Monthly Archives: July 2016

28Jul/16

10 Things To Do For Someone When They Lose A Loved One

And I am speaking from recent experience here…

angel watching over us

angel watching over us

In the first couple of days after you lose someone you love, you can’t think or make even the smallest decisions. It helps to have people around you that can do these simple tasks for you. Friends and family call and ask what they can do to help but we don’t know what to say, we don’t know what will help. Our minds are numb, filled with so many things and thoughts that sometimes we can’t even do the simplest task. We don’t know where the checkbook is or where we put the pen to write the check or thank you cards. I have lost many people and I know many people who have lost someone close. I will never again think a card is enough.

Here are some things that someone did for us and it made all the difference.

  1. Just do something. Anything. Don’t ask what needs to be done. Look around, think about what your friend or family member may need done and do it.
  2. Prepare food or buy a meal or just bring a bunch of food by. People have freezers. Don’t worry they may have too many people dropping food by. Don’t just do it for the first couple days, keep doing it. Call them up and invite them to go out for lunch, coffee, brunch. They may not go but they will be grateful you asked. Ask again in a few weeks.
  3. Make calls for them. Think about people they may have wanted to let know and they may not have, you can do it for them so they don’t have to. It is hard for them to make these calls, you can help so much by doing it.
  4. Do small things for them so they don’t have to worry about it. Mow the grass, weed the garden, take the dog for a walk, do their wash, shop for groceries. All of these things are such small things but will mean a lot to the person, believe me.
  5. Be there in the weeks and months following the service. Everyone calls at first and stops by and then..nothing. Grief doesn’t just stop overnight. You shouldn’t stop either.
  6. If you have some area of expertise offer your assistance. If you are an electrician and they need wiring done, do it for them. If you are a lawyer and they need some advice, give it to them…for free. Whatever your specialty is, I’m sure you can help in some way to make their life less stressful at this time.
  7. When you talk to the person, tell them a story about their loved one that is special to you. Something they did or said that you remember that has really stuck in your mind or how their loved one has affected your life. I have heard so many wonderful stories the past week that have truly made this time much easier. If you send a card, write something in the card, make it personal.
  8. Don’t ask us to make a decision. About anything, even something as simple as what to make for dinner. We can’t.
  9. Listen. Just listen. Sometimes that is better than any advice or words of condolence. We just need to talk.
  10. Call, stop by, email, text..often. Just let them know you are there for them.

I would add one thing that really helped me and that is to make us laugh. Something so simple yet so healing. I didn’t think I could laugh at this terrible time in my life, but my friends and family made me laugh. And give lots of hugs..hugs really are the best medicine for a broken heart. People have hugged me so hard I thought they would break my ribs. But it didn’t hurt, it helped.

At some point I will write about this loss. I can’t do it yet, it is too fresh, and the wound is still open.

“Grief is like the ocean, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” ~ Vicki Harrison

 

15Jul/16

I Just Give Up!

Some things that help me when I feel like giving up

I give up, no really, I'm done

I give up, no really… I’m done!

We all have times in our lives when we feel like giving up. And for some reason it seems like the older we get the more life piles on our plate. Sometimes it just gets to be too much to bear and we feel like giving up. Recently I have had a bunch of things happen in my life and it really does seem like it is all too much. And I started doing the “why me” and “what did I do to deserve this” thing. How do I go on from here? How do I move forward? I remember my mom saying many times that she just wanted to run away. I never understood why she said that..I do now.

So this morning when I woke up I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and look at what was really going on. I resolved to have a different way of looking at my life and all that was happening around me. I have chosen to not let my circumstances define me any longer or how I was going to react to the situations affecting my life. Because really that is all we can do sometimes. We can’t change what is happening but we can change the way “we” react to it.

When life keeps handing us lemons, do we make lemonade out of them or just let them sit there and rot? I decided to make some lemonade. I know, it is so cliche but it really works. Here are some of the things I came up with to keep moving forward and not give up.

“Never, never, never give up” ~ Winston Churchill

  1. Help someone else who is going through hard time. Volunteer or join a group working for the good of your town. It truly makes you feel better to take the focus off yourself and put it on someone else.
  2. Turn off social media. It doesn’t do us any good when we are feeling sorry for ourselves to see all the ranting and raving going on in the world. Some one is going to say something that makes you feel even worse. So take the day off. Unplug!
  3. Smile – I have heard this so many times, but it really does work. force it if you need to but do it!
  4.  Laugh…watch a funny old movie or call someone that always makes you laugh. Laughter is always the best medicine.
  5. Do something just for the fun of it. You remember that right? We used to have fun. Think of what you once enjoyed doing and do it again.
  6. Exercise. I know you don’t think this would make you feel better but it really does. It boosts your mood by releasing endorphins. And it makes you feel good just because you did it. Admit it, you feel good about yourself when you exercise.
  7. Spend time with happy people. People that lift you up and bring you JOY! If you can’t spend time with them at least talk to them on the phone, through email or a text.
  8. Get outside and enjoy nature. Go for a walk. Look around at the trees and the the plants growing. Really look at them. Hike to the top of a mountain and scream as loud as you can(make sure no one else is around first).
  9. Spend time with little children. If you have small kids of your own or grandchildren they are the best thing to perk you up. They always look at life a little differently and make us see the good in the world.
  10. And finally, believe there is good in the world and search it out. If you can’t find any that day, then be the good yourself!

These are just some ways I try to beat the blahs and come out on the other side. Shopping is another thing I love to do and it always makes me happy, especially if I find a bargain. And living in the present moment helps, it is really all we have. When we live in the future we are fearful and don’t know what it will bring. When we live in the past, it is sometimes too painful or we wish for happier times with someone who isn’t with us anymore. We have to learn not to beat ourselves up when we feel down and are at the point of giving up. No one ever feels happy all the time. There are some people that always seem to have this smile plastered on their face and I wonder what is really going on there.

We all have times when we just want to sit in our pajamas all day, eat ice cream, watch sad movies and cry.(I may or may not have done this a time or two). But we just can’t let it become a habit. Don’t hide away from everyone and everything that could make you happy again. Let people help, you never know who will be the one that steps up and makes your day. But people can’t help unless you let them know you need them. People are always amazing me… in good ways and bad. But more often than not, it is good.

I have to tell you, I didn’t even feel like writing today. Last night I was supposed to write my weekly post and I just didn’t have it in me. I asked myself, what can I write about? I felt like I had nothing left in me that I wanted to share. So I just went to bed. Then I woke up today determined to not let all I am going through define me and my life. I decided to write about how I was feeling because that is what I do. I share my feelings in my writing and I feel so much JOY when I hit the publish button. So that is what I did. Thank you for always being here to listen and for telling me how much my writing affects you. Find the good!

As always I leave you with a question and a quote.

Do you ever feel like giving up? What do you do to keep going?

“I am going to keep having fun every day I have left, because there is no other way of life. You just have to decide whether you are a Tigger or an Eeyore.” ~ Randy Pausch  (I love this quote!)

 

07Jul/16

What Are You Afraid Of?

My Top Ten Biggest Fears…

fear...

fear…

If we are honest with ourselves, we all have a fear of something. When I was a child I didn’t have many because I knew my parents were there to protect me. As I grew older my fears changed along with my age. As a teenager my biggest fear was how I would get to the local dance joint and then how I would get home afterward. Oh, to be young and that is the only thing you have to fear. Life seemed so simple then and most of our fears at the time were simple as well.

As we age the fears are bigger and many of them can’t just be brushed aside. They are too real. We are getting older. We have lost people we cared about. We all are facing our fears every day and the best we can do is to try and enjoy our lives every single day and not have any regrets when we take our last breath. Ok, I don’t want to get too mauldlin, so lets get to it, below are my top ten fears…

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.” ~ Marianne Williamson

  1. Not having done everything on my bucket list. I have so many things I want to do yet in my life and I hope I have the time to do them all. I really need to start ticking more of them off the list. I have a lot left to do.
  2. I fear my hearing will get so bad I won’t be able to hear the sound of my kids and grandkids laughter. I know I would survive not being able to hear. I have problems already that cause me to miss many things people say. My hope is that I don’t lose my hearing totally and can’t hear the sound of laughter. There is nothing like that sound, especially when someone you love is the one laughing.
  3. Living too long and being a burden on my kids. I have seen this happen time and time again and don’t want it to happen to me. I want to be able to make my own decisions on my life and not have to rely on my kids to make them.
  4. I worry I will get dementia like my mother. I try to keep my brain active and constantly do new things. I am hoping that this will help. I saw what she went through and I don’t want my kids to see me go through that. I always wondered if she was really still in there and was trying very hard to tell us she was. It makes me sad to think that was the case. I always tried to let her know I understood how she felt.
  5. My fear I will die alone. I am not afraid of dying. I just hope I am not alone. As we age we lose so many friends and family members. It seems like at least once a week or more someone I know dies. I have already lost my immediate family.. my parents and my sister. So my wish is that I will continue to have the people I love around me as long as I’m here.
  6. Another huge fear of mine is that I will run out of money. What happens if I live till I’m 90, Will I have enough money? Will Social Security run out? Will I have to get a job when I am 80? It’s a very real concern.
  7. I fear I will never fall in love again. I really like being single. In fact I love it. I truly enjoy my independence and being able to do what I want, when I want. But I loved falling in love. The excitement of a new love is one of the all time great experiences in life. I fear I will never feel that way again.
  8. Losing my ability to drive. If I want to go somewhere I don’t want to have to rely on someone else to take me. I want to drive myself(my daughter would beg to differ, because she drives us a LOT, but I know I can if I want to) I think this is one of the biggest fears of most aging adults. And one of the hardest things for us to give up.
  9. Not being able to live in my own home. This home doesn’t have to be my present home, but I want it to be MY home. It could be an assisted living place of residence. I really would like it to be my own home. I know my mother didn’t want to leave her home but she had dementia and we were constantly worried about her safety. She told us constantly she wanted to be in her own home. And now I understand that.
  10. And finally I fear that the monster that resides under my bed will really truly eat my leg off once and for all if I forget and allow my leg to hang over the side of the bed. (I had to lighten things up a bit)

I don’t dwell on these fears but sometimes as I start to fall asleep they do creep into my mind. I know I am extremely blessed with good health, a loving family and many wonderful friends. I know people my age that have many of these fears and others. Some people fear losing their looks or their once slim body. I gave up on worrying about that quite a while ago. I exercise and try to take care of myself. But I can’t be worried about what I used to look like and why I don’t anymore.

Life goes by so fast. We shouldn’t spend our days being fearful. Yes, we do need to acknowledge our fears, we can’t just ignore them. But then we must try to move past the fear and find joy in every single day. Our fears are going to be there, but maybe  we can learn how to keep them from sabotaging our happiness.

What are your biggest fears?

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

 

01Jul/16

I’m Not My Mother’s Grandmother…

I’m not even “my” grandmother…

My Grandparents 50th anniversary

My grandparents 50th anniversary

My Grandma is in the middle of the picture above and she is basically the same age as I am right now. Seriously…I know times have changed but I can’t believe looking at this picture that she is the same age as me.

Are we, the Baby Boomers really looking and acting younger than our grandparents or is it just our imagination? Why did they seem so old back then? And why do we seem so much younger now? When I was growing up I can’t remember my grandparents, any of them, ever running and playing ball with us or hiking up a mountain in the summer heat. They did things with us but it was things like baking and reading and watching tv. I do remember Grandpa G telling some awesome stories about his days on the railroad. And I remember my Grandpa F taking me on some very long walks down to the park in their neighborhood.

As for they way they dressed or acted I can’t imagine what they would say if they could see us now. They acted “old”. When we visited with them and they were talking to my parents or other adults I couldn’t relate to anything they were talking about. Most of the time if we were even in the room during these conversations we were told to leave, that they were having an adult conversation, and for us to go play with the other kids. My grandchildren and I do lots of fun things when we are together and we have some great conversations on all kinds of topics, even politics. During one of these conversations they told me, “you sure don’t act or look like a grandma.” I’m hoping that is a compliment. You never know with them, but I’m going to take it as one.

 me...

me…same age as Grandma above

What’s changed? What’s different these days? Why did they seem so old and we look so much younger?  I think we take better care of ourselves now. We exercise. I never saw my grandparents exercise…ever. My oldest grandson and I have plank tournaments…who can hold one the longest. I beat him. The last time I asked if he wanted to have one he said no. When I asked him why he said because you will just beat me again. I am up to a two and a half minute plank. Could you see your grandparents doing a plank? I sure can’t.

Fashion has certainly changed along with the years. These days there are no rules about what you can or can’t wear as a “grandparent”. Thank goodness! My Grandma always wore a dress…always. And usually she had an apron on over it. She was almost always in the kitchen whipping up something wonderful for us kids to eat. My Dad’s mom did if I recall wear a pants suit now and then. I know I was shocked to see this and I’m sure it shocked her friends and neighbors. I remember when she moved to Florida I actually saw her in shorts. Unheard of in those days…she was such a trendsetter.

“Love is the greatest gift one generation can leave another.” ~ Richard Garnett

I often wonder when I look at their photos if I styled my hair the way they did, let it go grey( it may or may not be grey since I haven’t seen my real hair color in years) and wore the same dress if maybe I would look that way too. However it wouldn’t change who I am. I would still be the Grammie hiking up the trails and running around playing ball and jumping on the trampoline with my grands. I can’t even imagine seeing either of my grandmas jumping on a trampoline…just the thought of Grandma in her dress and oh, yes, her nylons — rolled at the knee–and the big thick shoes, which she never took off(I actually thought she wore them to bed) jumping on the trampoline cracks me up.

We are a different generation of grandparent. We are on Facebook and Instagram. We Tweet and Stumble and Tumble. We have lots of interests and hobbies. I have a blog. My grandson told me he was proud of me for starting this blog. It truly warmed my heart to have him say that to me. And that is one thing that doesn’t change from one generation to the next. We want our grandchildren to be proud of us. We want them to remember us when we aren’t here anymore. It doesn’t matter what we look like or how we dress, what matters is what they have learned from us, the times we shared and how they felt when we were together.

What do you remember about your grandparents? What do you hope your grandchildren will remember about you?

“Grandparents are a delightful blend of laughter, caring deeds, wonderful stories and love.” ~ Unknown