for the first time ever…

alone..

It’s definitely been a rough couple of years since losing my son. I knew I couldn’t continue to live in the house where he died but what was next, where would I go? I needed a fresh start.. I needed something new and different. My youngest daughter convinced me to move to Vermont and live with her and my 3 grandsons. And so I did.

I loved being there, loved Vermont and spending time with family. But I also longed to be back in Maryland with my oldest daughter, friends and my son’s 2 children. Maryland was also closer to my remaining family in Pennsylvania. So I moved back to Maryland. I lived with a good friend for about a year, trying to decide where to go next. Her house sold and I needed to make a decision. I’d been looking for awhile and tossing around the idea of moving back home to Pennsylvania, the place where I grew up and raised my kids. A good friend in York, PA reached out when they learned I was thinking about it and said I could move in with them until I found something. And so I moved back home during the pandemic.

I had trouble finding a place to live, everything was gone by the time I even went to see it.  A few things fell through and the next thing I knew a year had passed and I was still staying at my friend’s house. I was really starting to get depressed and wondering if I was truly meant to be back in PA. And then one day out of the blue another friend who owns some properties reached out and said one of them just became available and would I be interested in seeing it. Of course I said yes! And when I saw it, I fell in love with it and  knew this was where I was supposed to be.

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light” – Aristotle

I moved in the following month and have been here for 5 months now. I couldn’t be happier. My little place, my home. All mine. Just me. And then a few weeks after I moved in and finally got settled, I was thinking how strange it felt to be here day in, day out with no one else here. It was then I realized I had never done this before. Living alone. I’m 72 and have never in my life lived alone until now. I always, even after my kids were grown, had at least one or all 3 of my kids living with me. One would move out and another would move back in. Two moved out and one was still there. I loved having one or more of them there with me. Even more so when they were adults and I didn’t have to take care of them. We took care of each other. Do I miss them? While I love my place and the serenity of being alone, and doing what I want, when I want.  The answer is, yes I definitely miss them sometimes.

I am so happy I have gotten to reconnect with a lot of family that I hadn’t seen in years. My only surviving aunt and lots of cousins and friends from school. Being back home has given me this wonderful opportunity, but the disadvantage to that has made me miss my mother and sister even more(if that could even happen). They both passed in 2014. Living in Maryland always made me feel like they were still here in PA. I drive by Mom’s house and I want to go in and see her. I remember her telling me how hard it was living alone after my Dad passed. I didn’t get it, now I do! Living alone is definitely different, especially if you’ve never done it before. But I’m doing it!

Note: I haven’t written in almost 2 years. I just didn’t feel like it due to all the unstableness in my life. But now seems like a good time to start again with being in a quiet house and having time on my hands. I’ll be writing about a lot of things that have crossed my mind these past few years. Hope you enjoy reading my posts again!

“The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.” – Walt Disney