What I Want This Year…

my word for this year is Serenity…

Calm, quiet and serene…

My word for 2019 is “serenity”… to me it means calm, quiet and peaceful, and when I googled it…it said, “noun..the state of being calm, peaceful, and serene.” I need to feel this. I need to feel peaceful.  I have been feeling anxious quite a bit lately and that is so not like me. I usually do not dwell on things or let the small things bother me. My motto has always been to not worry about things that “could” happen. But now I seem to worry about everything and anything.

I over think and dwell on the “what ifs.” I have never been that person before so I don’t know how to deal with this. I was always the person who told others when they would be worried about something…”when you are 90 and sitting in your rocker on the porch, will this even matter”.. I think that is a good barometer for testing whether it is truly something you should worry about or leave it go. But evidently I don’t listen to myself anymore. At least not the self that gives me good advice.

Worrying has never solved one single problem. I know that to be a fact, my brain knows it, my heart knows it…so why can’t I stop? I’ve thought about this for quite a while and told myself, this isn’t you, why are you doing this? What changed to make you be like this? The simple answer and the only one I can come up with…my son died. If that can happen…anything can happen.

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm.” ~ Unknown

I’m not sure if my son’s untimely death is totally to blame, but it surely plays a part in my new way of looking at life. I never expected to lose a child, much less to suicide, so if this can happen…anything can happen. Bad things “can” happen. Any time, to anyone!

That makes me anxious! That makes me worry. I worry about my daughters, I worry about my grandchildren, I worry about my friends. If I text someone and they dont text back, I immediately think something bad has happened to them….they must be lying in a ditch by the side of the road somewhere. I know this is crazy and I know my family and friends think I’m crazy but I cant help it. I care…I worry!

My house is a constant source of worry also. Having been built in 1892 there is always something going wrong, something to worry about. My son could fix everything and did. Now I have to find someone to fix things. I have over time found people and there have been many good friends that have helped with this. But it is still a constant source of worry. And one I need to figure out.  It’s easy to find people to fix “things”…I wish I could find someone to fix me!

”Serenity is knowing that your worst shot is still pretty good.” ~ Johnny Miller

So dear family and friends, if I annoy you with my questions and worry please forgive me. I care about you. I don’t want to lose you. My hope is that 2019 will bring me what I need. I walk everyday and have started walking further and faster. It brings me a sense of peace and clears my mind. Maybe I should be like Forrest Gump and just keep walking…walking until I finally find peace of mind!

And now you know the reasons behind my word of the year. I need to feel calm. I need to feel peace. I need to feel serene…

”Don’t underestimate the power of humor and the ability to laugh at yourself to deliver peace and serenity.” ~ Charles F Glassman

10 thoughts on “What I Want This Year…

  1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m fighting to overcome doubt and discouragement. God allowed my sister to be murdered and my car to be stolen from the front of my house in daylight (two separate instances) within a month of each other. While I understand that all things come together for good, the events have disrupted my sense of peace and my belief that God actually cares about my requests or whether He is just going to allow what He wants to allow anyway. May you find your own sense of peace in your quest for serenity.

    1. Oh my, I am so sorry to hear this. Thank you for sharing “your” story with me. I hope we both find a sense of peace and serenity this year!

  2. I’m so sorry to hear your negative thoughts. I wish I could just take them and dump them somewhere. I wonder if a grief counselor could be of any help. I’m sure losing a child would be the most devastating thing in the world. Maybe I can be more supportive in this new year. Okay…it’s a new year let’s all think and act more positively.

    1. Thank you Peg! I am just happy to have you and Andy as my friends. I am looking forward to a more positive and serene year ahead!

  3. Oh sweetie, I so agree with this. My easy going self seems to worry about anything and everything lately. I guess I’ll blame it on aging. Seeing so many friends getting ill l or passing surely is depressing. I can’t IMAGINE your loss though. Hang tough, we can do it. Love ya💕 SERENITY!!!!

  4. I believe it to be the human condition that we are sometimes besieged by worry. You have undergone much in the last few years and it is normal that worry has become such a huge part of the fabric of your life. There are many ways afforded today to help people cope with worry and stress but they are paths to lead you to a more stress free life. It is easy to recommend such an avenue as this to someone but it is harder to take the plunge and actually enter into a new way of thinking. Your friends are always there because if they were not friends they would not be concerned about you. Therefore, do not be afraid to lean on them at times to give you a sounding board as you attempt to carve a new path for yourself. The anguish you suffer at your son’s untimely death and the concern you have for your grandchildren only demonstrate that you are a truly caring person. Take that care which is so much a part of you and use it to seek this new path. Do not be afraid to go gently into this new year and make your happiness your top priority. Once you achieve that, others will recognize that there is a new you. As for the house, perhaps this year is the year that you change your address and with that move that new you can blossom.

    1. Andy, once again you manage to say all the right things! You and Peg are two loyal friends and I know you are always there if I need you!

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