Monthly Archives: September 2016

30Sep/16
Keep your mouth shut

Ten Questions You Should Never Ask

I may or may not have asked a few…

just don't open your mouth

just keep your mouth shut

We have all had those times when you ask a question and the moment it is out of your mouth you realize you shouldn’t have asked it. I had lunch with a friend the other day and we were discussing this very thing. How we both have asked someone if they were pregnant and of course they weren’t and how embarrassing it was for both the asker and the askee(don’t think these are actual words but you get the point) It really makes both parties involved feel terrible. So after my one and only disaster I decided to refrain from ever asking this question again until the person involved told me she was indeed pregnant.

This got me to thinking about other questions you should just not ask. Below is my list of ten that I may or may not have asked or been asked.

  1. The first and obvious one is, “Are you pregnant?” You just should never utter these words if you don’t know the person. If you do know them don’t ask this until you hear the words “I’m pregnant” come out of their own mouth. Just take my word for it. My friend told me her story of how a woman came in to her workplace all the time and she was super skinny, ran all the time and was in great shape. So she came in one day with her child in a stroller and had a very distinct baby bump. It was right there, not a speck of fat on her body. So my friend knew she was pregnant. She says, “oh you are pregnant.” The woman gave her a very sad look and said, “no I don’t know what is the matter I just can’t lose this bump.” Of course my friend felt terrible and I’m sure the woman did as well. You can’t base your asking of this question on looks because this incident proves that. Just don’t ask..
  2. Is that your Grandmother? Being in retail, customers are always coming up to buy jewelry or perfume from me and have a person with them, Sometimes that person is much older than the customer. Don’t ever ask if the young man you are talking to if this lovely person with him is his grandmother? You will get a blank stare and be told that no, indeed this isn’t my Grandmother, it is my wife. Note: I also lost the sale.
  3. Is this your son? Just like “the is this your grandmother question”, do not ask is this your Mother, Father, Grandparent, etc… This actually happened to me. I was once in a very long term live in relationship with a younger man…much younger. 11 years younger to be exact. We were going to a wedding of a mutual friend and he needed a new suit. We went to a high end department store and he went about trying on various suits coming out to show me and let me help him choose. This went on for awhile and the clerk who was helping us finally looked at me and said, ” is that your son, he looks great in all of them.” To which I replied, “no, he is my boyfriend, and yes he does.” She looked a bit embarrassed and walked away. Just don’t ask.
  4. Why aren’t you married? I get this one a lot. I’ve been there, done that and have 2 tee shirts. I don’t feel the need to do it again. It is a nosey, rude question and one that doesn’t even deserve a reply. Personally, I would never ask someone this question, but you wouldn’t believe the amount of times I get it. Most times I try to ignore it and move on, but if they push, I usually give my stock answer which is, “why do you feel the need to know this?” That line and my look most times stops them…just throw it back at them.
  5. Why don’t you have kids? This is another one of those questions that is very personal and I think people shouldn’t ask. They don’t ask me this question of course but I know several people who have chosen not to have children or couldn’t have children that get asked this question all the time. This just goes without saying, you should just not ask someone this question. End of discussion.
  6. Do you want to date my ex? Ok, this one was very weird. I had a good friend and helped her through a terrible divorce. Her husband was a jerk and not at all good looking. A year or so after the divorce out of no where she asked me, “you want to date my ex don’t you?” I said no and thought that would be it. but she kept asking me this question every time we were together. I felt if I told her how much he repulsed me it would be a slam to her so I just kept my mouth shut and hoped she would stop asking. But she didn’t. So one night as we were watching a movie together, a chic flick romance, she asked me again. I screamed at her, “no, I don’t want to date your idiotic, stupid jerk of an ex who looks like he is wearing a sweater when he really isn’t and loves to wear tank tops to show off his hairy skinny stupid looking body, are you happy now.” She never asked me that question again. Of course we are no longer friends.
  7. How much did that purse cost? I get asked how much that top, that purse, those shoes cost all the time. Now I love a bargain as much if not more than the next person but you just don’t ask that question. I tell my friends when I find a great bargain and how much I paid, They don’t even need to ask, I want to spread the joy with them. It is usually strangers or acquaintances that ask this and it really ticks me off. And the few times I did stupidly share the price and place I purchased an item with them they must have immediately gone there because the next time I saw them they had on the exact same thing. Not cool.
  8. How much money do you make? When I worked at various jobs over the years I would have people ask this question a lot. I don’t even know how much my own daughter makes. You just don’t ask this question.
  9. Asking a very personal question when someone close to you dies. I had people I hardly even know ask me how my sister and my son died. If I wanted you to know, you would know. Just maybe if the question is of a very personal nature and you think it may hurt the person you are asking, think about before you ask. And maybe just don’t ask.
  10. And finally this one…don’t ever ask a guy you are dating that is much younger than you after you pass a milestone birthday this question. “How does it feel to be dating a 40 year old?” It must not have felt too terrific as he decided it was over shortly after this.

So my point in this whole thing is this…do not ask something of someone you would not want someone to ask you. Don’t be hurtful and regret what you say to others. Words hurt. Think before you speak and most of all.. be kind!

Did you ever ask a person something you regretted asking? Did someone ever ask you a question that you wished they wouldn’t have?

“Animals are such agreeable friends – they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms.” ~ George Elliot (maybe we should all try to be more like animals)

 

22Sep/16

Mom Never Told Me…

but I really wish she would have

maybe she just couldn't

maybe she just couldn’t

I don’t know if was all moms back in that day or just mine, but my mom couldn’t talk about things that really mattered. I don’t know if she couldn’t or if she just wouldn’t, all I know is that she never told me these things. I wish she would have.

  1. Mom never told me life was so hard. It all seemed so easy for her and very rarely did I see her struggle or have bad days. She was always “up” and seemed genuinely happy. The only time in her life when I really noticed her getting depressed or having any kind of a bad day was after the death of my father. I know she had to have bad day and some terrible times in her life. I just never saw them or heard her talk about them.
  2. Mom never told me how difficult it was for her when I left my hometown of York, PA and moved to Maryland. Even though it wasn’t that far, I knew to her it was. We lived very close to each other and were together all the time. This move would change that. But she never spoke to me about it. Only when my own daughter moved to Vermont did I know how my mother must have felt when I left.
  3. Mom never told me she read my diary. I know now she did. How else did she know everything? How did she know I was going to do something before I even did it?
  4. Mom never told me about sex, or the consequences of having sex. Oh, yes, we had “The Talk”, but all she did was ask me if I knew how men and women had sex. And then made me explain it. Out loud. When all I wanted to do was ask her, “why do you need me to explain it, don’t you know?” But I knew what would happen if I said that, so I told her how people had sex. It was once of the most embarrassing moments of my life and it didn’t really accomplish anything in my opinion. Maybe if we would have really talked about how I should wait until I was in love and also a real man/boy that cared about you would wait until you were ready. Maybe if she would have talked about this in some depth, I would have waited and not wound up pregnant at 15.
  5. Mom never really told me how she felt when she found out I was pregnant. We didn’t talk about it at all. I was told I would get married to the young man and that was that. I would have liked to talk about it. I had so many feelings that I needed to share with her and felt like I couldn’t, since the subject was pretty much ignored. So I talked to my friends who were also 15 and they couldn’t connect with me on any level about this, so basically I dealt with it myself.
  6. Mom never told me how she felt when I told her we were getting a divorce. She just said she was sorry we couldn’t work it out and stay together. No motherly advice, no telling me about similar instances between her and Dad, or how to get through the difficult times I knew she had to experience. She just was sorry.
  7. Mom never told me about how she met my father or her wedding. I always wondered how they met, if they met in school or afterward. He went in the service right after graduation so I wasn’t sure when this had happened. I wanted to ask but thought if she wanted to tell me she would have. And maybe I wouldn’t have the questions I do now about the wedding and why it was so secretive.
  8. Mom never told me her hopes and dreams, what made her happy and what she would have done had she not married at 18. I knew she loved to paint portraits and that she worked for a while in my uncles gallery. I did ask her once if she wanted to ever paint again and she said no.
  9. Mom never told me about how it felt to grow older. She didn’t tell me how it felt to lose her beauty and how it made her feel. She was a beautiful woman and men always commented on how pretty she was. I wonder how she felt growing older and seeing the aging face looking back at her in the mirror. I would have liked to talk to her about this. It would help me with my own feelings on aging.
  10. Mom never told me how it felt to lose her first born child. She had a baby before I was born and it was stillborn. I know it had to hurt her deeply. She was only 19 so I’m sure it was a very emotional thing to go through. I am also sure it was one of the hardest things in her life and stayed with her always. You carry a child for nine months inside of you. You get to know that child and love it. How does a 19 year old girl deal with that loss? Since no one talked about such things, she had to go through it alone. If she had talked to me about it later in life when I had my own children, it could have maybe helped me to deal with the death of my own child and could have maybe helped her too.

We never talked about feelings or any thing that really mattered back when I was growing up. My grandmother did. She shared many stories of losing a couple of her children and the loss of my grandfather. I tried many times later in my life to get Mom to open up and talk about something, something she cared about. Even when Dad passed, she didn’t talk about her true feelings. Not with me at least. I’m not sure she did with anyone. All of my attempts to get her to share something… something that mattered to her was met with a cold stare and a change of subject. I remember one time in particular after Dad had passed, we were at lunch in the mall and I simply asked what do you want to do with your life now. she looked at me like I had two heads and said, “this sandwich is really good.”

I wish Mom and I could have shared more and talked about things. I talk to my kids about feelings and our hopes and dreams. Sometimes we talk too much.(can you really) But we share our feelings, we get them out and that is healthy. One thing I know for sure, being a “Mom” isn’t easy..it’s hard. I get that now!

I leave you as always with a question and a quote. Did your parents talk to you? I mean really talk to you.

“A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take.” ~ Cardinal Mermillod

 

 

15Sep/16

Ten Good Things!

and believe me coming up with 10 right now wasn’t easy…

ahh, the ocean

ahh, the ocean

I posted a picture yesterday on Facebook and it asked the question, “what is one good thing in your life today?” I did a lot of thinking about that one since finding good things are hard for me right now. So, I posted that it was a beautiful day and I was alive. Those of you who know me also know I try to find good every day. It is so hard to do that right now and I went to bed last night trying to think of other good things I have in my life. i did come up with a few.

Here are the ten good things in my life:

  1. First and foremost is my family – I don’t honestly know what I would do without them or where I would be or if I would be here at all. They are my lifeline and I love them all so much. I am truly blessed with this wonderful group of crazy people I call my family. My daughters, I can’t even begin to tell you how much they mean to me and what their love and support has meant when I know how much they themselves are hurting. My grandchildren, they give me a reason to go on every time I even just think of them. My nieces, they have been so loving and supportive and always ready to listen or help whenever I need them. And the rest of my family, I love them all so much.
  2. My friends – I really have a hard time putting into words how much my friends mean to me. I have always had great friends and I appreciated them. I knew those kinds of friendships don’t just happen and that I was lucky and so I always tried to be kind and be there for my friends. But it wasn’t until the recent loss of my son that I truly learned the value of real friendship and just how much of a difference it can make in your life. True friends don’t need to be asked, they are just there, to support, to help, to talk, to just listen.
  3. My health – I am so very grateful for the good health I experience. I know so many others who aren’t as blessed and I wake up every morning and give thanks.
  4. My writing – I can’t begin to tell you how much writing means to me. I honestly don’t know where I would be if I couldn’t write about my feelings and get them out. I love writing and love how all of you have embraced my doing it! Thank you to everyone of you who read my blog and those who share it and take the time to comment. It means the world to me.
  5. Trips to the beach – I just had a quick 2 day trip to the beach this past weekend. Every time I go it brings me so much JOY! I love just sitting in my chair and watching the ocean. Also the smell of the beach and sea air somehow calms me and gets me ready to face whatever lies ahead… or deal with whatever has already happened.
  6. Reading – I have always loved reading. But lately I have been reading nonstop. One book after another. It gets me out of my head. I don’t think about anything else but the book I am reading at the moment. This can sometimes be a bad thing since I can’t stop and wind up reading into the wee hours of the morning. But I love it. I will at some point do a post on some of the really good ones I have read this summer.
  7. Doing things with my grandkids – even if 3 of them are living in another state, far, far away I get to see them quite a bit and love doing things with them and all 5 of my grands. We go on hikes or to interesting places(sometimes, they don’t think they are as interesting as I do). Taking them to the kids movies that are out is so much fun for me. I guess it would kinda of be weird going to see those movies alone so I have a good excuse to see them. And the 3 that live in another state, well we FaceTime when they aren’t here visiting. It is almost as good as having them here with me…almost.
  8. Going places with my daughter. We have a lot of the same likes, we also have a lot of differences…LOL, but we enjoy going on road trips, concerts dining out and shopping. I enjoy spending time with her and finding fun things to do. I love when my daughter that lives far, far away comes for a visit and we do things together or if we go visit her and get to have a girls day out. We used to go to plays together in DC, but since she moved we haven’t been able to and I do miss that.
  9. Lunch or dinner with a friend/friends – Nothing better than a get together with a group of friends over some food and maybe a glass or two of wine or a margarita. The laughs and stories are enough to keep me going for a couple days. And again the support and love I feel is always there.
  10. And finally..Me! I am good! I am not whole or wonderful by any means, but I am good… I am somewhat broken and some days it is all I can do to get out of bed and put on clean clothes. But I am here, I am alive and I am doing the best I can.

I leave you as always with a question and a quote. What is one good thing in your life right at this moment?

“It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get.” ~ Confucius

 

 

 

 

 

08Sep/16

“Workin’ For A Livin”

Credits to Huey Lewis and the News

No, I don't work here...

No, I don’t work here…Thank goodness!

“I’m taking what they giving cause I’m working for a livin”…while their grammar and spelling isn’t exactly up to par, this sums up my feelings today. Thanks Huey!

I retired last year after getting laid off from a job I loved and had hoped to retire from, just not when that particular company decided it was time for me to go. After it happened, I thought you know what maybe this is a good thing. I had worked long enough and really didn’t want to work anymore. I started writing this blog and loved it. I was spending more time with my family, my grandkids and my friends and it was enough. I was enjoying my forced retirement. I was enjoying my life. All of that changed a little over a month ago when my son passed away. I suddenly had too much time on my hands and all that extra time caused me to think and I didn’t want to think. It was too painful to think.

So I made a decision. I decided to go back to work. Look I’m not crazy.. I’m not going to work everyday and I’m not going to work long hours but I want to get out of the house and make a little extra money since the social security thing isn’t all its cracked up to be. Well, at least in my case. I was a stay at home Mom for a long time and then waitressed for many years. You don’t make a big pay check waitressing, you make money with the tips you get, and we didn’t have to claim them back then. Hence the reason I am not making big bucks being on social security.

My main reason for going back though is the interaction with people. The customers and the people I will be working with every day. I love being out among people. I really missed that since being laid off. So I called an old boss of mine and asked her if she could use my help and to my surprise she was overjoyed that I was even thinking of coming back. I met with her today and we got caught up on what was going on in our lives and went over my schedule. I told her I didn’t want to overwhelm myself and go crazy so we are starting out slow. This is a retail job and can get a bit chaotic so I want to see how it goes.

“Concentrate on your job and you will forget your other troubles.” ~ William Feather

Reading that quote above…I don’t know that working again will make me forget all my troubles or make me miss my son any less but it will give me a few hours where I won’t think about it non stop. Because you can only clean and wash so much. And I am still thinking even while doing that. Also this whole work thing could be really good for me. I just read an article on CNN’s website, it was about older workers and said that working around 25 hours a week was linked to an improvement in their cognitive performance, but more than 25 shows a decrease. Not planning to work more than 25, that’s for sure. I don’t want my cognitive performance to suffer. I’m thinking maybe one to two days a week is good for now. After all it is called work for a reason.

Websters definition of “work” – a job or activity that you do regularly especially in order to earn money. Well, yeah, why else would you work? I know some people don’t do it for the money, they do it because they love whatever it is they are doing. I’ve heard it said, if you love what you do it isn’t work. I have heard this statement made many times and Steve Jobs said, “the only way to do great work is to love what you do.” Unfortunately, the things I love to do just don’t earn me any money. Things like reading, lunch with friends, writing this blog…or eating ice cream and potato chips. By the way, if I got paid for any of those I would be a millionaire just on the chips eating thing alone.

We will see how this whole going back to work thing goes. Going there today felt right. We’ll see if it still feels like that around Christmas.

I leave you as always with a question and a quote.

Do you enjoy working? If you are retired would you consider going back to work, even for a few hours a week? I love reading your comments.

“Work hard so you can shop harder.” – Unknown (now this is one quote about work I can wrap my head around)

 

 

 

 

01Sep/16

LOOK FOR THE GOOD!

and just maybe you will find it…

beautiful flowers growing out of a rock

beautiful flowers growing out of a rock

This picture proves that there can be good in any situation. The photo was taken at the top of a mountain and there were rocks everywhere, but I saw these beautiful little flowers growing out of the rocks. There is always some good in every situation, we just need to look for it. It is there, hidden beneath the “rocks.” “Look for the good!”

Going through one of the hardest times in my life, that of losing my son, I have been amazed at all the good surrounding me and even more amazed I can see it. I try and look for the good in all situations and even post a “good story” every morning on Facebook. Some days it is hard to find one amongst all the negativity that is being shared. But I do it to honor my sister and now to honor my son. I also do it because it proves to me that there still is good to be found, we just need to look for it. It helps me to know that not all is lost and good things are happening out there every day.

There are also a lot of good people and I have seen this first hand lately. People that have stepped up to help me and are there for me every day. There are some people you just know are going to be there and then others who surprise you and come out of no where to help or just lend an ear and let you talk. I really feel most people are inherently good and want to spread goodness, but then somehow life gets in the way. Bad things happen to them and all they can see is the evil that is out there and it makes them unable to see anything good. Or for them to do anything remotely good.

“Life is neither good or evil, but only a place for Good and Evil.” ~ Marcus Aurelius

This whole “finding the good” thing is easier than you think. We need to put good out there and it will come back. Maybe if we all stopped the negative talk and thinking and tried to find the good we would see a change. It is so prevalent on social media and tv that it of course alters our way of looking at things. There are people who have nothing positive to say about anything and then there are people who really do good things but you don’t hear about that. This could be changed if we would all just live by the old saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  My parents taught me this as a young child and I really do try to live by it. I just wish others would. I really would like to see all of this negativity go away and for people to actually be nice to each other. Is that totally crazy of me to even think this could happen?

I have heard it said, one person can change the world and we have seen that happen, both in good ways and bad. Maybe we can’t change the world but we can change our own small part of it by the way we look at it and react to it. We can try to do and see more good. We can put it out there and maybe, just maybe it will come back. What if we all gave it a try and just looked for and noticed the “good?” What’s the worse that could happen?

I end as usual with a question and a quote. What do you think? Can we change things by doing and looking for the “good?” I look forward to your comments.

“Keep putting out good. It will come back to you tenfold in unexpected ways.” ~ Farrah Gray

And as a good friend of mine always says, “Life is good.”