Category Archives: Humor

19May/17
laughing

15 Words That Sound Dirty But Aren’t

Humor, ,

and really, who decided to call it that….

laughing

now that’s funny…

I needed to change things up a little this week with some humor. I have been somewhat sad lately and writing sad posts… so I thought I would write a post that would make me laugh and hopefully you too! I have been thinking about this for some time now…how common ordinary words sometimes just sound dirty. I know I have a weird way of looking at things, ok…and maybe its just me, but I hope I’m not the only one who thinks this way. Here is my list of words that sound dirty to me…but really aren’t…

1. DICK’S (Sporting Goods) – It’s even capitalized. So someone somewhere thought this would be a good name for a sporting goods store. I don’t care if the guy who owns it was named Dick or not….not a good name for a store. I can’t even…and if I even wanted to, who can say this without laughing….”hey, wanna go to DICK’S”…

2. Cockpit – What, all pilots were men back then and so they named it this? Really?

3. Ding Dongs – Someone just decided to make a tasty treat of “chocolate with a creamy filling” (yes, that is what it says in the ad) and then someone else said, let’s name them Ding Dongs. Maybe they even hired an ad firm to consult on this name and paid them big bucks.

4. Cocktail – Every time I see this on the menu it makes me laugh. Maybe I am still 10.

5. Strip Mall – Why? I know the stores are all lined up in a strip, but really?

6. Corkscrew – This is just wrong…and I use one all the time to open my wine. But every time I do I laugh. And I use one quite frequently.

7. Fracking – I know it is a hotly debated issue…but that name…it just sounds dirty.

8. Tight End and Wide Receiver – I put these two together since they were both football terms. And of course most football players are men..so they most likely came up with these terms. I have however seen a few cute “tight ends” when watching the games on tv.

9. Dickies – Not sure if the younger generation knows what these are but we older women wore them under sweaters..they were a fake turtleneck kinda thing, so we didn’t have to wear a real turtleneck. Do you understand this…cause I didn’t and I don’t think I wore them cause I never liked turtlenecks. Also there is a line of mens work clothing called this…Of course there is…

10. Uranus – No explanation needed…

11. Clematis – It’s a very pretty climbing vine…but it sounds like an STD. Did you ever have clematis?

12. Angina – I know this is not a funny term for those who have it or experienced it but really they couldn’t have called it something else.

13. Rear Entry – As in when you get there, try the rear entry. Or the car has a rear entry door… but seriously…

14. Jiffy Lube – It’s great if you are in a hurry… And..NO Appointment Needed…

and last but certainly not least…

15. Volvo – Those Swedes!

“There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.” ~ Lenny Bruce

Are there any I left out? Can you come up with a few more…post them below in the comments.

 

09May/17
Sh*t house

Can We Ever Really Get Our Sh*t Together?

Aging, Humor, Life, ,

and does it matter if we don’t…

poop house

might be the only place to get our sh*t together…

My youngest texted me the other night and I asked her what she was doing. She said she was “working on getting her sh*t together.” I texted her back and said, “honey, I’m 67 and I still don’t have mine together. In fact I don’t even know where it is.”

Since I was at the beach with my girl friends we all started talking about this and every single one of them said they didn’t think we ever really get it all together. So my question today is….Can we truly get our sh*t together or do we spend our entire lives trying to do this? It seems to me and this is just my own personal experience, whenever I think I have it all together, life goes…”not so fast there girl”…and something happens to let me know I don’t.

I’ve spent most of my adult life working on “me”…trying to be a better person, figuring out who I am, and what I want out of life. And honestly I think I know less now than I did when I was in my 30’s. I read all the self help books back in the 80’s and 90’s…books by Norman Vincent Peale, Dale Carnegie, Steven Covey and more… they all helped me be more positive after my divorce and even do some of the things I always wanted to do, like have my own business. But now in my 60’s I have no clue how to get it together. Could it be because we think we know everything when we are younger and as we age we figure out…we don’t.

Maybe the answer to this question is that as we age we know we don’t have all that much time to figure it out anymore? That the life we have left is growing shorter every day and we won’t ever figure out what we really want or desire. I’m not saying by any means that I am unhappy or feel “less than” for not figuring out my whole existence by now. But I really would like to know what I’m here for, why am I on this earth and what am I supposed to do…or have I already done it?

“Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” ~ Jim Rohn

I still think I should get my sh*t together once and for all at this point in my life. Really I should. I just don’t think it’s possible. However, I did come up with a theory of why we can’t while we were all discussing it and this is what I came up with….Hope you are ready for this one…Maybe we work on our sh*t our whole lives and that is what we are meant to do… and then when we finally, once and for all get it together and figure it all out…we die. I know…I know…but it does make some weird cosmic sense that this may be the answer. We finally have attained the unattainable… so what is there left to do?

After coming upon this life altering thought… I then decided not to work so hard on getting it all together any time soon because I want to be around for a while. I am just going to enjoy my life, have fun and give up on trying to figure it all out. This isn’t easy for me to do because I have this deep seated need to be aware of my reason for being here. I always have. I don’t know if I can really do this or not. But I’m going to try.

Having said that I am going to give up trying to figure it all out also means I can not waste time on the “why’s” in my life…why don’t I still have the marriage I thought would last forever, my family that is gone and the money I was told I would have is not there. Things like that. Thinking about things such as this drive us crazy. Change happens through out our entire lives, as we well know “the only constant in our lives is change.” Sometimes we just have to deal with the cards we are dealt and move forward. It’s the same as constantly trying to get our sh*t together.  We need to learn to live with the fact we may never get it together. And that’s ok!

Ok, I’ve decided getting my sh*t together isn’t important! Life changing decision for me. I hope I can do this. So then what is important? What is important is being able to live in the moment. Don’t try to live in the future and worry about what is to come or dwell on the past and think about the “why’s and “what if’s.” Live life fully, enjoy the people we love and who love us. Dance to the music, walk in the rain and lay on the beach listening to the waves and just “be”… Live!!

Do you have your sh*t together? If you don’t, does it matter to you? If you do, please tell us how you did it?

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.” ~ Mark Twain  (maybe this is why I felt like I had it together back in my 30’s..I was very self confident then…and also very ignorant)

 

 

 

07Apr/17
stop sign

Just Stop Talking To Me!

Humor, Life, Rants, , ,

everyone and “everything”..take note, just stop.

stop sign

Just stop…please

I don’t know why everything has to talk to us these days. Do we really need to be spoken to by our phones, our cars, and our computers? I did an upgrade on my computer and it asked me if I wanted Siri. I said no, it came back and said why…I said because I don’t want my computer to talk to me. I have enough things talking to me. People in stores, people I don’t know or want to know feel like they must tell me their whole life story. I somehow bring this out in people. I must look like I care what they have to say.

Ok, those of you who know me or follow me know I do care. I care deeply about people, my friends, family and neighbors, etc. I’m a caring person. I really am. And I want to know everything about them and what is going on in their life. They can call me any time day or night and I will be there for them.  But if I am sitting in the car repair place reading my book, then NO.. “Mr Bald Guy with the big glasses”(I also have a thing where I give these people names)I don’t want to know what you are having for dinner later or guess where you were earlier in the day or where you are going on vacation next week. No…I don’t need to know that. I am reading a book. One time I was on a plane and the guy next to me constantly tried talking to me even though I was making believe I was asleep to try and stop his constant chatter. It didn’t work or stop him from going on and on endlessly about the problems he was having in his marriage. What idiot talks to people when they are clearly trying to sleep?

I also hate when I am in the grocery store and people I don’t know want to stop and talk about how they make spaghetti. I am here for a reason, I don’t like grocery shopping, I want to get in, get my stuff and get out. As stated, I don’t like people and I don’t want to talk to you about making spaghetti. Ok, I know all of this sounds somewhat harsh and maybe mean spirited. It isn’t really just people, it is all these gadgets we have vying for our attention and screaming at us everyday that is really the cause of my ire.

“Talk low, talk slow and don’t say too much.” ~ John Wayne

I”m a somewhat normal person. I like parties and having fun and sometimes I throw caution to the wind and dance and sing out loud. But the majority of the times these days, I like my peace and quiet. Been there done that, if you know what I mean.  But every direction I turn lately I have someone or some “thing” trying to talk to me. The ATM asks, do you want that cash a certain way? Its $20…just give me $20. My daughters car talks to her constantly. I can’t stand that and its not even my car. I am glad mine doesn’t do that. If it did I may have to take out its speaking thingy. If I don’t want to get my oil changed right now when my car says its time I won’t. And it can beep at me all it wants to but it can’t make me. The watches that talk and tell you stuff annoy me. Who needs that? All you need is a watch that tells time. Thats it… that is why God created watches.

And then they created the talking tube. The round thing that sits in the middle of your living room you talk to and it answers every question known to man…or woman. It reads books and plays songs and tells you the news of the day. Ask it anything and it has an answer. The Echo…Who needs this and why? I don’t like real people talking to me and now we have this. There is Google Now, Windows Cortana, and of course our dear sweet Siri..all of them trying to one up each other and answer the questions the world needs to know and then some. Maybe we should put them all in a room together and let them talk to each other until they run out of answers.

I don’t have Siri on my new iPhone, I mean she is there lurking just waiting for me to push her button and “need” her. Last week one night my grandson was showing me how to use my phone and he told me to push the on button twice, I did that and Siri came on happy as a clam that I had asked her something. Of course I didn’t ask her anything I was talking to my grandson. So I said “oh no there’s Siri. I hate her.”  To which Siri replies, “Well, I’m still here for you.” She made me cry. Maybe I’ll talk to her one of these days.

Do you like “things” talking to you? Do you use any of the things I mentioned? Please tell me one good reason to use them in the comments below.

“Sometimes it feels better not to talk. At all. About anything, To anyone.” ~ Bryan Cranston as Walter in Breaking Bad

31Mar/17
neighborhood kids

What Can I Be When I Grow Up?

Aging, Humor, Life, ,

what is left that I haven’t already done…

what do you want to be

Do I look like a nurse in my bikini?

I’m the one on the far right in the bikini. Not even sure it was a bikini, it was a two piece bathing suit. But that’s not the topic of this post. I loved my friends and the lazy summer days spent in our pool. We didn’t have a care in the world.  As you can see my friends had a dog. I wanted a dog too. A poodle..a toy poodle. My parents said they couldn’t afford it and if I could somehow find the money I could have one. I think they said that knowing full well I couldn’t possibly find the money. I was the oldest in the neighborhood and was also kind of bossy. So I told all the kids they needed to give me money so I could buy a poodle and you know what…they did. And their parents didn’t even seem to care. I got my poodle too as you can see in the picture on the right of The Helpful Hellion. I was such a little entrepreneur.

It was around this time in my life that I decided I wanted to be was a nurse. Mom’s best friend across the street was a nurse and I for some reason thought that sounded like something I should do too.. My Aunt Norma was also a nurse and she was awesome. So that was it…I was going to be a nurse. Every time I went to the doctor’s office all I would do was watch the nurses in their starched white uniforms and little caps go about their business and think someday that will be me.

That was the plan until I turned 13. I was going to be a nurse. However my teenage angst and thoughts of far away places changed all of that. Far away as in getting out of the house and moving somewhere exotic and doing something artistic. Since I didn’t have much artistic talent that anyone could see, even me…I decided I was going to be a writer. I was going to write and live in Paris. Yeah, I know…but it was the 60’s and people were doing all kinds of crazy things. So that was it then at 13, I decided to move to Paris as soon as I graduated and write. I started right away, every day when I got home from school I wrote. I was writing the next “Great American Novel.” I called it, “I Walk Alone.” It was about a woman living alone in of all places Paris. I still have it somewhere around here.

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” ~ George Elliot

I kept the writing thing going and really worked hard in English class until around the age of 15. After that, what I was going to be wasn’t as important as all the cute boys I had started being attracted to. When I got pregnant and married at almost 16, my future was decided for me. I was going to be…a Mom. Having 3 children by the age of 21 didn’t allow much time for anything else. I was a stay at home Mom and I loved it. I guess it was around that time I started working outside the house a few hours to give me some spending money of my own and a chance to get out of the house a bit.

I continued working a few part time retail jobs while the kids were growing up and enjoyed the interaction and loved the retail environment. I loved clothes and shoes and I got a discount and money to spend. I got divorced at age 27 and went to work full time. This time it wasn’t so much a choice of what exciting thing I wanted to do, it was what can I do that I can make the most money and be there for the kids. I got a waitress job and was home by 3 when the kids got home. I made good money and had benefits. So it worked well for all of us.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”~ E.E.Cummings

I am not going to list all the jobs I’ve had over the course of my years because it would take forever. Let me just say, I had more that 20. I have also lost a good majority of those jobs due to a changing work environment. One where companies get bought out or close and people lose their jobs unexpectedly. I had several that I really loved and with no warning whatsoever the company just left all of us go. Early in my 40’s I grew tired of working for other people and decided I want to have my own business. So I thought, what was it that I loved and had always wanted to do? The answer wasn’t hard to come upon as I for a number of years had wanted to have my own clothing store.

Once I decided this was what I wanted to do it didn’t take long for everything to fall into place. One day at work I was looking in the newspaper and saw a local boutique downtown was for sale and couldn’t believe my eyes. I loved this store. As soon as I got off work I went there to talk to the owner. A few days later I put a business plan together and presented it to the local bank. They accepted it and gave me the money to buy the business. All this occurred within the span of a few weeks unbelievably.  The day the previous owner turned over the keys I stood in the middle of the store…my store and thought to myself….this is mine. This is what I have always wanted. I am living my dream.

working in a store

Me.. in my store…living my dream.

My dream lasted for a little over 4 years. I loved owning that store, the buying trips, merchandising all the clothing and accessories and helping women look good. Both of my daughters worked there with me and it was fun. I couldn’t see myself ever doing anything else. Sadly, the climate of the downtown changed and in 1990 when the recession hit, it hit 20 stores plus mine. I had to close my store and lock the door for the final time. It is hard coming back after that. What do you do when you have your dream? Where do you go from there?

Being in the downtown area I got to know people in the community and was offered several jobs, thank goodness. I appreciated every single offer and worked hard over the next few decades. I thought I had found another dream job about 7 years ago in the jewelry business. I was merchandising and traveling to stores all over the place. I loved it. Again it wasn’t to be and I was left go. While working at a few of the jobs I have had over the last decade I had also decided to keep my one part time job as a vendor of a large cosmetic/perfume company. I kept it due to the money, the people I worked for and with and basically being able to make my own schedule. Well as of 2 weeks ago that job has now also gone the direction of so many others I have had due to a recent buyout and reorganization…so here I am at 67 looking for a job.

“Do something. If it works, do more of it. If it doesn’t , do something else.” ~ FDR

I know you’re asking yourself, why is she looking for work at 67?..well, I enjoy getting out of the house and being with people…I enjoy working at a job I love and doing it well. I like the satisfaction of a job well done and feeling like I am still able to accomplish something even at my age. I am asking myself once again…what is it you always wanted to do and haven’t done that yet? Anyone that follows this blog knows I love to write and started doing that when I lost the jewelry job. I do love it and I am not planning to stop. I don’t make any money doing this and keeping a big old house going takes a bit of money.

I have had so many jobs I loved and would go back to them…if they were still there to go back to. People keep saying to me, “oh, don’t worry, when one door closes another opens”… I have had so many doors close on me I think I will have to hire a locksmith this time. At this point in my life I want to be happy and want to do something I love doing. I also would like to make a difference in some way. So here I am asking myself, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” And I honestly don’t know the answer this time.

So here is the question of the day..What do you want to be when you grow up? I asked my grand daughter this questions today and she said… “a park ranger.” Sounds good to me.

“What did you do as a child that made the hours pass like minutes? Herein lies the key to your earthly pursuits.” ~ Carl Jung

 

 

 

 

 

24Mar/17
older women

15 Signs You Are Getting Old…er

Aging, Humor, Life, ,

how do we know we’re getting old, let me help…

older women

Do you think we’re old?

As usual this topic came up in conversation with some friends the other night at dinner. Well we really didn’t talk about getting older, we like to avoid that subject, but so many of our topics of conversation that night made me think about this. I thought about it the whole day and decided to put together this list of 15 signs you are getting old..er. So if you’re in doubt this may help.

1. You used to love going to crowded places like bars and concerts, but now if someone is even in the same aisle at the grocery store as you, it bugs you. Why is it so peoply everywhere these days?

2. You have to sit down to put on your socks or take off your pants. If you don’t you may fall over. Remember the days when we had perfect balance and could take these things off while standing up? Yeah, me neither cause I can’t remember a damn thing.

3. You print out the map quest directions when going somewhere you’ve never been before because you can’t see the tiny map or directions on your phone. And quite honestly I don’t trust those GPS things anyway. Remember those people who drove into the water cause the GPS told them to go straight…and they did… Straight into the water. Yeah, that ain’t happening to this girl.

4. When any of the music awards shows are on TV you don’t know who half the artists/bands are that are up for any of the awards. Really, who are these people and why haven’t I heard of them? I watch The Voice, I listen to the radio… I’m guessing listening to the oldies station doesn’t help.

5. When you get together these days with your high school friends… instead of talking about the cute guys you are dating you talk about your aching joints, back spasms, recent doctor visits and your upcoming cataract surgery. I want to talk about the cute guys I’m dating again…

6. You avoid people in the store when you see them because you can’t remember their name…and you know they remember your name because they did the last time you ran into them and till this day you still can’t remember theirs. It’s easier for everyone if you just avoid them altogether. 

7. Everyone is speeding by you on the highway. Remember when it was us speeding down the road yelling at all the old people to go faster or get off the road. Yeah. Karma…

8. When you can’t lose 5 pounds in one day anymore by just cutting out one  thing like soda or ice tea. Now I couldn’t lose 5 pounds in a year if i stopped eating entirely.

9. You tear up at almost anything these days. TV commercials, Hallmark movies, puppies, babies…Folgers commercials…yeah, I get all teary at coffee commercials..

10. Your sentences these days go something like this…”where is the thing that goes in the whatchamacallit?” And sadder still is the fact the “old” person you ask this question knows exactly what you are talking about.

11. You wish you could trade some of your body parts in on new ones. Your ears have gotten bigger, your hair has gotten thinner(some places have lost all of it) and your feet don’t look cute anymore, they look like something the Hulk walks on. And speaking of feet, no more high heels. You know I think maybe they are to blame for the “Hulk” feet.  Sneakers and really slippers are my best friends. 

12. You make those horrible old people sounds when you get up off the sofa. I remember looking in horror at my Grandfather when he did this. Now I do it. Where do these noises even come from? Do they help us to get up?

13. When you and a group of your friends are at dinner and every single one of you have special requests of the waiter when ordering your food. Can they hold the sauce.. is it gluten free… dressing on the side, please… what kind of oil is that fried in? You get the picture. Remember when we went to the old burger place and just ordered a burger and fries. No questions asked…those were the days…

14. You are filling something out online and it takes forever for you to scroll down to the year you were born. You could leave the room and get a coffee and come back and it would still be scrolling. Sometimes it doesn’t even go that far back, you have to fill the year in yourself….very disappointing.

15. And last but certainly not least…you have a note on your front door that says, “Did you remember your cell phone?” It was written by your grand daughter because you have forgotten yours so many times. And even worse is when you look at the note on your way out and still forget it.

That’s my list. I am sure there are many more you can think of. I would love you to leave some of them in the comments below. What’s a sign of growing old? And remember old is always 20 years older than we are….

“The older you get the better you get unless you’re a banana.” ~ Betty White

10Mar/17
fun

I Want To Be Fun Again…

Aging, Humor, Life, ,

is that even possible at my age…

fun

Like in this picture, see how much fun I am having…

That’s me in the center in the blue dress. Don’t I look like I’m having fun? I must have been, it was my birthday. So I should have been… But was I? Evidently my mom wanted everyone to and was passing out little boxes of it because as you can clearly see, the little girl in yellow has one. Maybe I didn’t get one and that is why I was so upset. Or maybe.. I just didn’t like my hat!

I did have fun as a child even though most of my pictures don’t show that side of me. We played outside all day long and didn’t go in until the sun went down. And we were never bored. I also had lots of fun as a teenager, while most kids in their teens have that teenage angst.. I really don’t remember ever having that. I’m sure my parents would most likely disagree with that statement but I just didn’t.. I had fun. I wasn’t sitting around in my room playing on my phone like kids today, I was out having fun with friends.

Ok, maybe I was having a little too much fun since I got pregnant and was married at 15, but whatever, it all turned out ok. I had 3 beautiful kids before getting a divorce when I was 27. The kids were older and because I never really had most of my teenage years I had them when I was around the age of 30. I started working full time and met this fantastic group of people at work. We became like a family and did so many different things together. Everyone in the group thought I was so much “fun.”

“If you never did you should. These things are fun, and fun is good.” -Dr. Suess

We spent a lot of time together as a group. We went out for dinner together and one of my most favorite things we did was going dancing a few times a week. We danced and we danced. We danced from the time we walked in the door until the time we left. We knew all the local bands and they knew us. We hit all the local hot dance spots of which there were many back then. We were the fun crew and I was the “fun” girl.

I did most if not all of the arranging of our get togethers. I did it simply because I enjoyed being part of this group and I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. And boy did we have fun? They even came to my house and my kids danced with us. This went on for quite a while. I was living life and didn’t seem to have a care in the world. Oh, believe me, I had bills, a job, a house to take care of, kids to take care of, meals to make, wash to do, etc…the same thing everyone else had but some how I fit having a little fun in there too. It made being a single mother of 3 a whole lot easier to deal with.

 

dancing

me dancing…

As I said this went on for a while. A few years in fact. And then some how, some where I lost that fun girl inside me. I don’t remember when it happened or how it happened. Oh, I still have fun, believe me. My friends and family and I have so much fun together. Lunches, dinners, trips to the beach, road trips, shopping and concerts. And let’s not forget “Wine and Pie” days. (we need another one soon) I have fun. Lots of fun. But I just don’t feel like that girl dancing in the picture did…Something inside me was gone.

What happened? Where did that girl go? Did life get in the way? Jobs that took me away from home for days on end, stress, the loss of so many important people in my life…Did all that take the fun out of life, the fun out of me… Or is this just something that happens as we age? Do we have so much on our shoulders these days that life can’t possibly be fun?  I thought I would always be that girl, I just thought I would always be fun.

This whole “me being fun thing” came up today while talking with a friend that I used to have fun with. She had brought some pictures along of us back in the 80’s when we were out having.. fun. Looking at those pictures made me think. I had been feeling like I had lost something and right then and there I knew what it was. As I looked at my face I could see the carefree me just enjoying myself and having fun. We both decided we were going to have fun again. It had been way too long for both of us. And I made a decision right there during lunch that I was going to be the “fun girl” again. We don’t  know how many times we will be able to get out of bed and walk, let alone dance. We aren’t guaranteed anything in this life. We aren’t certain of how many tomorrows we have left. But if there is one thing I am certain of it’s that I am going to have fun! And I will be that “fun” girl again.

When I thought about all of this on my way home from our lunch, I came up with this. I think when you start to forget who you are, you have to think back to a time in your life when you loved yourself the most. That is the real you. I know I loved myself during that time. I thought maybe I loved myself to much. I had obligations. I had a family that needed me. So is that what changed? Did I stop loving myself? Is that what happened? I don’t know the answer. But I am going to try and find that girl in the picture, the one having fun. The “fun” girl.

Do you still have fun? Is it different now than when you were younger? I really would like to hear your comments.

“Never, ever underestimate the importance of having fun.” ~ Randy Pausch

 

 

 

25Feb/17
eat some ice cream

Best Advice I Ever Got

Aging, Humor, Life, , ,

And who gave it to me…

eat some ice cream

“Just eat ice cream and you’ll feel much better”- me

Advice…what is it? Why do we listen to others and why did our parents bother to even give it to us…were we even listening? Googling advice…here is what comes up.. “Advice, noun….guidance or recommendations concerning prudent future action, typically given by someone regarded as knowledgeable or authoritative. Not everyone who has given me advice has been knowledgeable or authoritative..well thinking about this, I guess my Mom was authoritative in that she was my Mother.

I am good at giving advice, but not at taking it. And one thing is for sure, I am not good at taking my own advice. Having said that, here is some of the best advice I have received over the years and it has stuck with me to this day.

“Lower your expectations” – A  good friend gave me this advice at least 20 years ago and I have never forgot it. I was always getting hurt by others and telling her that I didn’t understand why this happened. One night she told me that not everyone was as kind or generous as I was and that is why they couldn’t live up to my expectations. And she said, maybe If I lowered mine I wouldn’t be hurt so much. I have tried to live by this and it has helped. Sometimes it still makes me sad that people can’t be kind or do what I would do. But that is just the way it is..

“You should be a writer” – I have been told this several times in my life. Once by a teacher I had in school and often by friends and family members. I never had the time when the kids were growing up. I know its a lame excuse….But I am writing now. Just a blog, but I’m writing. I still have a book or two in me, maybe one day I will let them out.

“Never let a big dog jump on you” – Another good friend’s mother told her this and she shared it with me. I think this is good advice and really a metaphor. I think it means to try not to let something you don’t want to happen to you… happen to you.

“Make sure you always wear clean underwear” – This one is from my mom. She always said you never know when you will have to go to the hospital and you need to have clean underwear on if that happens. I did have to go once and thank goodness my underwear was clean. Thanks Mom!

“Never change who you are for someone” – I don’t remember who told me this but it stuck with me and I never have changed for anyone. I am me, take me as I am.

“If a relationship isn’t right, you can’t fix it. And if it’s good, you can’t mess it up” – An older woman friend of mine told me this once when I was in the beginning stages of a relationship and asked her how I could fix it. She also said you shouldn’t have to fix it at the very beginning, it should be awesome. I never forgot this or her. And it is so very true.

“Never ever stay with someone who gets violently angry wth you for throwing away a dirty napkin” – Advice from another friend…she is no longer with him. Pretty good advice I think. Also never stay with someone that gets angry because you forgot the taco sauce when you made tacos… just a little advice from me..I know it’s important to have taco sauce when you make tacos, however to throw things and scream at someone is not…

“Ice cream, pie and wine can make anything better” – This is from me. I know it can’t fix everything but it sure does help.

“Roll down the windows and turn up the music” – This great advice is from the show on NBC, “This Is Us” Love this show by the way. I think this is awesome advice, so next time you have a bad day or life is kicking your butt… get in the car, head out on a back road…roll down the windows and turn up the music…

“Never go to bed angry” – Again… Mom. She always told me to make up with whoever I was angry with before going to sleep.This is good advice and something we should all adhere to. Life is short, so fix what is broken and tell people you love them. We aren’t guaranteed another day. And if you wake up the next day and the person you were angry at isn’t around anymore, you can never fix it.

“When you are 90 and sitting in your rocker on the front porch, think about this problem, this thing you are upset about, will it be important then?” – Me again..I always ask myself this question or people who come to me with a problem. It works when you ask this, because most of the time we spend worrying over such trivial, insignificant things… Not the things that really matter.

“Never lose your sense of humor” – Actually it’s “Don’t ever lose your sense of humor Dan, don’t EVER lose your sense of humor.” This line is from “About Last Night”, the movie with Jim Belushi and Rob Lowe. Love this line..and so true..we must always keep our sense of humor…it will help us get through this thing called life. Believe me if I didn’t have a sense of humor I don’t know how I would have survived the things I’ve been through.

“If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with” – Crosby, Stills and Nash. Well they sang this song but seriously a guy once said this to me…think he had ulterior motives that night. I may or may not have listened to him.

That’s it for now, I have more but I will keep them for another time. If you have a piece of great advice someone once gave you please tell us in the comments. I would love to hear them. What was the best advice anyone ever gave you?

“Advice is like snow – the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind.” ~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge

 

 

 

02Feb/17
giraffes

10 Questions That Have No Answers

Humor, Life, , ,

at least I don’t know the answer…

giraffes

why do we have such long necks, Bob?

There are certainly many unanswered questions out there. For some reason I tend to think of weird things and wonder about many of them while drifting off to sleep. Yes, I know I’m weird. Here are a few of the many questions I have.

  1. Why do giraffes have such long necks? No other animal has a neck this long. I always thought they looked kinda weird and if they weren’t careful they could get tied in a knot. Like if they looked in to many different directions at one time or if they did yoga or something.
  2. Why do they have toilet paper commercials on tv? Seriously, we all need this. Do they really need to advertise it? Do they think we will stop buying it?
  3. Why do we adults have trouble opening child proof bottles, but little kids have no problem? If I can’t get my bottle of aspirin open I always ask my grandson to open it. No problem.
  4. Why is lemonade sometimes made with artificial flavoring, but my dishwashing liquid is made with real lemon juice? This one really gets to me. I don’t understand it at all. I honestly would pay more for my lemonade to have real lemons in it. And wouldn’t artificial lemon juice work just as well in the dishwashing liquid? It’s not like I drink it…but it does smell yummy, so I want to.
  5. Is clear a color? My grandson just told me the color of his hair was clear when he was a baby. I asked don’t you mean blonde, he said no it was clear. I don’t know…maybe clear is a color. White is a color and it really doesn’t have any color… ok, never mind.
  6.  Why when someone works really hard do we say “he worked like a dog”? I don’t get this. Every dog I know lays around all day and sleeps. They might get up and walk around in circles for a bit, but then they lick themselves and lay back down again. Really, did you ever do this when you worked very hard at something?
  7. Why do we say “after dark”? After dark is light and light is before dark. So what does this even mean?  I think this is another one of those riddles our ancestors said to confuse us.
  8. When you die do you have to keep wearing the outfit you had on when you died? Anyone know if this is true…if it is, then I need to dress better every single day….just incase.
  9. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream containers? Ok, isn’t it already spoiled, it is sour..so why can’t we keep it forever and not have it turn bad? My daughter and I had this discussion last week when we made tacos and the sour cream had a date that had passed. We looked at each other and said, “how can it go bad it’s already sour?” So we used it on our tacos. We are still alive. And thank goodness for that cause I wasn’t wearing a very cute outfit that day.
  10. Why are all barns red? I don’t even have a thought on this one…let me think for a bit..Nope.. nada.. nothing.

Well that’s my ten for today. I have a lot more but I will save them for another day. Ok, since you begged me…I have another…why for all that’s holy please tell me why hot dogs come in packs of 8 and hot dog rolls come in packs of 10?? Why?

And here’s one for you to sleep on tonight. The ABC’s are supposedly alphabetically arranged…who made this the way it is and said that is the correct way? Maybe, way back in time it really started with N or Q. And then someone else came along and thought better of it and said I think it should start with “A”. Whoa…I will just leave you to ponder that one. And if you come up with a good answer I will listen to it.

Do you have any questions that have no answers?

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” ~ Charles Chaplin

27Jan/17
a man who can fix things

“It’s So Nice To Have A Man Around The House”

Humor, Life, , ,

Especially when they can fix things…

a man who can fix things

he really loves to fix things…

Both Dinah Shore and Eartha Kitt sang this song back in the day, but it sure says what I’m feeling this week. And no I don’t have a man living in my house. And I didn’t all the sudden find the man of my dreams(does one such man even exist) What I have found is something better… A good honest man who can fix things and doesn’t charge me an arm and a leg to do so.

I bought my little old 1890’s built house 9 years ago. It is a double house, not a duplex but a house that had another full house attached to the back of the parent house. I wanted a house where I could have my own place and my son and his family could have theirs. We decided to do this together and I would charge them less rent because my son would do all the work on the house and also take care of the yard work and snow removal. He took care of everything from electrical problems to plumbing and everything in between…and I mean everything. There wasn’t anything he couldn’t fix. It worked out great for us all. If I ever had a problem I told him and it was taken care of. And I was there to help out with the grandkids.

This situation worked great for all of us until my son’s death in July of last year. I was grieving the loss of my son but also I was constantly stressing and worrying about how I was going to take care of this big old house that always, always needed something fixed. As I have mentioned before, I have awesome friends and one of them gave me the name of a man she said was a wonderful handyman should I ever need one. So many things had been happening over the past few months that I put off calling him. I have had a few leaks in the ceiling and lately they had gotten to the point where I couldn’t ignore them anymore. So I finally picked up the phone and called him last week.

His name is Calvin. We talked for a bit and he mentioned my friend had told him about me and that I might be calling him. He told me he would stop by the next day to go over what I needed done. When he arrived he wasn’t what I had expected from our conversation but then no one ever is. I always have a picture in my mind of people and somehow they never turn out looking like what I expect them to look like. Back to Calvin. I showed him around the house and told him all the things I wanted done eventually but what I needed now and what was at the top of my list was the roof fixed and to stop the constant water coming in whenever it rained. He said no problem and would be back the next day to take care of it. Just like that.

Calvin worked 2 days fixing all the leaks and was up on the roof yesterday in gale force winds trying to get everything done so we wouldn’t have to worry about any more water coming in. He found so many spots that needed repair and places that I didn’t even know were leaking. I kept going out to see if he was ok and that he hadn’t blown off the roof. Seriously… I thought he might. When he finally finished up and had loaded up the ladders and his tools he came in to present me with his bill. I was a little concerned because he did buy quite a few supplies and also worked 2 long days. I almost fell over with relief when I looked down at the amount. I won’t go into details here but lets just say I was very very happy with Calvin.

When I told my friend I had called him and how happy I was to have him she said…”Everyone should have a Calvin.” And she is so right. All of this talk about how much I liked Calvin made me think of Brooke Shields and her Calvin Klein ads back in 1980…so to do a little play on her words…”nothing’s going to come between me and my Calvin.”  My whole point is this…. we all need a Calvin. An honest man that fixes things that we can trust. Now, I can fix a broken toilet, put a new faucet on, etc, I have many times. I once lived with a man who couldn’t fix a single solitary thing… so I did. But this house is overwhelming and as I’ve said.. old. It needs a lot of fixin. I am not sure if I will continue to live here or not. There are a lot of happy memories here but then some not so good. But they say not to make a big decision until at least a year after the loved one passes so I am not rushing into anything. We will see how it goes..but in the meantime I have my Calvin.

Do you have a “Calvin” in your life? I hope so.

“Every job is good if you do your best and work hard. A man who works hard stinks only to the ones that have nothing to do but smell.” ~ Laura Ingalls Wilder     I loved this….

Oh by the way, here is a picture of Calvin..

Brad in Thelma and Louise

Calvin…LOL..just kiddin, it’s Brad in Thelma and Louise.

 

 

20Jan/17
crap

Do We Have Too Much Crap?

Aging, Fashion, Humor, Life, , ,

well I do and where does it all come from…

crap

yes, I said crap…

Since the weather was so warm this week it tricked me into thinking Spring was here, and because of that I decided to do a little Spring cleaning…Now if you know me at all you also know I hate to clean, so I have to pounce on these moments when they happen. And believe me they don’t happen very often.

For some reason, things in my closet seem to multiply. I really don’t understand this. I was just talking to my friends about this very thing and they agreed it happens to them too. The question is… “How” does this happen? Do little gnomes sneak in while I am sleeping and put stuff there… because I know I couldn’t have purchased all this crap. Ok, it isn’t really crap, some of it is really nice stuff. There is just way too much of it in my teeny closet.

I do feel like I just went through all of this about a year ago. Sorting through clothing, shoes, boots and handbags, getting rid of what no longer made me feel joyful. I have heard this quote on many occasions… “Discard everything that does not spark joy.” ~ Marie Kondo  I am not ever sure I can do that totally… How can I get rid of the washing machine or the stove? Anyway, my point being is it is hard to get rid of some things you may have gotten attached to or maybe thought you would wear to that wonderful event in your head that has never happened.

I decided to start with shoes and boots. I made a brilliant discovery while doing this…if you keep shoes and boots in boxes and can not see what is in those boxes, you will never wear them, And when you open aforementioned boxes, you may be quite surprised to see a pair of boots you bought 3 years ago on sale at the end of the season and have never ever worn. Note: this may or may not have happened to me… I could not believe how many pairs of shoes I had and many I have never even worn. I went through them like a crazy woman, throwing into a pile the ones I will donate and others to people I think might want them only keeping the ones that bring me “joy.”

“If you always add and never subtract, you will eventually bury yourself.”~ Peter Walsh

When I moved to this house 9 years ago I got rid of everything that didn’t make me happy or bring me “joy,” I really purged, I figured what better time to do this and there was no reason to take things I no longer loved to the new house. It was so sparse in the new abode, The basement was clean as a new born babe. I had listened to Peter Walsh’s advice about how we move boxes to new houses and never even look inside to see what we are moving. He also advised that if you had things saved from your family members who were no longer with you, to go through them and keep just one thing from the box, but display it. I thought this was good advice and I did that. It was hard getting rid of my grandmothers dishes but now I have one sitting on my dresser in my bedroom with a candle on it. I can actually see that every night and think of her.

But I digress, back to the task at hand. The shoes, boots and handbags are finished… its on to the clothing. This I’m afraid is taking much longer than the accessories. My underwear drawer alone is a daunting task to be had. There are so many different sizes and so many different types in there it is a little scary. Who is going to wear all this crap? Who did I buy these for? Ok, let’s leave that discussion for another day and maybe a therapist.

Last year I made a decision that if I purchased anything new I would get rid of two things I had. I did this for a few months and it was working. I don’t know what happened to that plan but I have now started doing it again. First of all I want to state right here and now and want you all to hold me to this…I do not now or ever in the next few years need a pair of shoes or boots…well that might be a little over the top, I may need a pair of sneakers…walking sneakers…they do wear out. and I walk a lot. But as far as clothing, styles come and go and we do need new things every now and then to perk us up and make us feel fresh and “in style”… I don’t know about the rest of you but at this age I need all the “perking up” I can get.

I don’t know if this is normal or if others tend to do this,  but I seem to get the same things over and over. If I find a certain type of shoe or sweater I am drawn to buy more of that same kind. I don’t know what that says about me or why I do this. I blame it on my Mom. I told my daughter recently maybe we should just take a picture of something we think is cute instead of buying it, that way we can look at it without the expense. She didn’t seem to like this idea. I just know I can’t keep up with all this “crap”.  I had a rough year last year and maybe all this clutter is a sign of that. I need to clear out the crap and get on with my life. This year will be all about clearing out and “healing”…

I will let you know how the closet cleaning is going and by the way if you don’t hear from me for awhile I may be lost in there and can’t find my way out. Please check on me…

Do you do this? Do you have too much crap? How do you keep it under control? I really hope I’m not the only one, let me know in the comments.

“Collect moments, not things” ~ Unknown