thank you Foreigner, so do I…
What is Love?
Really, I am asking you…what is love? Is it the thing we see in the movies between a man and a woman? Is it the way it is in the countless books we have read? Surely it’s not the childhood fairly tales where Prince Charming finally shows up with the shoe or kisses us out of a deep sleep. And by the way, if I have to wear a glass shoe, then just no..
If it’s not that then what is it? I don’t know the answer, hence the reason for my question. So if you came here looking for answers you came to the wrong place. I thought I was in love several times in my life. But was I? From everything I have read and heard about how it is supposed to be and feel, maybe I never really was…
There are many different kinds of love..at least I think so anyway. Love of our parents and grandparents, love of our children and grandchildren, love of other family members and our friends who we love like family, even the love of our dear sweet pets. But what is the love between a man and a woman supposed to be like and is it meant to last forever? Can it?
I looked up the word “love” on Dictionary.com and here are a few of the definitions it had listed:
- a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
- a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection as for a parent, child or friend.
- sexual passion or desire.
- an object or thing so liked.
- a score as in tennis of zero or nothing.
Ok, now we are getting somewhere. Thank you so much Dictionary.com! I feel a little better now…maybe I “have” loved. I certainly have had a “profoundly tender, passionate affection” for a man a time or two….maybe more. I definitely have had and still have “a deep affection” for my parents, children and friends. I won’t bore you with all the “sexual passion or desire” encounters I have had. My “thing so liked”…. I love to write. And as for the “zero” thing, yeah, had that a time or two as well. Alright!!!
Even after reading the definitions of “love“…. and admitting to have felt each of them at least once or twice, my question still remains. What is love? Does the very fact that I ask this question mean I haven’t had true love or the everlasting love we hear can exist? The kind of love that endures many years as in a long marriage…when one person dies the other isn’t far behind… the love that lasts forever. But does it? When I got married I believed it did. I believed our love would. But it didn’t. He didn’t love me enough to be faithful and I didn’t love him enough to overlook it. I loved him for many years after our divorce. Or maybe I just loved the thought of him and what could have been. He was my first love..maybe that is why I still think of him from time to time and wonder.
I had a dream last night about another one of my “loves”, it is what made me think about all of this in the first place. I woke up wondering why I had dreamt about him when I hadn’t seen or heard from him in 25 years. And then I wondered, did I love him… Was I in love with this guy 25 years ago or was it something else? I felt like I was at the time but when something doesn’t last we are very quick to think it can’t be real. So does the fact our relationship didn’t lead to marriage or last more than a few years make it any less of one than the couples that stay together forever?
“Love is all you need” ~ John Lennon
Here is what I think real love is… It means you can’t do anything wrong, the person that loves you will love you and you will work out any and all your problems. This doesn’t mean you can abuse the love or the person. That isn’t what love is. The reason you can work out your problems is that you have an underlying basis of trust and respect. If you have that you can surmount any problems that come up. But if that trust is ever broken, it is very hard to repair it. If not impossible. And it is very hard to open yourself up fully to another after going through that in a relationship.
Good times are wonderful..but bad times do happen. Only if you have that solid underlying trust, respect and true love will your relationship survive. We can’t change people or force them to be something they aren’t. They either have these traits or they don’t. This is true in any relationship, not just the one between a man and a woman. If you have a friend or family member who you can’t trust completely or they try to change you and don’t respect the person you are.. then it is time to move away from that relationship. We must be true to ourselves. We have to first love ourself enough to step away to be able to become the person we want and need to be. The person we truly are. I have made the mistake of sacrificing who I was a few times to keep the relationship. It doesn’t work and the relationship still ends. I will never do it again.
So back to the question I asked, “what is love?” I’m going to go out on a limb here after thinking about all of this and say I think I may “have” been in “love” once or twice in my life. I think there are different levels and different kinds of love. I am not sure if what I have experienced was “real love.” One thing I don’t even have to think about and I am definitely sure of is that I have the real thing with my family and the great friends I have in my life right now… at this moment in time. While I don’t have a special man in my life, I would like to believe enough in love that maybe that could still happen one day. Ok, now I know I’m starting to sound like the fairy tale books I read as a kid..but maybe that is what I need…what we all need…something to believe in…to think maybe just maybe that guy will ride up to my door in his “white car” and whisk me away. Who knows, crazier things have happened…
Do you believe in real love? The kind that lasts forever, that kind of love…
“Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and a richness to life that nothing else can bring.” ― Oscar Wilde.
I hesitate to write too much for fear it will end up in cyberspace! I have experienced # 1-4. I suck at tennis so I’m not liking the forced ‘love’ there!
Betty’s comnents hit home for me! Once upon a time I thought I knew what love was and I struck out twice!! Number 3 has been ‘the charm’ for me!
Of course I’m older and wiser! BTW, I found it when I definitely wasn’t looking!
You did win big time with number three Joanie! Not all of us are that lucky! Thanks for commenting.and actually getting the comments on..:)
I know what love is. I believe in love. I don’t know if I still believe in it for me. In it’s purest forms, as in love for your child, I know it’s real. Family love, love for friends, and love even for your pets is real and it lasts. What doesn’t last is romance. People expect the rush and excitement of that first romantic love to remain the same. Unfortunately, it is like any fire that burns hot and bright when it is first lit. It will burn down, and if it isn’t watched and tended to, it will go out, leaving ashes of what it once was. My point is, romantic love has to be worked at and cared for just like a campfire you would like to have comfort and enjoyment sitting around. It just doesn’t happen and keep burning without some effort. Throw on a log while the embers are still there, and it can burn again in a burst of beauty and hot flames. But it can also burn you if you are reckless or careless around it. You have to realize this and not lose yourself in the flames. People change for many reasons in long relationships. That isn’t a bad thing. We mature as we age. We are supposed to grow through life in who and what we are, not just go through it. Sometimes this is how people lose the sense of closeness they once had with someone, and because of it, think their love wasn’t real. That’s when communication is key, stoking the fire of love in vulnerability and trust that it is worth the effort to keep it burning. Then again, sometimes when people change, they realize the romantic love they felt was just that, and not the kind that lasts forever. It is an experience we are to grow from in learning what that real love is and can be. There are some things that are deal breakers in love. Cheating is one of them for me, and definitely any kind of domestic violence. I am sixty seven years old. I have had several serious relationships where I loved, and was loved for a time, but those loves didn’t go the distance. I also believe I had a beautiful love once upon a time in another life time ago that would have. That love was taken from me. Now, I think I have come to a point in my life if love finds me, it will be a miracle. I don’t know if I have the patience or energy to give what real love needs to grow and survive. God only knows, but I sure don’t.
Very true Betty. Love your comments!
I feel love is caring that someone other than myself is happy and secure. I so have true love for my husband that cares for my health needs without any hesitation. My love for family is extremely strong craving their love as much as loving them. I love our pet and the free love she gives to us. I love the beauty of nature and our critters we see here on earth.
That is awesome Sharon…I agree!
I think there can be as many definitions of love as there are relationships. At its heart, though, are trust, affection, acceptance, empathy, and a sense of truly knowing–and being known by–another person; a real sense of connection. While passion may wane, I believe all these qualities endure.
You are right Roxanne! I think so too!
I tend to think the first thing that comes to mind when answering such a sprawling question is telling. There is no one definition of course, but the first thing I considered is that I care as much about my husband’s happiness, wellness, mood, and state of mind as I do my own and in fact, am affected by a downtick in those things as he is when I get sad. In a way, this connection to each other’s well being and the wish not to be with anyone else is about all I can come up with, but I think it’s a lot.
It is a lot Susan…and I think you must have found true love…
It is the subject of forever questioning!!! Poetry, books, songs, what would we have if we didn’t question love?
So very true Haralee…but it doesn’t answer my question…:(
There are so many different types of “love” I have old boyfriends that I remember fondly – I was madly in love with at least one of them back in my late teens, but the love I have for my husband is a different type of love – it’s deep and stable and weathers the storms. Not as wild and passionate as it once was, but that’s okay after 30+ years. I wrote a post a little while ago about midlife love because sometimes I think we put a lot of pressure on the one we love to be more than is really fair. http://www.crestingthehill.com.au/2017/02/midlife-monday-midlife-marriage-fairy.html
You are right Leanne, there are many different types of love. And the wild passionate love isn’t bad but doesn’t last. I will read your post. Thanks!
Well 🙂 quite frankly I don’t know that I do believe. But but but here right now love is when we turn to each other in times of stress and not on
I’m not sure either Carla…and sorry I just saw this, it was in my spam box for some reason…
Hmm, great question and I’ve asked myself that many many times. While I “thought I was in love”, I now look back and say REALLY? I kinda don’t think I ever was truly in love. Otherwise, I guess I would have made it last, and none of them did. I LOVE everyone in my own way, but true love, nah, I don’t think I’ve ever truly had it. I know SOME people that I honestly believe were lucky enough to find it and keep it, but I also see so many who are together for LONG periods of time, but i wonder, are they in love? Hmmm, not really sure. Being truly single now for almost 15 years, I don’t think I will ever find it, and I’m not really looking anymore. I have so many good friends that I enjoy doing things with and I have a FAMILY, that YEP, I do LOVE THEM unconditionally, so I’m lucky in love there. I remember my one True Love (I thought anyhow) saying to me many many years ago, “you’re living in a fairy tale world” and I guess he was right. I always wanted that fairy tale, just never found it. But I LOVE YOU kiddo. and love this blog.
Thank you so much Susie. I feel the same way, not sure I was or if I ever will be again. I love you too!