Category Archives: Aging

17Jan/19

What I Want This Year…

my word for this year is Serenity…

Calm, quiet and serene…

My word for 2019 is “serenity”… to me it means calm, quiet and peaceful, and when I googled it…it said, “noun..the state of being calm, peaceful, and serene.” I need to feel this. I need to feel peaceful.  I have been feeling anxious quite a bit lately and that is so not like me. I usually do not dwell on things or let the small things bother me. My motto has always been to not worry about things that “could” happen. But now I seem to worry about everything and anything.

I over think and dwell on the “what ifs.” I have never been that person before so I don’t know how to deal with this. I was always the person who told others when they would be worried about something…”when you are 90 and sitting in your rocker on the porch, will this even matter”.. I think that is a good barometer for testing whether it is truly something you should worry about or leave it go. But evidently I don’t listen to myself anymore. At least not the self that gives me good advice.

Worrying has never solved one single problem. I know that to be a fact, my brain knows it, my heart knows it…so why can’t I stop? I’ve thought about this for quite a while and told myself, this isn’t you, why are you doing this? What changed to make you be like this? The simple answer and the only one I can come up with…my son died. If that can happen…anything can happen.

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm.” ~ Unknown

I’m not sure if my son’s untimely death is totally to blame, but it surely plays a part in my new way of looking at life. I never expected to lose a child, much less to suicide, so if this can happen…anything can happen. Bad things “can” happen. Any time, to anyone!

That makes me anxious! That makes me worry. I worry about my daughters, I worry about my grandchildren, I worry about my friends. If I text someone and they dont text back, I immediately think something bad has happened to them….they must be lying in a ditch by the side of the road somewhere. I know this is crazy and I know my family and friends think I’m crazy but I cant help it. I care…I worry!

My house is a constant source of worry also. Having been built in 1892 there is always something going wrong, something to worry about. My son could fix everything and did. Now I have to find someone to fix things. I have over time found people and there have been many good friends that have helped with this. But it is still a constant source of worry. And one I need to figure out.  It’s easy to find people to fix “things”…I wish I could find someone to fix me!

”Serenity is knowing that your worst shot is still pretty good.” ~ Johnny Miller

So dear family and friends, if I annoy you with my questions and worry please forgive me. I care about you. I don’t want to lose you. My hope is that 2019 will bring me what I need. I walk everyday and have started walking further and faster. It brings me a sense of peace and clears my mind. Maybe I should be like Forrest Gump and just keep walking…walking until I finally find peace of mind!

And now you know the reasons behind my word of the year. I need to feel calm. I need to feel peace. I need to feel serene…

”Don’t underestimate the power of humor and the ability to laugh at yourself to deliver peace and serenity.” ~ Charles F Glassman