Tag Archives: #Moms

12Mar/19
My Beautiful Mother

Missing Mom…

Aging, Life, ,

it’s been 4 years this week since she’s been gone…

My Beautiful Mother

My Beautiful Mother

This week marked the 4 year anniversary of my mother’s passing and it brought up so many thoughts and memories I didn’t even realize I had. We like to think we are so different from our mothers…but are we?

My Mom has been on my mind a lot lately for a variety of reasons. One of which is that I recently came across a letter she wrote to me right after our moving to Maryland from Pennsylvania. And reading it made me cry. But it also made me understand some things a little better.

In the letter she expressed her concern for us being so far away and that she wouldn’t get to see me as often and we wouldn’t be able to go shopping together like we did when I lived in the same city as her. She told me that some day I would know how she felt and that she hoped we would still be as close as we had been before the move. Now, I only moved about an hour and a half away, so it wasn’t like I moved across the country to California or to New England like my youngest did, but she was concerned it would change our lives and our closeness. And she wanted me to know she missed me.

“Mothers are like glue. Even when you can’t see them, they’re still holding the family together.” ~ Susan Gayle

I went up there once a week and we still did our dinners and went shopping. We also did every holiday with her and Dad. They had wonderful get togethers at Christmas and picnics on Memorial Day, 4th of July and Labor Day where the whole family would be at their house to celebrate. These celebrations were so important to Mom and she made them very special for everyone. I really loved spending time with my parents and the rest of the family but sometimes I just didn’t feel like going. Maybe because it was expected that I be there and maybe I just wanted to stay at the beach longer with my friends and not come back early to be at the family gathering.

And so one year I did just that, I stayed at the beach and called to say I wouldn’t be getting back for this get together. Mom was quite upset that I wasn’t coming home but I stood my ground. I didn’t go, I had fun at the beach with my friends. That Tuesday after Labor Day I got a call at work that my father had a massive coronary and died. I have never forgiven myself for not going to the Labor Day family gathering that year. The last one we ever had.

We all make choices that don’t work out or we feel were a mistake at the time. And this is one I regret. Not only that my father died and I missed seeing him one last time, but how much I had let my mother down by not coming home. Our parents are only here for part of our lives. Some people get to have them longer than others. But the point is, they won’t be here forever so if they ask something of us, maybe we should do that thing for them. And if you are lucky enough to still have yours, spend time with them as often as you can and tell them you love them.

I also had to call my mother every night at 11pm. Every night without fail. She would call me if I didn’t and I would be in big trouble. It was just something we did. She did it with her mother and we had to do it too. I had moved out of our home so I didn’t see her anymore on a daily basis. And I would be somewhere and think OMG, it’s 11:00 I have to call Mom. I get it now…why she wanted me to call. I was 15, 3 months shy of 16 and I was a kid. She missed me and she wanted to be part of my daily life. I didn’t get that then. It was just another thing I “had” to do!

All of these things I ‘had’ to do…and I would do them all now in a heartbeat if I could. But I can’t.  I still love to shop and go with my daughters and grand kids. But I would give anything to go shopping with Mom. I do blame her quite frequently for my shopping habits. It’s all her fault that I buy the things I do. At least that is what I tell myself.

Love you and miss you Mom! Talk to you later…

“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.” ~ Honore de Balzac

14May/17
Mom

What Is A Mom?

Aging, Life, , , ,

 and are we still a Mom after losing a child?

Mom

Mom…what a wonderful word…

To hear your child call you Mom is the most wonderful sound in the world…unless they say it repeatedly until you want to scream. Seriously though there is nothing better in this world than being a Mom. I have been doing a lot of thinking about this with Mother’s Day being today and having lost one of my children. As people have told me, “it’s so great you have two other children.” Yes, I am so very happy I have my two wonderful daughters. But that doesn’t make up for losing one.

A friend commented the other day she was dreading Mother’s Day this year. She was a mother and a daughter, now after losing both her mother and her daughter she was neither of them. I thought about it and then told her she was still both, she “was” a mother and a daughter…but her child and Mom just resided in a different place now.

On this same note, someone recently asked me how many children I had. Before I realized it I said 3 and then stopped quickly and looked at her. She asked me what was wrong and I told her I had lost my son several months ago. I told her,  I’m sorry I don’t know what to say…. do I still say I have 3 children? Do I still have 3 kids? Do I have to clarify and say I had 3 and one passed away and now  have 2 that are living? I don’t know how to answer that question. And.. I really don’t want to.

Then there are these so called holidays…Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. They make it very difficult for people who have lost loved ones. I never really gave it much thought before I lost my Father and Mother and now my son. I am very grateful I still have my two daughters but what about those people who only had one child. Are they still a “Mom?”

“Being a Mother is not what you gave up to have a child, but what you’ve gained from having one.” ~ Unknown

The question is…are they still a “Mom?” Yes, my answer is a resounding yes! They are still our children wherever they are. I choose to believe my son is in heaven. But where ever they are, they are still our children and we are still their Mom.

It has been hard for me to celebrate these “holidays” after losing my parents. But I had children and grandchildren of my own to celebrate my day with. Now after losing my son it once again forces me to see the day is somehow different. My son won’t be buying me flowers or a beautiful card or putting in a new kitchen faucet for me this Mother’s Day. I don’t really care about any of those things no matter how wonderful and sweet they were. What I “will” miss today is the hug and him telling me how much he loved me. My son gave the best hugs in the world. I felt it all the way to my toes. He was always a hugger. I will miss those hugs forever. But I’m still his Mom.

I always see those poems about if we could spend an hour with someone you love and lost, what would you say…I wouldn’t say anything I would just ask him for a hug. I hope he is hugging my own Mom today and my sister and I hope he knows I’m still his Mom. We are still Mom’s, we love and we are loved…sometimes the person we love just doesn’t live here anymore.

“We never die…we become the sand on the beach…the waves on the sea…the voice that resonates from the seashells…we live forever in the hearts of those who remember us…” ~ Unknown

22Sep/16

Mom Never Told Me…

Aging, Lifestyle, ,

but I really wish she would have

maybe she just couldn't

maybe she just couldn’t

I don’t know if was all moms back in that day or just mine, but my mom couldn’t talk about things that really mattered. I don’t know if she couldn’t or if she just wouldn’t, all I know is that she never told me these things. I wish she would have.

  1. Mom never told me life was so hard. It all seemed so easy for her and very rarely did I see her struggle or have bad days. She was always “up” and seemed genuinely happy. The only time in her life when I really noticed her getting depressed or having any kind of a bad day was after the death of my father. I know she had to have bad day and some terrible times in her life. I just never saw them or heard her talk about them.
  2. Mom never told me how difficult it was for her when I left my hometown of York, PA and moved to Maryland. Even though it wasn’t that far, I knew to her it was. We lived very close to each other and were together all the time. This move would change that. But she never spoke to me about it. Only when my own daughter moved to Vermont did I know how my mother must have felt when I left.
  3. Mom never told me she read my diary. I know now she did. How else did she know everything? How did she know I was going to do something before I even did it?
  4. Mom never told me about sex, or the consequences of having sex. Oh, yes, we had “The Talk”, but all she did was ask me if I knew how men and women had sex. And then made me explain it. Out loud. When all I wanted to do was ask her, “why do you need me to explain it, don’t you know?” But I knew what would happen if I said that, so I told her how people had sex. It was once of the most embarrassing moments of my life and it didn’t really accomplish anything in my opinion. Maybe if we would have really talked about how I should wait until I was in love and also a real man/boy that cared about you would wait until you were ready. Maybe if she would have talked about this in some depth, I would have waited and not wound up pregnant at 15.
  5. Mom never really told me how she felt when she found out I was pregnant. We didn’t talk about it at all. I was told I would get married to the young man and that was that. I would have liked to talk about it. I had so many feelings that I needed to share with her and felt like I couldn’t, since the subject was pretty much ignored. So I talked to my friends who were also 15 and they couldn’t connect with me on any level about this, so basically I dealt with it myself.
  6. Mom never told me how she felt when I told her we were getting a divorce. She just said she was sorry we couldn’t work it out and stay together. No motherly advice, no telling me about similar instances between her and Dad, or how to get through the difficult times I knew she had to experience. She just was sorry.
  7. Mom never told me about how she met my father or her wedding. I always wondered how they met, if they met in school or afterward. He went in the service right after graduation so I wasn’t sure when this had happened. I wanted to ask but thought if she wanted to tell me she would have. And maybe I wouldn’t have the questions I do now about the wedding and why it was so secretive.
  8. Mom never told me her hopes and dreams, what made her happy and what she would have done had she not married at 18. I knew she loved to paint portraits and that she worked for a while in my uncles gallery. I did ask her once if she wanted to ever paint again and she said no.
  9. Mom never told me about how it felt to grow older. She didn’t tell me how it felt to lose her beauty and how it made her feel. She was a beautiful woman and men always commented on how pretty she was. I wonder how she felt growing older and seeing the aging face looking back at her in the mirror. I would have liked to talk to her about this. It would help me with my own feelings on aging.
  10. Mom never told me how it felt to lose her first born child. She had a baby before I was born and it was stillborn. I know it had to hurt her deeply. She was only 19 so I’m sure it was a very emotional thing to go through. I am also sure it was one of the hardest things in her life and stayed with her always. You carry a child for nine months inside of you. You get to know that child and love it. How does a 19 year old girl deal with that loss? Since no one talked about such things, she had to go through it alone. If she had talked to me about it later in life when I had my own children, it could have maybe helped me to deal with the death of my own child and could have maybe helped her too.

We never talked about feelings or any thing that really mattered back when I was growing up. My grandmother did. She shared many stories of losing a couple of her children and the loss of my grandfather. I tried many times later in my life to get Mom to open up and talk about something, something she cared about. Even when Dad passed, she didn’t talk about her true feelings. Not with me at least. I’m not sure she did with anyone. All of my attempts to get her to share something… something that mattered to her was met with a cold stare and a change of subject. I remember one time in particular after Dad had passed, we were at lunch in the mall and I simply asked what do you want to do with your life now. she looked at me like I had two heads and said, “this sandwich is really good.”

I wish Mom and I could have shared more and talked about things. I talk to my kids about feelings and our hopes and dreams. Sometimes we talk too much.(can you really) But we share our feelings, we get them out and that is healthy. One thing I know for sure, being a “Mom” isn’t easy..it’s hard. I get that now!

I leave you as always with a question and a quote. Did your parents talk to you? I mean really talk to you.

“A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take.” ~ Cardinal Mermillod