but I just can’t dwell there.

me back in the 50’s

I really don’t know what’s wrong with me lately, I find myself dwelling on the past so much and it is depressing me. I am even dreaming about the past. This isn’t me, I am a normally happy person and so it makes me mad to feel this way.

This month is a bad month for me due to the fact it is the anniversary of my Mom’s passing and my sister Rhonda’s birthday, who has also passed. So it brings up all kinds of memories and while it’s ok to think about them and move on, I seem to be dwelling on them.

Maybe it’s due to the fact I have too much time on my hands. After the loss of my job last year and then my recent retirement I was so excited to have time..time to do whatever I wanted. This has been wonderful on one hand, but having all this time also gives me more time to think. I think about all the good times from days gone by, people who are no longer here and times that will never be again.

I never had the luxury of having a lot of time on my hands. I was working, sometimes 3 jobs and raising 3 kids by myself. Then after the kids grew up still working and helping with grand kids. But always working towards something. This has been a real adjustment for me, this having “time” thing. And I must say I love the ability to go to lunch with friends or take off at the spur of the moment for the beach. But it has also given me down time and sometimes like this month, having that time to think isn’t good.

I give people advice all the time. Ask anyone, they will tell you I can dish it out. But I guess I am not good at taking my own advice. I know what the answer is and I know how to go about changing things. I’m just not doing it. I am not just visiting my past, I am dwelling there. I recently read an article that said you shouldn’t have items from your past all around you, that it causes you to live in the past and not move on. I am not going to get rid of the pictures and items from my past. That just isn’t going to happen. They are a part of me and what made me who I am.

Really this hasn’t been happening ever since I lost my job…it’s only been this past month or so. I think all the birthday’s and anniversaries and some other things going on in my life have brought it to a head. My writing has been a wonderful “job” for me and allows me to get things out…just like writing this post. But this week I didn’t even want to write. And then I thought, why not write about why you don’t want to write. And it is helping… even as I type these words.

I’ve lost so many things that defined who I was, it has forced me to look at who I want to be going forward. I lost my parents, my sister, my job, my friend and my pet. I can’t even keep a plant alive these days. Seriously, I don’t know what that’s all about but every plant in my house is dead or dying. So I kind of feel a little lost myself. Don’t worry, I’m ok. I think I am just trying to figure it all out. I always had a focus, something I was working towards and I don’t have that now. I didn’t realize this would happen and wasn’t prepared for it when it hit me.

When I go outside on a warm sunny day like we have been having lately or have lunch with good friends and laugh until we are crying, it makes me realize I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I need to focus on the moment and I need to focus on me. That has never been my focus before and I don’t quite know how to go about it. So I will continue to do this and I have made a list of things I want to do and people I want to see. I will be fine. I need to realize that I will have times like this and be ready for them when they come.

The past is a good place to visit now and then but we just can’t live there. We must live each day like it is our last because it could be. This moment, it is the only one we truly have. I am going to make it joyful. What will you do with it?

“We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.” ~ Marianne Williamson