service once again.

“Wondering about all the things that I’ll never understand there are some things that you can’t know unless you’ve been there.” ~ Ani Difranco

6. Why do drug companies have so many ads on tv – Do people really see these and think to themselves…”wow, I need this.” And the people that are on the drugs, do they really need to keep seeing the happy healthy people on TV using the drug and think to themselves… why don’t I feel that way?…what’s wrong with me?..why doesn’t this stupid drug work?

7. Why is every day a “something” day now – We used to have Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and then even Grandparents Day. But now every single day is a “day.” We have National Ice Cream Day(isn’t every day), Best Friends Day, Hug a Cat Day, Ice Tea Day, Waffle Day, Jerky Day, Ball Point Pen Day(yes this is a day) and lets not forget Free Donut Day..of which I still never received mine. Why..why does every day have to be a “day?”

8. Why is White House/Black Market still called that – Clearly they forgot this was their name. They always only had white and black clothing…then a few years back they decided to put one color in every now and then. I was in the store a month or so ago and they had every color under the sun. So they either need to change their name or stop have every color. Who comes up with these ideas?

9. Why does every stupid company on earth have my cell phone number – I am on the “Do Not Call” list. Several times..but I still get the annoying spam calls. I don’t answer if I don’t know the number…why do people answer their phones if they don’t recognize the number? And even if you don’t have caller ID, just don’t answer, if someone wants you bad enough they will call back or leave a message. But back to the original question, why does every company and idiot on the planet have my cell phone number…but I can’t remember it to save my life.

10. Why when you are with people and trying to have a conversation they are on their phone texting and checking emails – Yes, I know some people who do this and yet when I text them they don’t text me back.

I know I have a lot more but will save them for another time. Can you think of one that bugs you?

“Sometimes things happen to us that we just don’t understand. These things sometimes become the doors and windows to our destiny.” ~ Andrea Nugent



I Couldn’t Wait To Shave My Legs….

and now I hate it…


these are not my legs, but they are nicely shaved…

I couldn’t wait to shave my legs when I was a kid. I thought this meant I was a grownup and I so wanted to do it. But then the first time I did it, I almost died from the blood loss..still have the scar. I really never loved doing it after that first time, and now I don’t want to do it at all. While I was shaving my legs in the shower the other day it started me thinking about other things I couldn’t wait to do and now really don’t like doing or don’t even do anymore. Isn’t it weird the things you most wanted in life aren’t really important now or you just do them because you have to.

Here are some things I really couldn’t wait to do when I was a kid….

I couldn’t wait to drive… OMG, I was so anxious to get my permit and drive and now I honestly would like to have a driver. There is so much more traffic on the roads these days and some very angry drivers on them. It makes me not want to drive at all. Actually I do have one, a lot of the time my dear, sweet daughter does the driving. It’s not because she is sweet, it’s because she doesn’t like my driving.

I couldn’t wait to wear a bra… All the popular girls were wearing one and I wasn’t yet. So every night when I went to bed I said a little prayer that I would soon get to wear one as well. And we all know how this one goes. Do they really have to make them so uncomfortable? Why in this day and age hasn’t someone come up with a bra that is so awesome that you don’t even know you are wearing one??? I think bras are manufactured by men who enjoy sitting back and smiling at the pain they cause us on a daily basis.

I couldn’t wait to grow up… I literally said this to my parents almost every day… “I can’t wait until I grow up and can make my own decisions.” I would give anything to have them making decisions for me right about now. Or really anyone.. I am so tired of making decisions…does it ever stop?

I couldn’t wait to get married… Yeah, cause that worked out so well…either one of the two times. Not ever happening again!

“A grownup is a child with layers on.” ~ Woody Harrelson

I couldn’t wait to get a job… I just wanted a job so I could make my own money and  buy whatever I wanted. Again making my own decisions about what I did with the money I made. I really didn’t want the whole “work” thing that went along with it. Now at this point in my life, I would like to find a job doing something I love doing… just for the enjoyment of it. But it would also be great if someone would pay my bills for me, so I didn’t need to use the money I earned for that. This whole “adulting thing” isn’t working so well…

I couldn’t wait to wear nylons and high heels… Again, everyone was wearing them and I couldn’t wait to wear them too! We had those god awful contraptions we had to wear with them to keep them up. Then came panty hose, which weren’t a whole lot better. I really did love high heels and wore the 4 inch high ones every day. Oh the damage we did to our poor little feet. I was so glad when I finally had a job where I didn’t have to wear either of them ever again. Note: The heels really did make us look taller and so the fat didn’t show as much…LOL!

I could’t wait to get my period… Ok, I know this one sounds weird, but again…all my girl friends had their period and so I wanted to have mine too. It is hard to be different and I wanted to know first hand what the fuss was all about. That lasted all of about a minute of actually getting my period. Then it was all about how long do I have to go through this every month…

I couldn’t wait to have my own place… I was so excited when my husband and I got our first apartment and actually be able to do whatever we wanted in it, whenever we wanted.  And then when I got my first house, all on my own. Nothing like it! Home ownership is a wonderful thing. Although, there is a lot you don’t think of when you are thinking how much you want one. Like, paying ALL the bills, things breaking down, things falling apart, appliances not working, roofs that need fixing, water in the basement…and on and on. It would be great to just have a place and have everything taken care of…like when you buy the house it comes with a 100 year warranty and someone who fixes everything that goes wrong. That would actually be awesome and a great idea!!!

I think that’s all the things I couldn’t wait to have. I know I really wanted to have a family of my own. I have that and am so blessed. I would love to have the family I had when I was a kid and wishing I could make my own decisions once again. You really don’t realize what you have till it’s gone. And please someone tell me where is that “never, never land” where Peter Pan lived. The place where you never grow up…

What couldn’t you wait to do when you were a kid? Do you still love it now?

“That’s the trouble with the world, too many people grow up.” ~ Walt Disney



doctors visit

I Hate Going to the Doctor!!!

did I say how much I hate it, but I went and I survived….

doctors visit

I hate stethoscopes too…

Ok, anyone who knows me also knows how much I hate going to the doctor. In fact, I don’t go, never, nada, zip… But with my cataract surgery coming up I had to have an exam and be checked out so I wouldn’t die while they were doing the surgery. I thought about going to one of those walk in clinics but I checked to see what was close by and there was an office right down the street. I called to see if they could do this exam and they said sure but they would need to first add me as a patient. I thought about hanging up and just going to the walk in clinic and then I thought, “you are getting older..ugh.. and maybe just maybe you should have a doctor”.

I know right? I even scared myself with this thought. But I had to have the exam and this place was close by so I scheduled the appointment. After scheduling it I got anxious and scared and considered calling and cancelling the appointment. I mean really anxious. But I went because my daughter assured me I would be fine. But would I?

The reason I hate doctors so much is this…all of my family members that went to the doctor for some little thing all the sudden were diagnosed with some big thing….and then they died. My Dad, My Mom, and my sister… so I am not a big fan of them. In fact I’m not a fan at all. I told the person on the phone, I told the assistant who came in to take my info and vitals and I told the doctor. I was pleasantly surprised when they all understood how I felt and even talked to me about my feelings. They all agreed they would feel the same if this had happened to them.

“Doctors and nurses are people who give you medicine until you die.” ~ Deborah Martin

See I even found this quote above…I don’t know who Deborah is but I think she is my twin. So the visit all in all went pretty well I guess… I have listed just a few things that happened while I was there. and I was there for a long time…an hour and a half to be exact.

  1. First of all they took my weight – I was astounded what I weighed since I never weigh myself and… don’t go to the doctors. I turned around to see if someone had their foot on the scale and asked if I could take all my clothes off and do it again. The assistant just smiled…
  2. Medical History – I have no medical history since I don’t go to the doctors. I had 3 kids, a tubal ligation(look it up) and a partial hysterectomy…all in the 60’s and 70’s…nothing since then and no doctor. I did have one while the kids were little, it was a family practice and he made me come once in awhile too. But when we moved to Maryland I stopped going there.
  3. Blood Pressure – My blood pressure was thru the roof. She knew I was anxious and said we’ll take it again before you leave. I told them I took it in the morning and it was fine. Just believe me…
  4. Having an EKG – I never had an EKG, I knew it had something to do with the heart and honestly this is what scared me the most. I have been having these feelings like my chest was tight and my heart was heavy and so I thought I was having symptoms of a heart attack. I got hooked up to the machine by all the little sticky things and the assistant had to go get something. So I lay there thinking this is it. I am going to be told I need to be on some medication and I have a bad heart. At that exact moment my gum almost went down my throat and I started choking. Thank goodness I got it back up before she came back in and thought I was dying before I even had the EKG. (the EKG was fine)
  5. The Questions- They asked for all the medications I was taking to which I of course said..none! But I explained I do take a lot of vitamins and other stuff. I had to list all the vitamins and how many mgs. of each, which of course I guessed at cause who knows that when you take like 10. And then my apple side vinegar and coconut oil! The best question was when the doctor finally looked at me and said, “exactly when was your last doctor visit?  I honestly didn’t know but guessing when I broke my arm in the 80’s..but that doesn’t even count cause I went to the hospital. So I said I guess the 70’s. Amy(that’s my doctors name, that sounds funny me even saying that) said OMG! She did follow it up with, “well you look good have no problems that I can see or feel so keep doing what you are doing.

Amy did ask that maybe, just maybe if I thought I could manage it, that I could come back for a wellness visit and some blood work…I told her I would think about it. I have given it some thought and I don’t think I will. I am having cataract surgery. That’s more than enough to worry about for a person who hates doctors. I have to have both eyes done and they won’t do them both at the same time. Believe me I asked and even begged… And I’m thinking if doing the one makes a lot of difference I may not even go back for the second one. I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. I have managed for just about 40 some years to take care of myself by doing natural and alternative things for my body. I am very healthy and I don’t get sick.  I think I will just keep doing that. Its worked well for me so far…

A final note, as I left the office I stopped at the desk and knocked on the window…and when she opened it I told all of the girls that I really didn’t want to come there and again reiterated how much I hate doctors and doctors offices but that they made this visit so much easier for me and were all super sweet. They all said thanks and got big smiles on their faces…even the one who was a tad grumpy smiled. So there’s that!

Here’s my question…Do you hate going to the doctor?

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” ~ Erma Bombeck (note: their plants were all flourishing.


path thru the forest

10 Weird Things We Saw While Hiking

two of my grands I and went hiking this week and saw some weird things…

path thru the forest

hiking through the woods is sometimes scary. and weird..

Hiking can be a wonderful peaceful experience…it can also be a little scary or weird…especially when you are telling scary stories as you hike….or seeing weird things. Two of my grands and I went hiking this week. We had a wonderful day climbing the trail to the falls and then back down again…well at least they did. Me, on the other hand… I was huffing and puffing and falling up and down the mountain.

We had fun day, even though I thought I may not make it out alive. We saw a lot of people and some weird things. Here are the 10 weird things we saw while hiking. Note: you may not think all of them are weird….but we did…

1. Girls hiking in bikinis – I’m not sure, maybe someone changed the dress code for hiking, but bikinis are never a good idea on a rocky mountain trail. I mean just bikinis, no tops over them and then they had flip flops on their feet. I had a hard enough time walking over the rocky terrain in my sneakers. And I could picture the girls tumbling down the rocks with their bikinis falling off and cuts and scrapes all over their cute little thin tiny bodies….

2. Guys in biking shorts – ok, I get this one, maybe they biked up to the trail and this is what they had on already but still…I’m not a fan of biking shorts, they are worse than bikinis….and what if they fall? Do guys wear cups under their biking shorts? You know like football players wear? Maybe they should if they are going to hike in them..just saying..

3. Bathing caps – a. I didn’t know anyone still wore bathing caps, let alone hike in one. b. why would you want to wear one to hike, its hot and this would make you even hotter. I hated wearing them to swim in when I was a kid. I had to do a double take to make sure it wasn’t some new kind of hiking head attire….nope it had the little strap hanging on the side. Where does one even find a bathing cap?

4. Dogs – I have a hard enough time hiking up the rocky trails, so I can’t even imagine how poor Fido feels. And then people were taking them up the high dangerous rocks on the falls. First of all there are signs posted everywhere not to climb on the rocks but everyone does anyway. If you want to fall to your bloody death, fine….But don’t make your dog do it with you. Did you even ask him if he wanted to do this?

5. Grandmothers that have a broken toe –  well there was really only one I know of and that would be me. These broken toed grandmothers have no business climbing up rocky mountain trails…also in the same vein, grand daughters who have sprained their wrists have no business trying to help said grandmother when she is falling down the mountain. But thank goodness she did.

“I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

6. People wearing perfume/cologne – just a gentle reminder here that maybe wearing a whole bottle of perfume or cologne to go hiking is not a good idea while out on the trail. Bugs absolutely love this stuff! I must say though..it was super nice passing these great smelling people. And I’m sure they loved the smell of us in return. Sweat smells awesome! Special note here: the people that smelled good were on their way up and us sweaty smelling people were on our way down…

7. Optional hiking attire – while hiking as a kid and almost ever since, most people would wear long pants and shirts and hiking boots or sneakers. Not anymore. Long jeans, which is a good idea to keep ticks off and mosquitos at bay…but long jeans and no shirt is just weird. Shorts and boots up to the knee (this was a man by the way). Sweatshirts and coats…it was 85 degrees and remember we were sweating…but they were better prepared for ticks and bugs than the shirtless guy. And lets not forget bikinis and biking shorts… I can’t, can you?

8. Serial Killers – I always think every guy hiking all by himself that I pass on the trail may be a serial killer. One guy we passed really did look like one….what do they look like you ask…oh yeah..they look like a nice guys and they are very quiet….and seriously don’t people hiking always find the dead person. So there must be some out there….

9. A rock growing out of a tree or a tree growing out of a rock – it had fallen over so it was hard to tell which one it was…but it was very cool…see picture below.

rock tree

rock growing out of a tree or tree growing out of a rock…

10. A towel – The towel was hanging over a tree limb and it said, “that’s just weird.” and it was….

All in all we had a great day on the mountain. The weather was beautiful. I didn’t die or crack my head open. And we had a teachable moment when I fell…I asked the kids what they would have done if I indeed would have cracked my head open. And my grand daughter said she would have taken my phone and called 911. We looked at my phone and I didn’t have any signal at all, so there went that great idea. I said then what would you have done, she said she would have screamed at the top of her lungs until someone came by and helped us. Ok, very good idea…we just have to hope it wouldn’t have been the serial killer.

Do you like to go hiking? What is the weirdest thing you ever saw? Please comment below and tell me what you have seen…

“And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul.” ~ Unknown



family dinner

What Happened to Sunday Dinner?

as you can see there is no one at the table…


family dinner

dinner’s ready but no one is here…

I loved the Sunday dinners of my youth. My grandparents had a big Sunday dinner ever single week. The whole family or whoever could make it that Sunday would be there. My aunts, uncles and cousins, we all were together and it really didn’t matter what food we had it was the fact we were all together.  I don’t remember a single thing we ate but the conversations around that table are forever in my heart. I can still picture Grandma’s kitchen…it was so tiny, yet we all fit in there just fine.

After we ate us kids would be running around the kitchen while the grownups were trying to do the dishes and clean up the mess we all left behind. Then we would all go sit outside on the porch or sometimes at my Dad’s parents house around my Grandma’s kitchen bar. We all loved that bar. Especially when Grandma fed us ice cream with this weird green stuff on it. Our parents weren’t thrilled about us eating it, you could tell by the looks they had on their faces. It wasn’t till I was older and realized she was putting creme de menthe on our ice cream (yeah, alcohol…go Grandma) I fully recognized why they weren’t happy with her. But we all just loved it and Grandma!

We had those dinners until my grandfather passed away then Mom and Dad had them at our house. My Grandmother would be there and whoever else wanted to come. These Sunday family dinners went on for years…and years. We were always “expected” to make the dinners even when I grew up, got married and had a family of my own. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being there with my parents and whoever else showed up that day. It’s just that it was Every. Single. Sunday. Sometimes I secretly wished I didn’t have to go. Sometimes I thought, “wouldn’t it be wonderful to just do something different on Sunday?”

When my father passed away I started having my own Sunday dinners. I had moved away from my hometown at this point and there were a bunch of friends who did as well, so I would invite them along with my 3 kids and their friends to our house every Sunday without fail. Sometimes people would bring food but most of the time I would just cook. We had some good conversations at our dinners, that’s for sure. My kids friends told me they really liked coming to our house for dinner because you just never knew what the topic of conversation was going to be…but it always ended with everyone laughing. And maybe someone crying…

“Growing up, I learned life’s important lessons at the dinner table.” ~ chef John Besh

The kids grew up and had boyfriends and girlfriends and we decided to start going out on Sundays for dinner. Everyone got to pick a restaurant. Each week someone would pick their favorite and it was fun and I didn’t have to cook. But we were all still together, every Sunday…without fail. It didn’t matter what was going on in everyones life we made that dinner. My friends were all jealous, they couldn’t believe we kept the tradition going. “How did I do it?”..”You are so lucky, my kids don’t come around anymore…not even for food.” But mine did.

After my daughter had not one but two kids(after the first one, we continued to go out) her and her husband decided it would be easier to come to their house for our Sunday dinners. We didn’t mind as long as we still had them and were all together. We had dinners on the grill, we had crabs, we had lots of amazing food. And the conversations continued. Until it didn’t.

After that my son and his wife had dinners on Sundays. Sometimes we went out but most of the time we had dinner at their place. They had two kids and they are very funny kids. So the dinners were always entertaining. When my son died last year, the dinners did as well. My oldest and I still go out to dinner most Sundays and sometimes we get together with my nieces, cousins or friends from back home where I grew up. But I miss those Sunday dinners. I miss the ones of my youth, the ones with my parents and the ones I had every single Sunday no matter what.

I think about the days I said to myself…”wouldn’t it just be wonderful to do something different on a Sunday?” I can now but I don’t want to. Be careful what you wish for, because sometimes you get it.

Did you have Sunday dinners with your whole family when you were growing up? Do you still have them?

“…the pleasant hours of our life are all connected by a more or less tangible link with some memory of the table.” ~ Charles Pierre Monselet


wedding rings, no wedding

10 Reasons Why I’m Not Married

first and foremost…no one has asked…but still.

wedding rings, no wedding

no thanks, I have plenty of jewelry..

Ok, before all the married people get offended I want to say this…I know and am personally friends with quite a few couples who have been married forever and are very happy. There are happy marriages. I’ve seen them and they are a wonderful thing. People do have them. I however am not one of those people. I was married once (ok twice to the same person so it really doesn’t count). I’ve been there, done that, have the shredded tee shirt. It is a lovely thing if you can pull it off, but many couples in todays world can’t or don’t even want to try.

Why did our parents and grandparents stay together and couples these days can’t? Was is just because they thought they had to? That society or their church would frown upon them getting divorced? I don’t know but I do know I was the first one in my family to get divorced and I was scared to death to tell my parents.They were very understanding and said if you aren’t happy then by all means you shouldn’t stay in the marriage.

I did have one long term relationship after the marriage and that lasted 10 years. But we didn’t get married. I felt deep inside that I would never get married again and  I needed to be honest and true to myself that I really was happier being single. I think I learned a lesson in my early marriage and it taught me who I was and I never wanted to lose that person again.

“if you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.” ~ Katherine Hepburn

I have talked a little about why I’m not married and never will be again but here are “10 reasons why I am not married.”

1. I really like sleeping by myself – I do, I admit it, I love sleeping by myself. I like having the whole bed to myself and have been doing it for so long now I don’t think I could ever sleep with someone again. Well I mean like really “sleep” with someone. All night.

2. I don’t want to Mother anyone except my kids – I have done this in past relationships, I have become their “mother”.  I have to do their wash, cook them meals and find stuff for them they can’t find like their keys, etc…I have enough trouble finding my own keys…I have kids, I don’t need anymore.

3. I don’t want to feel lonely –  Honestly there were many times I felt lonelier in my marriage and relationships then I do being single. I have friends and family and I am always busy doing something. That wasn’t always the case when I was married,

4. I don’t want to ask permission to do something – I know it is just being polite to ask if they mind if I go somewhere or get together with friends and don’t include them…but I don’t want to have to ask. I just want to do something when I want to do it. I’m a grown up and I should be able to do what I want when I want. And OMG, even if they say they don’t mind but you know they do because they get all whiny and depressed and say…”oh, you are still going to dinner with her tonight?” Um, yes, yes I am…

5. I don’t need someone to “complete” me – Hey I liked “Jerry Maguire” as well as the next person, in fact I loved that movie….but I don’t need anyone to complete me I don’t need to have someone to feel whole. I am pretty damn whole all by myself,

6. I don’t want to lose my friends – Honestly I have more friends now that I am not married than when I was. Maybe the fact that my ex was a sh*t had something to do with it, But I think when you are married you tend to spend time with the person you are married to and some times friendships get cast aside. You don’t mean to but it happens. I love my friends and want to keep them. All of them.

7. I don’t need to be married to have sex – It would be nice if I was indeed having said sex but my point being you don’t need to be married to do it. In fact sometimes the sex gets old and you just do it to do it and get it out of the way because you have done it for months. And you wind up feeling worse than before you did it. So I would rather not. And by the way, you don’t even need a man to have sex….

8. I don’t want to “obey” someone – Really why is that word even still in the marriage vows in this day and age? I tried doing it and I really did “obey” my husband for a while and then I didn’t. When i stopped obeying him is when we started having problems.

9. I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore – Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s we were all led astray by the books we read and movies we saw. You know the ones where  Prince Charming came riding up on his white horse, whisked us away and we “lived happily ever after.” Yeah, like that happens. And actually do we even want that to happen? Well ok, maybe for a day..or night…

10. And I really don’t like the whole “in sickness and in health” thing – Yeah, that whole thing doesn’t work for me. If a man gets sick with a cold, he is dying. I had 3 children naturally so believe me when I say I can’t stand a wimpy, whiny man with a cold. Get over it. I am not here on this earth to be a nurse to you. If I wanted to be a nurse I would have gotten a degree in nursing and been paid for it.

This concludes my list of reasons why I’m not married. I do have more but will save them for another day. I end as usual with a question and a quote. If you are not married and chose not to be, what are some of your reasons?

“There are some who want to get married and others who don’t. I have never had an impulse to go to the altar. I’m a difficult person to lead.” ~ Greta Garbo



free lunch

There’s No Such Thing As A Free Lunch…

or a free donut…apparently!

free lunch

is there such a thing…

I was awakened by a text at 6am yesterday saying the power was out. I rushed, (well maybe I didn’t “rush”, it was 6am after all)outside to talk to the neighbors to see what was going on…and sure enough the power was out in the entire neighborhood. While I was relieved that it wasn’t just my house and I hadn’t inadvertently forgotten to pay the bill…it got my day off to a rather bad start as you might imagine and then to add insult to injury… something else popped in my head… I wouldn’t be able to make coffee!! I waited and watched for the non existent power and of course turned lights on and off in rooms when I knew full well there was no electric. I stood in the kitchen looking down at my Kuerig for help but it didn’t…or couldn’t. No Coffee! No! This can’t be happening…

I waited not so patiently for an hour and that was it. I couldn’t wait any longer so I jumped in the car to make a run for coffee. I offered to get some for all the neighbors as well but they declined. I raced to McD’s and couldn’t believe all the cars in line, they were wrapped around the building 5 times…ok, maybe 2. And then all of a sudden I thought oh my gosh it’s “free donut day”…why not go to DD… Perfect! This made everything ok, I would be rewarded for having to go through all of this with a “free donut,” The line there was not quite so long and I decided to get an egg sandwich along with my coffee and added a glazed donut as my freebie. I had a gift card from a friend and it paid for the whole thing. Score!

The smell of the coffee wafted through the air the whole way back to the house and I could barely contain myself from drinking it before I got home to add my own creamer and sweetener. I got my coffee ready and pulled out my egg and cheese sandwich, looked under the napkins and what did I see….well I’ll tell you what I didn’t see…a donut. No free donut, it was very clearly listed on my receipt. Glazed donut – Free Donut – D Day(whatever that meant, I guess donut day) But I didn’t have a donut. I didn’t have a free donut or a paid for donut. I had no donut at all. And now all I really wanted besides my beautiful cup of coffee was a damn donut.

“Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?” ~ Matt Groening

I pulled all the napkins out and dumped the bag on the table thinking some how the missing donut would magically appear. But no! There was no donut. And I didn’t feel like running back down there with tears streaming down my face to tell them I didn’t get my “free donut”. And then there is this…would they in fact even believe me? I could see their faces when I told them the news…”oh sure lady we’ll give you another “free” donut, so sorry”…all of them laughing hysterically because the crazy lady with wild hair ate her donut quickly in the car and came back for another….

So I drank my coffee, which was wonderful by the way and ate my egg and cheese sandwich, which was ok…and all the while longed for my donut. Did you ever not even think you wanted something until you couldn’t have it and then it was the most desired thing in the world and you just had to have it no matter what. You wanted that  “thing” whatever it was, more than anything. Yes, it was just a donut, but it was so much more. It was what that donut represented. I have had so much loss and so much taken away from me that this just was the icing on the cake…or donut. You can’t not give me my free donut…damn it!

I did try justifying the whole thing by telling myself…this is the universe telling you that you didn’t need a donut. Yeah, whatever universe…shut it!! So I sat down and wrote an email to DD and told them what had happened on “free donut day” as tears streamed down my cheeks.  I will wait to see what they write back, if indeed they do. Because of course “I’m the crazy lady that ate her free donut in the car and decided to try and get another one for free by lying about the whole incident”.  I will let you know what happens.

Just remember, nothing is free….everything comes with a cost.

donuts are not free

all I ever wanted…and btw, she needs a manicurist..

Did you ever not even think you wanted something until you couldn’t have it? The day started out being about my beloved coffee and not be able to have it and quickly ended up about some sugar-laden piece of dough that I was denied and wanted so so much. How did this all even happen?


“The best things in life are free, the second best things are very, very expensive.” ~ Coco Chanel


kids having fun

The Carefree Summers Of Our Youth

you only get so many so enjoy them while you can…

kids having fun

Having fun at the beach…

Back when I was a kid the summers seemed endless. The longer days, the warm sunshine and time spent outside doing whatever it was we did back then. For some reason I was thinking about this last week when we had some rather warm and humid days. I thought about being that young again and what it was like to not have a care in the world.

When we are young we don’t fully realize we only get so many of those endless carefree summers. At the most we get 18 of them unless we start working over the summer while still in school. And then of course when we retire we have the free time once more, but do we ever truly have that carefree feeling of our youth again?

My parents took care of everything back then, the bills, the things that broke down, like cars and appliances, everything. I didn’t have a care in the world except if that cute boy was going to say hi again when I rode my bike down to the ice cream place. Speaking of which,  ice cream was even better back then. Everything was better.

“Summertime is always the best of what might be.” ~ Charles Bowden

I remember I couldn’t wait for school to be over…listening for the final bell on that warm June day. My friends and I would race home to change into our swimsuits and jump in the backyard pool. The smell of honeysuckle and Mom’s baby oil laced with a little iodine lingering in the air. We all jumped in that tiny pool and it didn’t matter in the least how small it was, we had fun. We played games and then counted as we each took turns seeing how long we could stay under the water before bursting back up taking a few breaths and doing it all over again. We did this for hours until we were starving. Then we would finally get out of the pool, wrap our towels around us and line up to drink from the hose as Mom made us hot dogs on the charcoal grill.

All of the moms would all go inside to chat and we were left to our own devises, which back then consisted of playing hide and seek in the corn field and riding our bikes as fast as earthly possible up and down the nearly carless street. We would stay out there until the sun went down and the street lights came on. That was the sign we were to come inside for the night, No one had to scream and yell for us. We just came in when the street lights came on.

The neighbors all knew each other and they knew our names and where we lived. So if someone did something wrong or misbehaved in any way our mothers found out about it pretty quickly. And even if the neighbor took care of punishing us in some fashion first, we sure heard about when we got in the house later that night. Everyone watched out for each other. We all played together, all ages, boys and girls. There was never even a thought if the new kid was accepted into the group. I can’t remember a time that a parent had to tell us to stop fighting or to stop picking on someone. And there wasn’t a bully to be found.

“We thread our way through a moving forest of ice cream cones and crimson thighs.” ~ Jean-Dominique Bauby, “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”

Getting dark and going in the house didn’t mean the fun stopped. I remember the  summer nights my next door neighbor and I would throw our walkie talkies over to each other through the windows of our upstairs bedrooms and we would chat for what seemed like hours until our parents would yell upstairs for us to stop and get to bed. The walkie talkies weren’t real, they were actually aluminum cans with string attached. But they worked and we had a blast…talking and laughing ourselves silly many of those hot summer nights.

One thing we weren’t back then was bored and we never ever asked our parents that question…you know the one…the dreaded “what can we do now” question…for if we even would think to do that, which we never would but if we did… they would have found some ungodly work for us to do…like paint the fence or mow the grass. So we just made our own fun and used our imagination to get through the long months of summer.

Thinking back, I remember in particular one summer day laying on the grassy hill in my back yard and wishing that summer could last forever. I wished I didn’t have to go back to school and I didn’t have to grow up and work and do all the things I saw my parents doing every day. Why couldn’t things just stay the same? Why couldn’t I stay this age and enjoy life? Why did I have to grow up and be like my parents who worried about everything? My Mom and Dad seemed happy enough I guess, but I always wondered if they secretly wished they could have been like us kids… enjoying the summer and carefree.

Do you miss those endless carefree days of the summers of our youth?

“How ungenerously in later life we disclaim the virtuous moods of our youth, living in retrospect long, summer days of unreflecting dissipation.” ~ Evelyn Waugh



15 Words That Sound Dirty But Aren’t

and really, who decided to call it that….


now that’s funny…

I needed to change things up a little this week with some humor. I have been somewhat sad lately and writing sad posts… so I thought I would write a post that would make me laugh and hopefully you too! I have been thinking about this for some time now…how common ordinary words sometimes just sound dirty. I know I have a weird way of looking at things, ok…and maybe its just me, but I hope I’m not the only one who thinks this way. Here is my list of words that sound dirty to me…but really aren’t…

1. DICK’S (Sporting Goods) – It’s even capitalized. So someone somewhere thought this would be a good name for a sporting goods store. I don’t care if the guy who owns it was named Dick or not….not a good name for a store. I can’t even…and if I even wanted to, who can say this without laughing….”hey, wanna go to DICK’S”…

2. Cockpit – What, all pilots were men back then and so they named it this? Really?

3. Ding Dongs – Someone just decided to make a tasty treat of “chocolate with a creamy filling” (yes, that is what it says in the ad) and then someone else said, let’s name them Ding Dongs. Maybe they even hired an ad firm to consult on this name and paid them big bucks.

4. Cocktail – Every time I see this on the menu it makes me laugh. Maybe I am still 10.

5. Strip Mall – Why? I know the stores are all lined up in a strip, but really?

6. Corkscrew – This is just wrong…and I use one all the time to open my wine. But every time I do I laugh. And I use one quite frequently.

7. Fracking – I know it is a hotly debated issue…but that name…it just sounds dirty.

8. Tight End and Wide Receiver – I put these two together since they were both football terms. And of course most football players are men..so they most likely came up with these terms. I have however seen a few cute “tight ends” when watching the games on tv.

9. Dickies – Not sure if the younger generation knows what these are but we older women wore them under sweaters..they were a fake turtleneck kinda thing, so we didn’t have to wear a real turtleneck. Do you understand this…cause I didn’t and I don’t think I wore them cause I never liked turtlenecks. Also there is a line of mens work clothing called this…Of course there is…

10. Uranus – No explanation needed…

11. Clematis – It’s a very pretty climbing vine…but it sounds like an STD. Did you ever have clematis?

12. Angina – I know this is not a funny term for those who have it or experienced it but really they couldn’t have called it something else.

13. Rear Entry – As in when you get there, try the rear entry. Or the car has a rear entry door… but seriously…

14. Jiffy Lube – It’s great if you are in a hurry… And..NO Appointment Needed…

and last but certainly not least…

15. Volvo – Those Swedes!

“There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.” ~ Lenny Bruce

Are there any I left out? Can you come up with a few more…post them below in the comments.