but I just can’t dwell there.
me back in the 50’s
I really don’t know what’s wrong with me lately, I find myself dwelling on the past so much and it is depressing me. I am even dreaming about the past. This isn’t me, I am a normally happy person and so it makes me mad to feel this way.
This month is a bad month for me due to the fact it is the anniversary of my Mom’s passing and my sister Rhonda’s birthday, who has also passed. So it brings up all kinds of memories and while it’s ok to think about them and move on, I seem to be dwelling on them.
Maybe it’s due to the fact I have too much time on my hands. After the loss of my job last year and then my recent retirement I was so excited to have time..time to do whatever I wanted. This has been wonderful on one hand, but having all this time also gives me more time to think. I think about all the good times from days gone by, people who are no longer here and times that will never be again.
I never had the luxury of having a lot of time on my hands. I was working, sometimes 3 jobs and raising 3 kids by myself. Then after the kids grew up still working and helping with grand kids. But always working towards something. This has been a real adjustment for me, this having “time” thing. And I must say I love the ability to go to lunch with friends or take off at the spur of the moment for the beach. But it has also given me down time and sometimes like this month, having that time to think isn’t good.
I give people advice all the time. Ask anyone, they will tell you I can dish it out. But I guess I am not good at taking my own advice. I know what the answer is and I know how to go about changing things. I’m just not doing it. I am not just visiting my past, I am dwelling there. I recently read an article that said you shouldn’t have items from your past all around you, that it causes you to live in the past and not move on. I am not going to get rid of the pictures and items from my past. That just isn’t going to happen. They are a part of me and what made me who I am.
Really this hasn’t been happening ever since I lost my job…it’s only been this past month or so. I think all the birthday’s and anniversaries and some other things going on in my life have brought it to a head. My writing has been a wonderful “job” for me and allows me to get things out…just like writing this post. But this week I didn’t even want to write. And then I thought, why not write about why you don’t want to write. And it is helping… even as I type these words.
I’ve lost so many things that defined who I was, it has forced me to look at who I want to be going forward. I lost my parents, my sister, my job, my friend and my pet. I can’t even keep a plant alive these days. Seriously, I don’t know what that’s all about but every plant in my house is dead or dying. So I kind of feel a little lost myself. Don’t worry, I’m ok. I think I am just trying to figure it all out. I always had a focus, something I was working towards and I don’t have that now. I didn’t realize this would happen and wasn’t prepared for it when it hit me.
When I go outside on a warm sunny day like we have been having lately or have lunch with good friends and laugh until we are crying, it makes me realize I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I need to focus on the moment and I need to focus on me. That has never been my focus before and I don’t quite know how to go about it. So I will continue to do this and I have made a list of things I want to do and people I want to see. I will be fine. I need to realize that I will have times like this and be ready for them when they come.
The past is a good place to visit now and then but we just can’t live there. We must live each day like it is our last because it could be. This moment, it is the only one we truly have. I am going to make it joyful. What will you do with it?
“We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.” ~ Marianne Williamson
Hi,
I just left your site and found something you might want to read.”
It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.” – Alan Cohen
Love this, thanks!
and by the way, I love 1010parkplace…just commented on your blog about the Paris retreat! Awesome!
The advice about getting rid of photos and things that remind you of the past is nonsense, in my opinion. That’s like chopping off your left arm! The past is part of who we are and who we will be. It sounds like you know what to do, so perhaps you try your hardest to do those things and ride this out. If that doesn’t work, have you thought about talking to a counselor? Brenda
Thank you so much Brenda! i am fine, it’s just been a tough time this month. I do know what to do. I have so much and am a very “up” person, just needed a little down time and maybe a little feeling sorry for myself time…but I’m good..Thanks again..
What a heartfelt and wise post. Thanks for your honestly and heart. I dream of having more time. As Brene Brown says, busyness is a form of numbing, so maybe it’s a good thing you’re letting yourself feel what you feel. Keep writing!
Thank you so much Suzi! I think writing does help!
I really like that quote at the end. There’s a lot of truth to it. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you! I liked it too!
Another great post, Renee. Your advice is, as usual, spot on. Sometimes it is easier to know the answer than to put that answer into practice, as you said so well. This may just be the season for you to reflect and to continue to grieve. But, as with all seasons, this one will end and you will be refreshed and restored and able to once again put all your good advice into practice.
Thank you Cheri and thanks for always being there for me….
I so understand how you feel. It’s hard to put the past where it belongs, especially when we have too much time on our hands. It’s common among my friends who are recently retired, or downsized from work, etc. What works for me is finding a place to channel my energy so I don’t focus too much on that which I can’t go back and relive or undo. I’ve done a variety of volunteer stints and they really are a gift to me. I recommend it highly. Look online for something near you for a cause that speaks to you. I worked with hunger organizations for a long time and found it as gratifying as anything I’ve ever done. Good luck. This too shall pass.
Thank you Deborah! I am looking into some volunteer work. I have done it in the past and I really enjoy it…Thanks again..
I hope it goes well for you. Loss is hard to move through and you’ve had more than your share.
Thank you Deborah! I will get through it…I always do!
I am approaching retirement and have had friends die in the past few years. It has made me very philosophical and also dreading the senior years a bit. But on the other hand, I am grateful to be alive. I wonder more about what I am going to do in the coming years.
I am so very grateful to be alive and give thanks every morning when I wake up…I think we all have our moments and I have been having a few this month…thank you for sharing…
Thank you for writing this comment. I’ve lately been dwelling on my past and it’s made me feel upset. I’m trying to live more in the present and plan for the future. It was a good read.
Thank you and please do try to live more in the present..
Love ya sweetie..the past is just that..THE PAST…gotta focus on the here and now and our FUTURE!!! Never know how long that might be.
Thanks Susie..and I do know all of that…just sometimes gets the best of you..